AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

They should be finding their own place is there any reason why they can’t? But saying that your other adult dd can’t dictate who lives in your house either and she should also be looking to move out at some point.

Exactly this. Its beneath them and their parents are horrified at the thought as well

Its the ideal solution, it often needs no or a low deposit, bills are usually incuded, theres no CTAX to pay and no long sign up and no guarantor needed usually.

I’m honestly quite shocked that 26, your daughter is even asking this.

At 26, I had been living in another country for 5 years. Why are any of them still living at home unless saving for a deposit, finishing up uni, etc?

They really should be a bit more independent by this age. If they’re making the lifelong commitment of having a child, then they need to be organising all the things that come with that, such as finding a place to live.

Hmm. On this basis, I would not be inviting this man to live in your house. Once he is there, it will be much harder to get him to move out if things aren't working out.

I would let your dd know that she and the baby can stay as long as they want/need, but if she wants to live with her BF as well, then they will need to make other arrangements.

Huh? Our local authority in England calls it the Welfare Support Fund and you can apply for discretionary housing payments, for instance for a deposit for private rental if you'd otherwise have nowhere to live. Obviously not the same as a TV, not sure why you said that? Maybe don't talk about things you don't know about?

Because it’s 2026

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but the best way you can help both of your daughters is to teach them to be independent adults.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help your children, and if this was some kind of emergency situation where they had lost their job and were going to be homeless or were escaping domestic abuse, then absolutely no one would argue against them moving in for a bit, but at this age, having never lived independently (at least I can’t see that mentioned anywhere), all you’re creating is failure to launch and they’re going to expect mum and dad to bail them out forever.

Agreeing to this, and also letting your other daughter dictate who lives in your house won’t do any of them any favours in the long run.

This. Also, “with child”? I wonder what century that poster is from 😂.

I would take pregnant daughter in with baby and let the younger one stay with her grandma. I feel like if you want to and can support her with newborn then that’s such a once in a lifetime experience to be part of your grandchild’s life. Your younger daughter is definitely old enough to move out now so shouldn’t be dictating the support you are able to offer to DD1 in a major time of need.

I agree that it isn't for dd1 to dictate. But the OP herself doesn't like the boyfriend so that changes things for me a bit.

The only person I feel sorry for is this situation is your other daughter. A baby is disruptive (I had two - one is still a baby)! Two parents choosing to have a family in their own home is completely different to them living in their mothers home with another sibling and expecting everyone to suffer with sleepless nights, taking on childcare, the mess that babies make - the sick, shit, toys, food everywhere. Then you have all the equipment and space they take up too. God forbid the baby has colic as well, because that’s a whole other nightmare on its own.

Your eldest is a big girl now, she’s a mother and both of them need to step up and provide a home for their child. It would be different if they were living with you temporarily while they were waiting for a house to complete or a tenancy to start but to just have them there with no sign of them going is wrong in my opinion.

It sounds like you value the baby and the lay about boyfriend more than your youngest daughter and that’s a real shame.

Do not move this lazy fecker in, you'll never get rid of him.

I think most posters have missed that pregnant DD already lives with the OP. I don't know why she would get pregnant in these circumstances.

DD1 can either stay with you, with the baby - or she can move to his parents so she can live with him.

Oh dear not a great situation. You don’t say what DD1 does for work or her BF Are they working? Did you advise her not to get back with a liar and a cheater? It seems she has a lot of growing up to do and should probably listen to her younger sister who can see straight through him. I wouldn’t let him move into your home. Your priority is BOTH daughters. If DD1 then moves out that’s her choice and probably for the best. She will be home soon enough when it all falls apart.

Both daughters should be moving out and why should DD2 be dictating it's not even her house

I agree, a 18 year old finding out they were pregnant is completely different to this situation. She basically has a lazy 26 year old living at home with mummy and daddy, that’s got knocked up and now wants to stay forever and bring the equally lazy boyfriend with her. I wonder who will be dealing with this baby 90% of the time? The OP and her younger sister no doubt which is probably why she’s so against it!

You can help her by allowing her and baby to stay. Her boyfriend can stay at his parents’ and save up for a rent deposit.

Yes, I agree. I would be expecting them to take advantage of the opportunity to save for a house or at least a buffer for when they do leave not take advantage to have a baby, on hand childcare and extra fun money. I would givevthem a time limit and stick to it. This would also be reassuring to dd2.
I would also have a word on the quiet to dd1 regarding her sister and that her space needs to be respected.

Is your daughter moving in with your mum a realistic option?

How does that change anything?

This is a wild idea. I get that you want to help DD1 but you would be doing so at the expense of DD2, and that relationship could fracture beyond repair.

If DD1 and her bf can't afford a place together then absolutely have DD1 move back but not her bf, no way - and especially no way with DD2's feelings about him.

Try not to be deliberately obtuse.

This.

Do they work?

I get why you’re stuck in the middle here but I do think it’s unfair on your younger daughter to be pushed out of her home (adult or not) because of a lifestyle choice her older sister has made. That said, I would allow your older daughter to live at home with her baby but without her twat boyfriend. Because my “we will always have a place for you in this home” policy applies to all of my children.

News to me too, and I worked in homeless prevention and resettlement for several years, in 3 different council areas.

What they do in my county is recommend people to a local charity that gives loans for rent in advance and deposit.

Try and explain things. They are starting a family and having children. So..... get married.