AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

They really need their own space to build their own family unit. If they stay with you, the dynamic will be really tricky.

The way to help them is to help them find accommodation of their own. Not to facilitate their poor planning.

I agree with this.

DD2 is vulnerable because of her autism. Change is very hard for many NT people. It will be hard enough for her to cope with living with a baby in the house, bringing the BF into the home as well could well be more than she can bear.

My gut reaction, too.

Another 'band aid' baby brought into the world in hopes it will magically sort out the relationship issues and/or the guy as a human being.

That said, no, do not let the boyfriend move in. That's grossly unfair to your DD2 who is AudADHD and already has issues with him being in her space occasionally. You would literally be choosing DD1 over DD2 if you do this as she will be forced to move out into another inappropriate home environment (elderly grandparent) as that's all she can afford now. And she hasn't done anything 'wrong' to deserve this, while your DD1 has been very irresponsible getting pregnant with a boyfriend she doesn't live with, hasn't treated her well historically, and will need your financial and housing support to raise the baby. But go on ... think about having DD2 pay the price for all that and watch her go.

Or let the government fix it all that seems the answer to not using contraception

why don't you try to explain. why do they need to get married? or do you not realise that in this century it's perfectly acceptable to have a baby without a marriage.

Where’s the incentive to step up if they live with you so you can pick up slack with baby, housekeeping, money etc?

It’s not acceptable to trample on DD2’s consent to having a non related male move in.

DD1 can move back in with the baby whilst they sort the longer term solution out.

I don’t think the OP should put her own ‘once in a lifetime experience’ ahead of her own actual daughter who has just finished university and is autistic. Or put a lazy man who she doesn’t even like in front of of her own daughter. The youngest daughter hasn’t got pregnant or into a situation where she can’t support herself at twenty six.

Part of being a parent is assisting your kids to launch into independence. There’s a fine line between loving and supporting them and holding them back/enabling. It’s scary to take that step to fly the nest but if you let them stay too long, it’s hindering them and you are also enabling the bf to never have to grow up/adult…and he’s not even your kid! You have had a ton of good advice. I would suggest you have a conference with the bf’s parents and discuss how you can all work together to get them into their own place and encourage independence. If your DD1 has had past health issues, it’s probably even more tempting to coddle her and make allowances/keep her close but you still need to recognise that it’s time to help her “launch”. You can still be very supportive with the baby with a little more distance.

Marriage is a vow and a profound moral commitment to build a stable, intentional family unit.

Marriage has been the bedrock of a strong family because it creates a shared identity and a protective boundary around the home. Raising a child within a marriage provides a clear, morally grounded foundation of permanence and mutual obligation.

'Common law marriage' is a total myth. If an unmarried father dies without a will, the mother inherits absolutely nothing automatically and could face a 40% inheritance tax bill just to stay in her own home. If they split, she has zero right to his pension or asset division, leaving her and the baby completely exposed.

YANBU to hesitate at all.

I would (obviously) agree to my DD staying home but not for her BF to move in, absolutely not. He needs to knuckle down & work sufficiently to afford a place for his GF and baby.

Yes, I think there is definitely a sense that OP is dazzled by some dream about being the munificent grandmother, capably taking over the infant’s care and managing things magnificently. She seems set on ignoring what this will do to her family.