AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

She is 26 and still living at home..!? Is this common in the UK?

And is having a baby but STILL has no plans in getting her own place? This can’t be good for anyone, it’s not healthy.

“I got the impression op is the dad”
Well op says “My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH” so I’m assuming op is the mum! (Yes I know gay couples exist but on the balance of probability and the fact that this is MUMsnet I’m going to assume mum).

But totally agree with the rest of your post.

Then again the sister is 22 and it’s more than time for her too to move out.

Living at home at 26 in the UK is not particularly unusual due to very high housing costs in many parts of the country.

However choosing to have a baby in your late 20s and still living at home especially when you have a partner is not common!

I think it fair enough for a 22 year old who’s only just graduated to still be at home. Yes many graduates don’t return home but equally many do, until they’ve had a few years to get on their feet.

Don’t tell me … she was diagnosed with PCOS
that diagnosis of impending infertility is banded around to teens and young women on repeat that they’ll struggle with fertility and Bam! They are pregnant

your eldest needs to move out - if she can’t afford to with her equally adult boyfriend then they can’t afford a baby

Ok. Can’t be easy for anyone..

I wouldn’t let him move in. If they want to have a family, they should move out.

Yes, all so easy, isn’t it? Rents are peanuts and council houses are ten a penny.

If they live with you, it is almost guaranteed that he won't step up and be an equal parent. He won't need to with you around to help your dd.

Could you move out somewhere, OP and let them have your house? You could kip on a friends sofa maybe?
@DannyOD

I think OP is gone to buy a cot and a baby seat for the car.

You might think you are helping them, but in practice what you are doing is infantalising them. And keeping them dependent on you.

What you should be doing is helping them move towards independent adult life. Encourage them to get jobs and find somewhere to live independently. You'll still be around to help with emergencies, childcare, etc

Sounds like a recipe for multiple disasters. Someone who can't live independently at 26 should not be off contraception. I get it, you want to look after her she's your daughter but you will end up doing everything while they fail to develop, and your younger daughter suffers. Everyone should be out by now. Three adults failing to launch. Sometimes you have to go in at the deep end to actually develop.

People parent differently I guess. But if she at 26 is unable to afford a baby, and you believe her 'partner' is 'lazy' then why on earth are you contributing to this dysfunction. Its not about 'telling someone what to do with their own body, its about YOU parenting your 26 yr old. Why are you even considering enabling something that will end in tears. If you have got yourself pregnat when you are insolvent, you can not be a parent. You do not have the means (financial and otherwise) to keep this baby. Madness OP. Madness

If it is your 'home' (rented or bought) you are the person responsible. Everyone else is just using your house after the age of 18 and have no rights to demand anything from you.

Therefore if you decide your DD1 is moving in with BF that is up to you. If DD2 doesn't like the situation she is free to move out. Neither of them have the right to "demand" anything. Either of them can accept the situation and your rules or make their own way in life.

They are 26 and 22, and the bloke is not far off. Times are hard but it's not WW2. The amount of coddling that goes on is incredible to me - if these people want to be babies for ever fine, but then don't get pregnant fgs!

I think at the age of 26, eldest DD is well able to try and organise her own accomodation.

I wouldn’t be willing to accommodate an adult DC’s partner.

Unlikely DD1’s boyfriend will ‘step up’. I’d offer to accommodate DD1 and the baby, but not her partner. And not to provide much childcare.

If DD1 declined and moved in with her partner’s parents I’d say the offer for her and DC remained open and try to keep lines of communication open.

Sometimes little kindness goes a long way...

having thought she might have fertility issues due to a health condition and/or medical advice doesn’t mean it’s good she’s pregnant at 26, if she’s unable to afford housing and to continue to work.

‘kindness’ to who: OP’s DD1? the boyfriend? DD2, OP to herself? There are incompatible interests here.

Do they both work? Surely they can afford to rent a 1 bed flat with two full-time wages? A one bed flat is more than adequate until baby is around 2. Especially when the alternative is one bedroom in a shared family home.

And those families would be told on here they'd be irresponsible for starting the family whilst "still" renting.

Emotional blackmail, probably

Well shouldn't they have sorted out somewhere to live before trying for a baby?!
Honestly this type of thinking baffles me (theirs and yours!)