AIBU to want a relationship but feel it is impossible to tolerate a man? Anyone else?

[Yrepw]

I truly dislike them. Of course there’s one or two I hold in high esteem but even they are entitled in a way that most women are not.

I used to love the idea of marriage and even being a stay at home parent, the idea of being a team with a man and building a relationship. I’m now in my forties and quite literally every man I have been involved with has caused me some pain in some way. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But truly, the way I have been treated by men even at the best of times has often been filled with stress, being patronised, being let down. I know people will read this and think ‘well choose a better man’ but honestly these men were some of the ‘good ones.’

I would love to have a marriage but can’t face a man in my life. Sadly I’m not a lesbian. Has anyone else reached this point?!

Am gay and don’t know how you all put up with male partners! I really like a lot of men, but that’s because I get their fun side as friends without having to put up with their BS as partners.
I know some amazing women who would like to have a DH etc but don’t seem to be able to find a man because these men seem to think that women their own age are too old for them, too ‘set in their ways’ or not ( FILL IN THE blank) for them.
It’s frustrating to watch these wonderful, smart, interesting women get rejected by blokes who quite frankly don’t deserve them anyway.
Don’t know what the answer is, if any of my single friends were actually gay I could have them married off to an equally impressive woman within a month! Not even kidding.

OP you SURE you aren’t gay??? Women are really, really good at sex.

I wouldn’t want a relationship with any man if I ever split from my husband.
My husband was complaining that an elderly woman had started at work and was never going to keep up with the pace of work at her age so would inevitably be a hindrance.
I thought how sad that someone who would probably like to retire was forced to struggle on in old age but it turns out… Elderly woman is in fact the same age as me 43 which by the way is 4 years younger than him at 39.
His response when I asked how he thought she was elderly was to simply rephrase what he said and say he just meant she was an old woman.
Never has he commented on the many men that work there in their 60s and above but I now know he thinks of me as an elderly/old woman which makes me feel great especially as we have young children together and I’m a long way off being the grandma he sees me as.

When humans get made they give out cocks or a conscience..you don't get both. Get cats

This is very toxic and strange

Either you are attracted to absolutely arse holes or you have a very high standard that is impossible to live up to

Or your queer and not quiet at the point that you are ready to accept it

Really? Or many many women are just sick of make entitled bullshit. You've been very lucky if youve only ever experienced decent men.
Nothing wrong with high expectations. Our expectations of men have been far too low for far too long.

You are truly mixing with the wrong men. Or maybe try a woman? Nothing wrong with that

I’ve been single for 4 years. I thought I’d met my perfect man, turns out all he was perfect at was acting and lying. He sexually abused my eldest daughter from that union when she was 7, the marriage ended. I have resigned myself to the fact I will be single until my last breath. I could never trust another man and I know it would be unfair to subject a man to my lack of trust around my children. I believe there are many decent men out there who would never hurt or abuse a child but how would I know for sure. I got my XH so very wrong. Over the last 4 years he has showed his true colours throughout the divorce, police investigation and now the justice system has started he’s stopped even lower than anyone ever imagined. So my dating/relationship days are over. I’m sad about that but it’s better for my sanity to be alone.

You don’t have to be attracted to any absolute arseholes to encounter them in every day life.

They walk among us.

I think of you went at it with the ambition of finding a man who would keep you as a SAHM, you probably narrowed your pool somewhat and attracted a certain type. While families can fall into this model from necessity, men who set out wanting to meet with a woman who looks after their DC and keeps house for them often display other difficult traits.

Tbh I am married and I do think my DH is amazing, but I don’t really spend time with men other than him. I love my brothers but I feel sorry for their wives, they’re a bit lazy. And I would say they’re less lazy than average because my mum did make them cook and clean from a young age. I have some gay friends, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve lost a lot of gay friends as I’ve realised they’re just as misogynistic as straight men sometimes - the gays that remain are great though. I think a gay man can be a woman’s greatest ally or a real threat, it just depends. As a generally rule, I don’t really concern myself with men outside of my immediate family, and it’s not for lack of trying I’ve just come to a point where I can’t be bothered being disappointed again.

I don't think you have to be a lesbian to live with a friend or housemate so that you have company without the stress of a relationship with a man. If dh died I definitely wouldn't have another relationship, but would consider having a housemate. There are bound to be women out there who would like to do the same.

If all else fails, get a cat 😁

I think people are missing the point a bit.

Its not that all men are arseholes. Some are obviously but a lot aren’t.

The point is that settled cohabitation with a man is usually quite a bad deal for women.

The embedded nature of misogyny in our society and men’s hard-wired ideas about how women should behave in relationships and what their domestic obligations are means that in a majority of situations a woman will end up doing the lion’s share of domestic work usually on top of a paid job (sometimes a breadwinner’s job). So even the kindest and most progressive of men tend to have a blind spot about this. There are noble exceptions but this is the default.

Having a settled long term relationship with a man usually means compromising a lot of your freedom, your choices about how to live and your autonomy.

For many women, particularly younger women who can’t support themselves, that’s probably a compromise worth making but for someone like OP (and many others) who are successful and solvent in their own right its not.

You face a choice of compromise on the way you live to accommodate someone else’s choices, or being on your own.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you hate men, it just means that what they offer you doesn’t really deliver.

As a mother of boys I have to say, this thread makes me extremely upset.

There are plenty of wonderful men out there. Perhaps you need to figure out why you’re attracting so many horrible ones?

I bet all those INCEL chat rooms sound just like you, but talking about women.

Let’s get a grip and stop the negativity. Male loneliness is an issue. Let’s not write them all off!!!

What makes you want a relationship if you find men disappointing? Are you lonely?

I believe that All women, and probably Mankind , have been sold a myth about ROMANCE and Marriage. Well, I'm in the twilight years and I believe that it does not exist ! What I believe , now, is that WOMEN are the VICTIMS in this scenario, victims of men's BRAINWASHING, of LOVE - BOMBING in order to ' get their way/ woman ' who will subsequently REPLACE [ their] Mother ( whom they know that they must break free from). I believe that we choose relationship which fills a gap missing in our up bringing. This is what early relationship patterns follow. As we get older and wiser, we see how preposterous everything is and if in a marriage with children at this point: it's the Female who suppresses the Rage in order to keep a happy house, all the while: the Male just carries on with life. As we get older we realise that MARRIAGE isn't a confirmation of True Love but a contract to keep family or have children.Men and women are continually trying to trap each other. When the games stop then true feelings are revealed. But at the end of the day we are all looking for that special person, who, ultimately will probably slip through our fingers, not marry you, so Romance and Marriage is a trap and LIVING TOGETHER is IMPOSSIBLE with any man. !!!!!!!!!! It DONT work !!!!! But falling in Love, that's different.....

Look up lavender marriage. You have a partner and a relationship, but not in the same sense you would have with a man who is straight. I have a friend who has a gay husband and they have been together for 20 years. Adopted children and a loving home.

If I was ever single again I don’t think I could face dating. You have to wade through so much rubbish to find a decent man.

I have boys too.

Honestly, (speaking in general, not targeting a specific poster on here) the kind of woman who claims that MEN are by nature a different species, natural enemies of women, (with added bonus: if you don't do feminism like I say, you are a handmaiden) and so on
these are not the women I would ever wish on my boys. Or my even girls! 😂

I have plenty of men and women friends and see younger people. I am not worried. I feel a bit sorry for some people who are so bitter, but they are not a reflection of the real world I see everyday.

Most men in their 40s or more tend to have their life together and don't require any hassle from a woman. The common denominator is you. If you won't change, that's fine , but don't expect a man to run around after you unless you are exceptional (which you aren't)

Agree. Romance is a huge confidence trick played on young people to persuade them that monogamy is a good idea. It serves a purpose in that it supports marriage, which is an important foundation for the raising of children. But once your children are grown and when you have your own financial security marriage is a waste of time (and in some cases actively risky).

You are perfectly entitled to your opinion.

I am pleased to say, this is not my experience AT ALL. And I am happy it's not.

The longer this thread has gone on the more I think it should be shown to men as a warning about toxic women.

But the OP says she wants a relationship?

Perhaps you need to figure out why you’re attracting so many horrible ones?
Are you serious?

My daughters were brought up to respect themselves and not let a man disrespect them but it didn’t stop her from being sexually attacked.

So many woman and girls are victims of men’s misogyny from school, workplace to shopping in the supermarket, and you think perhaps women should figure out why they are attracting so many horrible ones because you love your sons?
Maybe because there are so many horrible ones out there that only a mother could love?

Incel groups of men who are violent towards women and feel they are owed sex who join groups to degrade women and support this entitlement are not the same as women who realise they don’t need to put up with this.

Male loneliness is an issue for some men yes but it’s not a job for women to fix.

And if not there is always lovehoney…just buy yourself a boyfriend