AIBU to want a relationship but feel it is impossible to tolerate a man? Anyone else?

[Yrepw]

I truly dislike them. Of course there’s one or two I hold in high esteem but even they are entitled in a way that most women are not.

I used to love the idea of marriage and even being a stay at home parent, the idea of being a team with a man and building a relationship. I’m now in my forties and quite literally every man I have been involved with has caused me some pain in some way. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But truly, the way I have been treated by men even at the best of times has often been filled with stress, being patronised, being let down. I know people will read this and think ‘well choose a better man’ but honestly these men were some of the ‘good ones.’

I would love to have a marriage but can’t face a man in my life. Sadly I’m not a lesbian. Has anyone else reached this point?!

Honestly I think you’re at a tricky age to meet someone. Most “good” men in their 40s/50s will be settled in their relationships now and likely raising children etc.

There will be some who are single for good reasons, but they may come with children. But the majority there will be a reason why they’ve not found someone already or why it hasn’t worked out.

I also think you need to be realistic though. Everyone can be patronising, annoying, hurtful at times. I’m a nice person generally but can be a real cow bag around my period for example. Try not to alienate people or fall down the “men are bad” rabbit hole, as you’ll be missing out on the positive life you could have. Men can be bad, yes definitely. But women can also.

I think there’s 2 things here. Letting go of the idealised relationship vision you have and coming to terms with that loss.

frankly men are just people, it’s not correct that there’s some sort of inherent badness about them. Yes socialisation is poor and emotional intelligence few and far between. But anyone who dates women will also have horror stories.

are you happy to stay single or do you actually want romantic companionship. If yes decide what you want in a partner and BE STRICT. No flexible boundaries, no red flags, no “giving it a go” this might make dates few and far between.

if no. Build a life for yourself that you want, with friends, hobbies and enjoyment. There isn’t only one way to do life or have companionship.

@ntmdinoi am inclined to agree.

Yeah… it’s not going to feel so liberating when you’re miserable and alone at the end of your life.

Why?

Wow trust me love i dont need a man to feel happy and loved with people around me. I have wonderful friends and a very close family and 2 wonderful DD. I am happy and comfortable in my own company and have a very comfortable income and will have an excellent pension. Trust me I dont need a man to make me happy. In fact they seem to make it quite the opposite. Most i have had the pleasure of are parasitic children at best and entitled abusive arseholes at the worst. Maybe those of you with male partners will be the miserable ones eh

Wow trust me love i dont need a man to feel happy and loved with people around me. I have wonderful friends and a very close family and 2 wonderful DD. I am happy and comfortable in my own company and have a very comfortable income and will have an excellent pension. Trust me I dont need a man to make me happy. In fact they seem to make it quite the opposite. Most i have had the pleasure of are parasitic children at best and entitled abusive arseholes at the worst. Maybe those of you with male partners will be the miserable ones eh

You’re trying way to hard to convince me (and yourself) that that’s true.

If you actually want a relationship. Nothing wrong with not wanting one obviously.

I actually think the male loneliness epidemic is because their own vile behaviour has meant that nobody really wants to spend time with them. They've brought it on themselves.

Because if you do want to be with someone it requires compromise. Everything can’t only be your way or on your schedule.

you are two people making space for each other and at 30+ that comes with a whole adult life or other commitments, foibles and responsibilities. Or is the expectation that someone should accept you as you are but without it being reciprocated?

Not trying to convince anyone you're the one who think I need a man to be happy? Im perfectly happy with my life

There’s no guarantee that you’ll have anyone with you when you die. What a weird comment.

The answer is possibly a women commune these are gaining traction globally.
Ones actually been built in my area its a small housing development with individual units and shared communal spaces.

I know people will read this and think ‘well choose a better man’ but honestly these men were some of the ‘good ones.’

To my shame I used to be in this camp but you wont hear it pass my lips these days... we need to loudly shout that men need to step it up.
honestly from their pov i dont get it..."not much" put them leagues above their peers. It's actually EASY to have huge competitive advantage.

I don’t hate them all but so many have poor behaviour. I did very surprisingly end up married and have children. Still married for coming up close to 30 years. I was friends with DH for almost 2 years before dating.

I enjoyed dating very much before though but on my terms, I was 30 when I got together with DH. I had 3 boyfriends before him, 2 of them wanted to marry me. I ended all those relationships when they didn’t suit me. One had an overbearing family and there were religious issues there and the other was just not ambitious enough. He was and is a social justice warrior, I saw him giving a speech at a rally about 7 years ago on TV, going at it with his unstructured 6th form politics.

Any other chancers just one foot out of line by a smidge and there was no second date. My hairdresser dumped a guy once because of the way he ate apples. You may have been too tolerant but unaware you were being too tolerant in the past.

That's such a ridiculous comeback. So someone basically cannot robustly defend their position because then they're trying to hard and must not really think it? The certainty that someone will definitely regret not settling for a crap relationship and die lonely is both patronising and arrogant.

I’m reading this thread as OP doesn’t want to compromise anymore, I didn’t. It’s funny that there are people who can’t understand why anyone wants to be single. We are so conditioned to want to be in a relationship. My friend has a terrible marriage and she’s obsessed with me finding a partner, misery loves company I suppose.

So you like the idea of marriage, but not the reality of it.

In that case you probably need to de-programme yourself from society’s ideas fed into you for decades, and accept your own ideas.

I’m somewhat in the same but also different spot. I really like men and their company, spending time with them. However I don’t like the idea of commitment/ a shared routine, and family life. Therefore I’ve accepted that I’ll just have a fair few men loosely in my life, and deal with the inevitable disappointment of them wanting more whenever required.

I like the idea of a relationship, but in reality I like my own lifestyle more, and it just doesn’t seem compatible with what’s expected by a partner

I could have written the OP.

I honestly would like a relationship (perhaps a living apart together set up), and I’m not without offers.

But even the best of men I know, and I do know some great guys, even they have traits which would be deal breakers for me. I really would like to meet a woman I find attractive, but I never have.

You only have to read a small %age of threads on here to see the truth of this.

Like others have said I'm talking about a situation where for some reason my marriage was no longer.

Im lucky in that i have a great partner who i couldn't be without, but i see some of the useless women my friends ended up with and there's no way I'd bother with women if i was somehow single again.

DD is gay and the muck-around she’s had from other women is ridiculous, makes me think that they’re worse than men to be in a relationship with, but in a different way.
No shade to not wanting to be in a relationship w a man, but I think dislike of all men is a bit OTT. I really like men (in general).

Why would sharing space with someone you don’t respect or like through gritted teeth in old age be better than being on your own?

You seem to think you know more about the OP than she knows about herself.

I understand exactly what you mean. Every relationship I have had has failed due to the man’s bad behaviour. I no longer have relationships. I don’t hate men though, I can’t, I have wonderful sons who, thankfully, are not toxic in any way.

I am so much happier being single but it would have been lovely to have had a genuinely good man to share my life with but it wasn’t to be.

If you read the relationship board on here you'd never be with a man again. The abuse, violence and financial abuse is terrifying. I'd lock them all up.
I've been married 38 years and I know I wouldn't get married again. My DH is lovely but I hate cooking (he does the cleaning and main shop). I just want to watch chic flicks and eat cheese. He likes neither! We've had a rollercoaster marriage due to caring responsibilities, financial woes and serious illness.

My bff is a bisexual . The women have been as nasty as the men. She's 65 and still looking. Three marriages, only one good. I told to give it up but she won't. The last bf was 38 and a gold digger. Now married to someone else but 'keeping in touch'.

Now I don't mind men in general but I will never work for a male boss again. Toxic arseholes have made me retire early.

But I dont understand, from what you said, why you want a relationship?