AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

He is entering another person's home, he should be the respectful, especially when that person is autistic. She absolutely does get to dictate how she is treated.

Is this for real?

So they don't have their shit together enough to have a kid really, do they? No job, can't afford rent. Poor baby. People need to start taking responsibility for poor life choices.

The boyfriend sounds feckless. If your DD has this baby she will be tied to him for life and probably face years of difficulties - he's unlikely to be a good father, they will split up, it will be hard.

Being a good parent isn't about doing anything you can to make life easier for your child. It's about helping them fly as independent adults and live their own happy and fulfilling lives. So you should be encouraging the your DD and partner to be moving out from home and setting up a life together. When she realises she has to fund herself, run a home and raise a baby with him, not have her mother waiting on her hand and foot, she might start being more realistic about what she really wants and more able to make a well balanced decision about her future.

Yes agreed but she's already pregnant and sounds like she wants the baby.

This is what it boils down to really. It sounds like the pregnant daughter is like a small child playing dress up

Not particularly to be honest. He has some good points but I do find him irritating and lazy. I am hoping he will step up now. I do however love my Dd1 and want to help her
The chances are that not only he won't step up but that is laziness will become even more apparent.

This is exactly when you shouldn't have them living with you.
1- they've chosen to be parents, that comes with responsibilities, and being self independent and reliant is one of them.
2- he will drive you mad, you'll feel like you need to say something, because it's your house. Hell resent you, she'll resent you, and/or it will add difficulties to their relationship.
3- you'll take her side on any conflict, you'll find yourself in the mix of their conflict, you'll take on all the stress.

That's even before considering your youngest needs.

TBH, it sounds like you want them to move in because you want to have constant access to your grandchild to be and be a FT grandma. This will inevitably affect all the above points negatively.

Don't do it.

No, there are whole families being put up in hotels and hostels. If the OP and his parents refused to house them, they'd get offered a hostel. Priority is homeless, people in unsuitable housing (needing one floor), depending on the system it is care leavers, prison leavers. They would only be allowed a one bedroom and there's a shortage on one bedroom, general housing. The bedroom tax, local housing allowance and the anount of newly homeless people has made social housing impossible to get.

Wow! Thats nonsense that you are parroting. If he’s lazy to begin with. He’ll be lazy as a dad. Your daughter and you are gambling on a baby being enough to change someone! If he cheated, your daughter is hoping that a baby will make him commit to her. Its foolish to use a life( a baby’s life) to get people to change. I echo all the posters saying no to them moving in as a family. If they think they are ready to have a baby they can get their own space. You will lose your second daughter as she will feel that you prioritised your first and a new grandchild over her.

also if your second daughter just graduated despite being AuAdhd then wow you should be proud of her!

If the boyfriend is lazy there would be no incentive to do better living with you and therefore getting childcare and financial support. So that must be a no.

Your daughter and baby on the other hand, I could not leave them on the streets. But I wouldn’t let her become too vonfortable with the situation either. Best tomput some rules about who’s doing what for the baby and the amount of time the father can spend in the house too.

Or else some deadline to move out, at least.

She shouldn't get to dictate who her mother allows to live in her mother's house.

This.

Very difficult for you, but I would say no. There’s more room at his parents. What’s their long term plan?

I am assuming that since she believed she wasn’t able to get pregnant that this was unplanned, and a result of not using protection like people who believe they are fertile. However, her solution to this unexpected event can’t be to put herself and her partner and their baby into your care.

She is an adult and about to be a parent. If she doesn’t have a long term plan, she needs to come up with one.

As an AuDHD person, I absolutely could not share my home with a baby. It would be massively disruptive for her, especially if she already finds the boyfriend loud.

That said, I don't think some posters realise that "just move out" isn't an option for a lot of young people now. Especially one who in a few months time will be on maternity leave/not in a position to find a job.

The average age of a FTB now is 34, which doesn't give you long if you want a stable home of your own prior to children.

Marriage is also not something everyone wants (whether or not it's a good idea legally) - I know a lot of couples who are happily unmarried with children and significantly more stable than some who are married.

They will most likely be placed in a B&B as the demand for homes far exceeds supply. As they could theoretically be housed by family I'm not sure they would be given priority unless they have other vulnerabilities and even if they were it could be a long wait for suitable accommodation. Just having a newborn is not enough to be placed into the top banding.

Who says you need to buy a house? There's a third option other than buying or living with your parents.

The pp above who said they know a couple on £1500 a month rent - that should be affordable on 2x full time minimum wage, and that's even before you look into house sharing, which would be a fraction of the cost.

In my world, everyone in their early 20s rents in a house share until they can afford to buy.

If op's dd1 had done this at age 21, she might be more self-sufficient by now.

I think you should tell DD 1 that she and her baby, your first grandchild, will always have a roof over their head in an emergency ( and Dd2 would have to deal with that if it ever happens) but she and her boyfriend need to make their own home with the baby elsewhere.
DD1 and the baby's father need to take responsibility for their decision to have a baby together and become responsible parents who support themselves. You can offer help with some childcare or babysitting if you wish or are able to, but don't let this be taken for granted . It may be the making of her boyfriend. But f it turns out badly, then I think it is better for your daughter to know that she has the option of a safe haven rather than staying an unsatisfactory relationship , if boyfriend/father is not supporting her properly. You would need to take care that you were not used as a regularetreat for ordinary disagreements especially given Dd2 views, and the safe haven is only if the relationship breaks down irretrievably.

I agree

I rented for 20 years, which is why I know how stressed I'd be starting a family in private rental accommodation where you might have to leave your home at any point at two months' notice, or work out what to do when the rent goes up beyond what you can afford and you need to stay in the same area for their schools.

If they've never rented before they will also need a guarantor and in many areas fulfilling affordability requirements (often 30x the monthly rent). They will also need to buy, at bare minimum, a bed, mattress, kitchen equipment, somewhere to sit on/eat off.

Also good luck finding a houseshare that's happy taking a couple with a newborn and will have enough space for all three of them to live in one room. A lot of ads on SpareRoom won't even allow tenants to WFH in the property.

No, I said she should have house shared before, not with a newborn. We are talking about the Success Sequence, please read the comments you're quoting.

I'd still rather have a baby in a rented flat with my husband than in my parents' house with my boyfriend only allowed to visit. Plenty of Londoner families live in rented flats.

She's a 26year old woman who feels responsible enough to have a child with her boyfriend..why do you feel she's in no position to move out and take some responsibility for herself?

Both my 20 something kids will be moving out to London houseshares soon hopefully. Paying some £ 1200 or upwards for a grotty flat.

Exactly why they won't be having babies any time soon, or at all.

Poor excuse of a Mother who'd bring a adult man into the home of their disabled daughter, when it wasn't necessary. Unless it's a accidental, teen pregnancy, you've got no business expecting to set up a home, as a couple with a baby, in someone else's house.

Maybe let him stay a couple nights a week but that's it. Once past the newborn stage they might be better off at his parents.