AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

This! I wasn't living at home at 26 but things were different then.

We have a million jobless 18-25 somethings (plus all the ones claiming disability benefits, plus all the ones who aren't working who haven't signed on so the government doesn't know about them). Unless they have a private income, they can't exactly afford their own accommodation.

I would be telling DD1 not to have the baby. If it's too late, she and baby could live with me. Definitely no to boyfriend. No doubt she'll be on MN in a couple of years saying what a feckless manchild he is.

What does your DH think of these shenanigans, OP? Is he as eager as you are to house your eldest daughter, her unsuitable boyfriend, and a newborn infant?

Is he a great fan of tension in the house, given the prospect of his younger DD scowling and issuing ultimatums at dinner (should there be any), and his wife having no time for him as she’s far too busy taking care of the baby’s needs while its parents are out clubbing, as they reckon they deserve private time?

They all need to move out. They're adults.

How do you move out when there are no jobs and little rental accommodation even if you do have a job?

Honestly the comments on here! Spend less time on MN and read a newspaper!

AAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP should move in with Granny and leave them all to it.

I don't think its DD2s decision tbh, its yours and your husbands. All DDs are of an age where they are able to live independently

Its up to you. Only you know how much space you have, how you would cope living with a baby and the bf in your house. Its not something I would be particularly happy about and wouldn't exactly be encouraging my daughter to have a baby in this situation, but if you think your DD doesn't have any other options then it is what it is

If he's lazy now, there's no way he'll step up when you and your daughter are doing it all.

Your username is apt.

I would say it’s your choice not your DD2’s but at 26 your DD1 should not be relying on you to house her child. She’s a grown up who has to start acting like one

It's not kind to patronise mid 20s adults as if they're still daft teenagers.

Your daughter is 26, not a child. She and her partner should be planning their own home with their child. I'm afraid it sounds like you have facilitated your children not growing up and taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

Well he’s not going to step up if you’re offering free lodging is he. How about he gets a job? And her as well?

It would be completely unfair and unreasonable on your DD2 if you let this go ahead. If DD1 and her boyfriend want to be parents, then they BOTH need to step up and sort out somewhere for them to live as a family. If you go ahead and allow this to happen, that simply will not happen. 26 is old enough to stand on her own 2 feet and not burden you or her sister with all of this.

I have kids around the age of OPs youngest and they don't live at home, they live in flat shares with friends. I can only think of one of their friends who is still living at home, but that's because she's at uni around the corner from her parent's place. It's really not that impossible to move out if you are OK to live with other people and fine to move to where the jobs are. A lot of people don't have the option to live near where they grew up and still find a job and a flat. You have to have some drive and determination.

No.

Sadly, I imagine that when the baby is a toddler he'll be long gone.

Chaotic.

There is rental accommodation to be had - even in London both my DCs have found house shares, and one now found a flat with partner. Most young people also have jobs.

You think the boyfriend being given free accommodation, childcare, and no responsibility are the circumstances in which a lazy man becomes less lazy? You are doing your DD1 a disservice to facilitate this man's shit. Your younger DD has the wisest take of all of you.

No mention of how OP’s DH feels about any of this.

This thread is now a waste of time though, OP has only been back to say she wants to go ahead with this plan to have them all under her roof and hasn’t answered any questions about work/future plans beyond the newborn stage.

You’re not hesitant about it at all OP so why ask?

I would let them on a time limited basis to get themselves together. I also wonder if living with her grandmother would be a good arrangement for dd2 anyway, give some independence and responsibility

Consider yes. But ultimately, it is her (and DH's) choice.

If they want to allow DD & family to live there, it's up to her. Other DD also has the choice to stay or go. And frankly, she's lucky granny is prepared to have her.

I don’t live in the UK. Your username tells me you likely aren’t British either.
I do read plenty of newspapers though, but thank you for the suggestion. We don’t have this problem, which I am thankful for because it must be awful living at home unless you have a huge house with several bathrooms and more than one kitchen.

And by the sounds of it other posters think it’s not impossible if you have the drive to. The lazy boyfriend obviously hasn’t found his yet and prefers to move from his own parents house into his girlfriend’s mums house.

You have no idea where OP lives and you get something you can afford, the couple could rent a large room in a shared house, they both need to work to share the cost of the rent.

Why do people always bring up the adhd/autism card. What has that got to do with anything here? DD2 cant move in. Its a cop out on her and her boyfriends part. Id help out if no Dad around but this isnt the situation here unless youve got a massive house with self contained annex that you charge the going rate for.