AIBU to want a relationship but feel it is impossible to tolerate a man? Anyone else?

[Yrepw]

I truly dislike them. Of course there’s one or two I hold in high esteem but even they are entitled in a way that most women are not.

I used to love the idea of marriage and even being a stay at home parent, the idea of being a team with a man and building a relationship. I’m now in my forties and quite literally every man I have been involved with has caused me some pain in some way. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But truly, the way I have been treated by men even at the best of times has often been filled with stress, being patronised, being let down. I know people will read this and think ‘well choose a better man’ but honestly these men were some of the ‘good ones.’

I would love to have a marriage but can’t face a man in my life. Sadly I’m not a lesbian. Has anyone else reached this point?!

This is what misogynistic men just don’t understand. Alone does not equal miserable. Alone can equal true peace and contentment. And many many women are not “alone” anyway - they have friends, family, who all mean the world to them and they don’t need to centre a man in their lives to be happy. And the men just can’t deal with that - hence all the lashing out and mantrums online trying to get women “back in their place”.
Yeah well we decide now what is our place in life.

Of course people understand wanting to be single. But op is unsure so she needs to investigate that and the reality of either choice in its fullness.

Nothing wrong in wanting to be single.
Nothing wrong in wanting a relationship but never live with someone anymore.
The only people you are ever committed to, and for life, are your kids.

I don't understand why "women" would be the solution and why they would be "tolerable" when men are not, they're just people.

You can just look at this forum and see that SOME women are horrible. The things some posters come up with, and the way they act and think.

What a strange comment. You can be happily married for sixty years and still be alone at the end because you were widowed.

It took me years to finally decide I was done being in relationships. It’s been ten years of voluntary singledom and I haven’t once felt any angst about it. It’s been emotionally peaceful and I am in control of my life every day. If I want to book a holiday to Japan tomorrow I can. If I wanted to go on a three month cruise I can. If I want to get a dog, cat or both I can. If I want to decorate my house all in pink and fairy lights I can. I’ll never swap that freedom now for compromise and definitely not for someone’s moods.

Hahaha! I’m sure it’s worth a try!

I get you OP.
My DH is from Singapore, and men are just raised differently there, there’s a low crime rate etc and it’s just a completely different culture and he’s genuinely lovely. If we ever split, I’d not bother with British men again, experience tells me it’s not worth it. It’s not a men thing generally, it’s the culture in which many boys are raised. Both in society and as a family.

Doesnt mean you’re a lesbian! It’s a complicated feeling and I’m not sure everyone understands (yet?)

I have an amazing dh. But after seeing what a lot of my friends have put up with I say the same. If anything happened to him I would not be interested if meeting anyone else for all the reasons you give.

I’m 42 and feel completely exhausted by relationships. I can relate to what you said about even the good men causing pain, and I just generally now find relationships to be too much work and compromise. I can’t be bothered anymore.

I might change my mind one day and look for another relationship, or maybe I’ll just meet someone - who knows? In the meantime, though I’m perfectly happy and content on my own. Honestly, get a dog - they’re much better company and mostly very agreeable 😂.

Even if I do have another relationship at some point, I will not live with another man ever again. I’ve tried it twice and it’s just not for me.

I think it’s incredible sad that you can dismiss all men like that - you clearly have had bad experiences

A few posts have mentioned posts on mumsnet as a guide to how relationships/men are. mumsnet is not reflective of real life. At all. I’m highly unlikely to make a post saying DH and I went for drinks last night. It was nice. Just a couple hours. Had a takeaway pizza after. Nice evening. I’m much more likely to post something like DH and I had a massive row and I want to know who was being unreasonable. The reality being what I want is other people telling me I was 100% right and him 100% wrong. Real life is rarely so black and white.

Don’t have a relationship when you clearly hate men. It isn’t fair on them. You will nitpick every single little thing. Also, don’t tar all men with the same brush. Men who declare they hate women get crucified in here. It should be the same when reversed

This.

I suppose it all depends on how much of a misandrist you are really. Bear in mind of course they might not find you much of a catch either.

😂

This old trope gets thrown out all the time on threads like this. I just find it funny how some people seem to have a real problem with women who are very happily single. Most odd.

Women are sold the dream of a perfect relationship with a man, an equal partnership, being a team on equal terms. Men will play along for a while until you're in too deep and then they stop. Protect your peace and your home. You can build a rich, deeply connected life on your own terms.

If anything happened to DH, I would never, ever live with a man again.
I would take a lover, (maybe more than one!) and have boyfriends and dates but my home would be off limits. I'm not doing the housework, cooking, cleaning and emotional and mental labour for anyone else.

I have no negative opinion on anyone being single.

What I find amusing is the idea that women are the holy grail in relationships and men are at best an inconvenience that you do a favour to.

I had a 30 year marriage to a man who became more and more idiotic frankly, then a 7 year ‘living apart together’ relationship with a man which ended 6 months ago when he was arrested for possession of extreme pornography 😱. I feel I’m over the shock and horror of that, but he had seemed to be a good (not perfect) man so I am left with the feeling that men are just stupid and vile…

…which means I’m fine working with them, I still love my brother and my sons-in-law, but I will never share my bed or life with another man.

In fact I’m fine with this. So much so I am actively looking for a ring for myself that denotes (for me, I won’t tell anyone else) that I am in a happy relationship with myself until I die.

Perhaps just revel in being single but be open to the possibility of a relationship with a lovely person if they come along.

On any post where anyone is single and unhappy, numerous people line up to post a variant of the unhelpful, smug, double-whammy of: "I'm happily in a relationship with my lovely, one-of-the-good-ones husband, but if he died I wouldn't seek another relationship, I'd be absolutely happy and content by myself."

Why post this? You're not single and who knows how you would actually feel if you were, and neither of these observations are in any way helpful to the OP.

If that was aimed at me, read my post again, especially the last line. Does it come across as smug?

I get it. It's not asking for the earth to not want a relationship with someone that's going to be detrimental to you.

You need to be pickier to start with.

To be fair my husband is a gentle, kind, funny man and my mate’s is an ethical and kind hearted bloke. Our male children are beautiful humans who are nurturing and supportive partners. DH has hardly any male friends though - can’t find ones he likes. He can’t abide the posturing, the porn, the football, the banter, the sexism. He looks like a bloke’s bloke so they often try bond that way. He reminds me of that comic who says he looks like the posterboy for racists and has the joke qin response to the coming over here comments he looks to invite that he knows, there was even one in his bathroom this morning. DH is the feminist version. He is a much more gentle soul that me and finds life tough. Same for my friends DH . It’s us who hold the show together so we still joke that we would be an amazing couple if only we were gay. You aren’t unreasonable.

In a happy relationship with a lovely man and know many lovely men. Yes they are different to women. Yes that can be frustrating. But it's also natural, men and women are different. Physically and socially.