AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

Oh I missed that bit yes.

But yes, fair enough that the 22-year old is still at home. But in that case it’s not fair on her to move the boyfriend in + a baby.

I'm guessing because you call it a "card" you're somewhat ignorant of both conditions, so allow me to explain: having your home life massively disrupted by an adult you don't like plus a newborn baby (with the chaos and noise that they often bring) would have a massively detrimental effect on DD2.

If you don't believe either condition is worth consideration - again, I'm surmising given your phrasing - then imagine what it would be like if your neighbour cheerfully told you that they'd be drilling holes into your shared wall for 12 hours per day, every day, sometimes using them to look through every now and again, and sorry but that's just something you have to live with now. Just to give you an idea.

Not with a baby.

Some HMOs (as in self-contained rooms with a shared kitchen; though most houseshares are technically HMOs now) might allow families to take a room but access to laundry facilities, fridge space for milk etc would be really limited.

well firstly I was talking generally and she doesnt have the baby yet. Secondly people do have limited access to laundry and freezer facilities but it doesnt mean you dont manage. What do you think families living in temporary accommodation access? Shared housing like this

Absolutely not ! It’s up to your DD1 and her BF to house themselves as they have decided to be a family. It’s got disaster written all over it ( and that’s without your DD2 reaction to it) you say yourself you aren’t keen on the bf and before you realise it you will be nanny / nurse maid and general housekeeper / dogsbody for everyone. Be delighted for your DD becoming a mum but say it won’t work for them all to be in your home. Sadly people who haven’t already stepped up as you say about the bf won’t change with a baby and in fact even more likely to step further back after the initial novelty wears off.

if they cant afford their own place then let them move in with his parents. You also need to consider dd2 and her feelings - how will you feel if she leaves because the bf and baby move in and what that will do to your relationship going forward ?

Absolutely not.
This is your DD2's home.
It would be so wrong of you to force her out of her home, for a pregnant daughter who is with a lazy loser.
Don't do it.

They are both adults, and DD1 seems to have been living with her mum for many more years as an adult so I don’t see anything to suggest DD2 acts as though the world revolves round her. Having a newborn and man you dislike introduced into an existing living arrangement is a big ask and I can see why she doesn’t want it!

They've never even lived together but have decided to have a baby.....without even being able to look after themselves?
Erm. No. Would be my answer. If I ever have grandchildren I would love to be hands on. But not under my own roof. The aim of parenting is to raise individuals who have the skills to go out into the big wide world and survive.
If they cant even afford to rent a cheap place together, they certainly won't be able to once they have a child!!
Nope nope and nope. Off they pop.

They can move in with his parents!

You arent helping any of them. This man needs a kick up the arse to provide a home for hid family and grow up. Is he even working? Im sure he'd love to cocklodge at your house and sit on his backside and be looked after.
Id say absolutely not, daughter and baby only and get her on the council waiting list.
I was a mum at 21 and had a full time job, went on to become an RN a few years later. I rented a flat and bought my own small home a few years later.
I had no family living in the country at that time. It made me independant and made me grow up fast.

Its a hard one as I would want to help my daughter. But they're not young at 26, they've been together for ages so why cant they get their own place? If they cant afford it are they going to struggle to afford a baby?
Could you maybe set a 12 month timescale to live with you so they can save up and tell your younger daughter its short term. Also you need to tell the boyfriend to be quieter not just for your daughter but for when the baby arrives

I’m 26, the same age as your DD1, and wouldn’t dream of moving my boyfriend into my parents home and expecting to have my baby there. I have two DC, my first at 21 and second end of last year and I moved out with my now fiance at 20 and bought our home at 21(he was 24, none of us had crazy money), otherwise I never would have had a child at that point. Now don’t get me wrong I know that’s not the norm and accidents happen, but she’s not 16, to me at 26 years old if you’re going to put yourself in a position where pregnancy is possible you need to be able to step up and provide a space to raise your child without relying on living with your parents and disrupting others lives (not necessarily you as I know you stated you’d love it, but definitely disruption to your DD2). I’d put a pin in it, before you agree to anything they have 8/9months to try and do something for themselves and their soon to be child, if they genuinely exhaust all options and still haven’t managed then let them temporarily move in with the expectation that it isn’t long term, otherwise your DD2 is the one having to uplift herself or be uncomfortable when she hasn’t done anything.

Is there a reason they can’t live independently? I would support my child if they were alone but your DD has a partner.

Very unfair to D2 - she really dislikes D1 boyfriend and add to that a newborn with all the disruption that brings …..and D2 has her own challenges too.
Could easily be a disaster!

No I wouldn’t be moving in a lazy loud man who one of my daughters dislikes. Your other daughter needs to move out with her BF and baby. They should have ideally planned this a bit better and waited until they’d moved out before TTC.

Obviously it’s happened now so I’d be helping them to find a place. He can stay where he is and then visit. Once he’s in there’ll be no going back.

can they actually afford to support a child? Are they both working?

Your eldest dd needs to move out. I would be helping her find somewhere nice to rent. I would absolutely not have her bf move in, that’s not fair on any of you and is simply a disaster waiting to happen.

Cocklodging!

What a ridiculous set up.
Of course they shouldn’t be living with you. They all sound about 12.

I hope they all work.

You need to choose. Although it sounds as if you've already chosen.

I personally wouldn't move a man who one of the household actively dislikes. A new family unit, although quite the novelty at first will grate on you at some point. Don't be blinded by a newborn. You can be helpful at their own house.

No to BF moving in.

It's yout house @DannyOD and you and your dh can invite anyone you like to live in it with you. Any adults who dont like that can leave.

I’d suggest daughter and baby still stay with you and boyfriend welcome at weekends.
hopefully they will get organised and work towards their own place.
I wouldn’t have a man staying full time that could make your other daughter uncomfortable.
definitely yes to daughter and baby being welcome as long as they need.

They never step up. Babies don't transform them into princes - they go the other way: gaming, handing baby to mum every time it cries, etc. If he is to live in your house you need to set the rules now - how much he contributes in 'rent', daily chores, expectations around meals and cooking, laundry, smoking. Be on the front foot about this.

I think it's one thing to step up and take in an adult child's family unit after losing their home or something. That I would do in a heartbeat.

But to let a partner move in, (who you don't even like and who another family member hates enough to move out), when neither of them appears to have ever left the parental homes just seems like madness to me.

If they want to live together, they need to figure out how to do it independently.