AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

Why does the boyfriend need to move in as well? I’ve been in this position it doesn’t end well.

You haven't said what your husband thinks.

I'm don't think OP is coming back. I think most of us have very different views around this to be fair.

Sorry but why on earth were your DD and her bf even trying for a baby if they didn’t even have anywhere to live? It makes me question what advice and guidance you were giving them as a parent, I would have categorically told my daughter that you don’t plan to start a family until you at least have your own roof over your head, it’s ridiculous!

And even more ridiculous that you’re even considering letting them move in, they both need to grow up, if they can’t afford to buy then maybe help them by giving them a deposit for a rental but it’s not your problem, they’ve decided to bring another life into the world just expecting you to let them bring the child up in your house, at the age of 26 that’s insane. Are they even on the council housing waiting list? You’ve made it sound like they have no intention of finding their own accommodation unless you’re just missing information out of your post.

Think you need a reality check in all
honesty, I feel sorry for your other daughter

I’d let my dd, her partner and baby move in as they will need support. If dd2 doesn’t like it she can move out. Or possibly if I was very worried about dd2 or if i really disliked boyfriend i might say for dd1 and baby to live with me and boyfriend live at his parents.

This 100%. They have taken the decision to creat a new life, now they have to step up and care for it, in their own home. This new baby should be growing up in its own stable home.

The daughter is already living there, she's never left. She got pregnant while living with OP. The baby has effectively also moved in already 😂

The question's whether to let the lazy irritating boyfriend move in as well to play at families, while driving out the younger sister.

I agree with others that 26year old needs to move out with boyfriend and make a sensible plan. What does BF do? What does DD1 do for work? Maybe you could support them by giving them some money towards a rental deposit as a one off. I’d imagine if on low incomes they would be eligible for UC.
I think your DD2 is valid in her objections. Supporting DD1 doesn’t have to mean housing her bf and baby at the expense of your other DD (and frankly everyone’s sanity!)

Fair point😂 i initially thought yes he should but then I thought is it fair for dd2 to have to live with a man she is uncomfortable (or possibly the op for that matter) with

There's no way I would tolerate that. They'd be told to get their own place.

Once they see how fun it is playing mummies and daddies they'll want to get their own place anyway. I don't blame the DD2 for being hacked off.

You say bf is ‘lazy and irritating’ . I woujdn’t want him to move in. Sounds like a potential cocklodger.

Think practically. Does he work? Willing to pay a contribution fur him and dd to the household? Willing to do his own washing? Cleanin? Cooking? I suspect not.

I think this is the time to look at options for them to move out. Look at the bigger picture including your other daughter. You can still help her if she lives elsewhere.

Well they're unlikely to get on the council housing list now as they've got a roof over their heads at the moment. OP needs to chuck them out and they might stand a chance getting put up in emergency accommodation.

Do either of the parents to be actually work?

Sorry to be harsh but at 26 having a baby and living at mummy and daddy's house is a bit odd.

I realise you want to support your daughter but you don't have to live together to support her.

Maybe it was unplanned?

😆 This is absurd. Of course she and the boyfriend and baby need their own place. 26!

Can they register on the council housing register and also look for private rental now, surely you can help and if you can't then the council's welfare fund will help with a deposit for private rental.

I bet the father doesn't work.

I can’t understand what you want to happen.

She’s twenty six! She is pregnant to a lazy man and now she wants you to financially support them because they can’t look after themselves.

You want to support her and I’d do that with advice. Looking through their finances with them to see where they are going wrong, suggesting cheaper areas to move to. Helping them move to a place they can afford. Even offering some childcare so she can go back to work.

OP can start helping by turfing them out of the house. Then they will be homeless. More chance of getting housed by the council.
OP you need to be cruel to be kind.

Both dds are old enough that they should be thinking about moving out, really.

But if you want dd1 living at home I wouldn't base a decision about that on dd2's preference, she's unlikely to be in the house much longer. What do you want?

This is your answer
You find him irritating and lazy. No man ever changed because he had a baby.
He will drive you and DD2 mad. If his parents have more room they should ho there

I don't think you "don't know what to do". It's clear from your post that you prefer your eldest daughter and are looking for people to tell you that you're right in letting her and the boyfriend move in.

Personally, I think once you've decided to get pregnant you should be independent enough to live by yourself with the father of the child. It's unfair to impose your new family life on to others who might not exactly enjoy being woken up by baby screams in the middle of the night, and change their house and routines around the baby and the new parents.

Also, your youngest daughter sounds the most sensible of you all, including you. She sees who exactly the deadbeat boyfriend is. He not only cheats, but also can't seem to provide for his own family since these two geniuses are looking at squatting in other people's houses with their baby.

If you push your youngest daughter out to accommodate the oldest you might also damage the relationship with her. While you have a perfectly valid reason to say no to your eldest's request, IMO. It's too big of an ask.

But, I suspect you're going to move you eldest and her entourage in anyway.

For me it would depend on the boyfriend.

If he is genuinely a difficult person to live with, I'd be tempted to tell DD1 that her and the baby are welcome but her partner can only stay a couple of nights per week.

But if your youngest would just rather not live with him, or is holding a grudge about something that's not really any of her business, I'd tell her it's your house and both of your children will always be welcome. If she's not happy with her sister's family moving in then, as an adult, she's welcome to move out 🤷‍♀️. She can't expect you to choose between her and her sister.

If they do move in, I'd have a family meeting to set some ground rules around housework, noise (not the baby, obviously. Things like keeping your voices and media down after whatever time), use of bathrooms etc.

I agree that the OP can’t choose between her adult children but there is a difference between a twenty six year old who has a lazy boyfriend who has cheated on her and who is pregnant and a twenty two year old who had just finished university though.

And the OP does not need to tell her youngest daughter that she is ‘welcome to move out’ because she’s already told the OP that she will move out.

The OP would ‘love to have the baby here’ so maybe she’s choosing the baby and not either of her daughters.

On discovering that she was accidentally pregnant, the first thought of this young couple should have been …..we aren’t in a position to have a child as we can’t even afford accommodation for ourselves. Why weren’t we much more responsible, what a mess we are in, let’s look at all the implications and options asap, be accountable for our actions and decide what’s best for us all.

Instead, your entitled DD automatically assumed that it’s all going to be so lovely because Mum will of course be delighted and will step up to look after me and the baby and we can easily over-ride sister’s objection once boy friend is resident and in charge. She will no longer be the baby in the house so she will just have to get used to it, or better still move out to Granny’s house so we can have her room for the baby.

Being young and naive means they clearly haven’t a clue nor thought it all through with any sense of reality…only with rose tinted glasses which mum also seems to be wearing right now.

In your shoes OP, I would be very worried that this boy wasn’t right for my daughter.
And, even though they are naively thrilled with the romanticism of a new baby, this solution of theirs is likely to turn your calm household into a nightmare where you have to take sides and see your vulnerable DD2 become justifiably very miserable and have to move out. Why should she?
Let the young couple face the thought of living with granny ….or in a rented room somewhere else with their baby, or with his mum.

You already have a niggling doubt about him OP. Don’t ignore that.
Hoping he will realise his responsibilities and suddenly change for the better is lovely of you but is it realistic ?

My advice would be to say that the young couple must find out the cost of the sort of accommodation they aspire to with a baby in the mix, and then do their sums and work out how they intend to live independently, away from home. They need to consider the long term plan…careers, health, child care costs and know they have covered it all.
But no, they should not simply assume they will be living with you without exploring all other options first.

You are making it far too easy for them and doing them a great disservice at the same time. At least make them consider it properly so that they don’t feel so entitled.
I hope they come to their senses. They will have to grow up very fast.