AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

I don’t think we've yet learned anything about the DH’s opinions either. He may be the one who’ll move out!

Stop enabling all this dependence. The pregnant Daughter and partner need to plan somewhere to live . Not at yours , or his Parents etc , they are adults. Your other Daughter cannot dictate who lives where . You say they are not in a position to move out? And you are trying to help . What you are doing is enabling this situation to become your responsibility. You will make every excuse for them , such as they can’t afford rent or to buy a house etc . They will afford somewhere if you let them. As for your elderly Mother , she does not need to be involved and recruited into the circus .

I expect they want mum to do all the childcare.

Surely if they are having a baby they are old enough to have their own place. You're enabling it.

Your house, your decision. Not easy to find and afford decent accommodation. I would explain that to your 22 year old daughter and tell her it's not negotiable. If she chooses to move in with another relative that's her decision and you will have more room too. Lots of young people still living with family these days due to housing shortage and affordability.

No way. She's old enough to get pregnant so time to stand on her own two feet. You will become a substitute mother to the baby and it's unfair on your other daughter who dislikes the guy.

Marriage has been the bedrock of a strong family because it creates a shared identity and a protective boundary around the home. Raising a child within a marriage provides a clear, morally grounded foundation of permanence and mutual obligation.

You need to get out more.

@DannyOD what about DD1 staying with the baby without the boyfriend? In the early stages for some support.

I don't think you've mentioned why they can't get their own place? Apologies if I've missed it.

Nevermind Dd2s (valid) feelings, you are setting your DD1 and her partner up to fail by not showing them some tough love and saying they need to grow up, sort out their income, and be independent if they really want to be a family. Tell them you’re thrilled for them and lay out where you are willing to help (giving x amount for them to purchase second hand necessities) and work with them on their budgets, further income streams, and fixing a date when they both live elsewhere ready to welcome their child and be proper adults and a family

If they were teenagers yes, but they are mid-late twenties, I’m not sure why they wouldn’t be able to set up home together, now baby is on the way? Do you work op? as I’m sure you’ll be roped in, above and beyond, on granny duties, if they’re living with you. Plus the cost will be a lot, will they be contributing? do they both work FT??

i can see it won’t be fair on dd2 if she doesn’t get on with the boyfriend of dd1. Her home is her safe space and she’s feeling anxious that this will change

This quote tells us all we need to know. The family think the bf is lazy already with no
baby on the scene; and no, there’s no chance of him ever ‘stepping up’! OP will end up looking after the baby more than the dad if they all end up living there together. Enabling him, as again, he’ll have an easy life still

If he moves in, I 100% guarantee that a “lazy” man will not step up now that he has a child. Yes, we all want to help our children, but as parents, we need to be wary of not infantilising them and enabling them to remain children forever. Having the BF move in will not help them to become independent in the future—there will be no incentive to move out.

Have you had the awkward conversation about why they thought that they were ready to have a family, when they’re not capable of putting a roof over their own 2 heads, let alone 3?

If my DD really could not put a roof over her head and was pregnant, I would continue to house her, but not the BF. They need a fire under their bellies to stand on their own two feet if they want to play happy families. It’s not down to you to facilitate this.

You say that there is more room at his parents' house?
So, that being the case and with all the reasons against (DD2's objections; your evaluation of DD1's DP), it makes very good sense for them to move into HIS parents' house. Away from your family (DD1's FOO). Then let things play out for a while. Can they manage to build a family-unit together? Does the relationship last for more than, say, 2yrs? Can they manage to get social-housing given their housing needs? Or, does it all fall apart? That's when you offer to house (only) DD1 and DGC.

Have the prospective parents got jobs. If so they can move out and rent. It's a poor show being so irrespnsible at the age of 26.

It’s pretty mad that DD2 has assumed this is what will happen and that they can impose on her parents and sister in this way.

If you want to help them, pay 6 months rent somewhere for them to help get them set up. When their relationship fails ( which it will) she can come to you with baby if necessary.

you’re really not helping her very much by being a Iive in babysitter and bank. As much as you clearly want that for yourself.

In a nutshell you need to know which daughter your going to choose
there is no compromise
as much as you love DD who’s pregnant I’d leave the to it there housing isn’t your problem yo solve they should of thought about that before she was pregnant

DD2 reminds me of my bf, using his autism to justify why he didn’t like my parents…
make DD2 get a job, sounds like she needs a reality check

This is a recipe for disaster. My daughter and her partner lived with me in COVID when their first baby was born. It was incredibly difficult and we came close to falling out permanently! Things were much better once they were in their own place and I could visit. Don't do it. They need their own space.

If you decide they are going to move in i think you need to set a few things straight with them.
Do they both work if yes will they be contributing towards rent/bill/ food as the cost of living is ridiculous at the moment.
You mentioned the boyfriend is quite lazy will he have to help with house chors ie washing up/ laundry making dinner for the family sometimes.
Or they they don't need to help with cost towards rent and and stuff will they be saving for their own place instead of just spending what they earn.
Having a baby is so expensive nowadays it's nice you ar willing to help but I think they need to realise how generous you are being and return the favour by helping you.

Daughter 1 and son in law/ bf need to find their own place. I would make that clear.
You are giving out the wrong messages imho if you are suggesting otherwise
And Ditto younger daughter. She's still quite young but you need to get her to understand she needs a plan towards living independently..
Room in shared house as a starter?

They should have thought about all this before your daughter got pregnant. The entitlement and immaturity of some young people these days is unbelievable. It would be a big “no” from me. You will probably end up doing the majority of the childcare.

I would not let the boyfriend move in. She is 26 and if she wants to live as a family she should be prepared to secure housing and provide for her family.

I would not kick her and the baby out. I would let her live there on the condition she agrees to sit down and discuss her plan for eventually becoming self sufficient. Relying on a boyfriend who also doesn’t have his own housing is not a plan. She needs to figure out her career post maternity leave and how she is going to balance work and parenting.

She is an adult, but she is not living independently like an adult. She is trying to move to life stages that she isn’t prepared for and expecting other people to take care of her. That means you need a bigger parenting role than with an average 26 year old.