AIBU to want a relationship but feel it is impossible to tolerate a man? Anyone else?

[Yrepw]

I truly dislike them. Of course there’s one or two I hold in high esteem but even they are entitled in a way that most women are not.

I used to love the idea of marriage and even being a stay at home parent, the idea of being a team with a man and building a relationship. I’m now in my forties and quite literally every man I have been involved with has caused me some pain in some way. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But truly, the way I have been treated by men even at the best of times has often been filled with stress, being patronised, being let down. I know people will read this and think ‘well choose a better man’ but honestly these men were some of the ‘good ones.’

I would love to have a marriage but can’t face a man in my life. Sadly I’m not a lesbian. Has anyone else reached this point?!

Yes, I am in the midst of getting divorced and am a bit lonely, but every time I think about it I decide I don't actually want any more of that thank you very much

I would like sex occasionally, someone to go on nights out with other than just my friends and someone to do a few things around the house and spoil me

it could be more than one man but for them to be there only when I want them to be and to keep their opinions to themselves

the idea of a relationship that is equal holds no interest or the effort of getting to know someone

so I guess I shall carry on being happy single

Well if you cant tolerate a man there is zero point in even trying to pursue a relationship.
But perhaps you've just chosen the wrong men in the past. If you make an attempt to try a relationship has any man even got so much as a chance if you already cant tolerate men.

Sadly I agree. I have been married and divorced 3 times and all 3 husbands seriously abused me in multiple ways. And no they didn’t show themselves before we were married and I was pregnant.

Even boyfriends I’ve had since who didn’t get the chance to become husbands have been mansplainers, often spongers, lazy, absolutely entitled and honestly genuinely thought they were better than me in every way despite the evidence that they were not. They belittled my achievements and criticised me.

I’m now 58 and am coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. And honestly that’s fine!

The older women get, the more clearly we see when it comes to men.
Im 55, single by choice and since I made that conscious choice I've feel happier, more secure and more free than I ever felt when I was younger.
It's true I've been very unlucky in relationships, all emotionally abusive, 2 kids, different dads, neither of whom wanted to stick around. It was only after the last, utterly awful relationship over a decade ago when my youngest was 2, I made a conscious decision to stop pursuing happiness with a man because it impacted my children and I clearly have terrible judgment.
We were fed a narrative that suited an archaic society. And the truth is men are entitled and selfish and women are still seen as inferior in the eyes of society.

I wish I had the power to bestow lesbianism upon you! Not to brag, but it's great.

@Pheriandid your friend knows he was gay before they married? Why did she stay?

I know what you mean. I work with lots of men who I think are brilliant in many ways and I get along with them but my god I couldn’t live with them! There’s one guy who actually managed to shack up with a former student who is 15ish years younger than him and also now an academic herself so bright. He’s a lovely guy in his own way but he’s so flakey and erratic. He always seems so flustered, running late, kind of like life is happening to him iykwim. I don’t know how women put up with it, especially with no kids in the mix so like why.

Yes, she knew he was gay before they married.

I could have written your post myself. You are not the only one feeling this way x

One of my GF's has been telling me about her night, last night with a lady. Sounds like she had tremendous fun.

Is she gay too? I thought that's what a lavender marriage was? Don't either of them want a sexual relationship with someone?

No, she isn't gay. I imagine they do or have had sexual partners outside of the marriage, but I don't ask them personal questions like that. There are some youtubers out there in these relationships as well, if you're curious about it, it's worth looking them up.

See I wonder at my age why they are still not settled but you have the dream we can wish for.

If you already know you can't tolerate men I think you need to ask yourself why you still want a relationship with one. What do you think a relationship with a man would add to your life that you don't currently have?

I can't tolerate men in a relationship either so I'm single but I'm very happy about that choice. It's such a relief to accept that I don't have to try to live up to the expectation of being partnered and life is very peaceful.

No, I dont feel that way about men at all. Although, tbf, if I were to lose my husband I wouldnt be looking to replace him - he's the only man of 60 that I fancy.

TBH I can't stand humans. But I need sex occasionally. So single with friends and lovers.

He’s younger! So was in his early thirties when we met. And is very shy and works all over the place so although he had the odd very short fling he’d never had a proper relationship before. I think that’s why he’s so lovely, he wasn’t jaded 😂

@Yrepw

I'd rather chew glass than have any man plant his boots under my bed! But, I'm old and have borne and raised my children and seen them fly. So now I have no real need of a man. There is nothing they can supply me with that I can't get on my own.

My DH would have been categorized as a 'good man' during most of our years together. But after 38 years of marriage his drinking spun out of control and we are now legally separated. But here's the thing, even before he spun out, even during the good years, I knew that should I lose him I would never want to 'bind' my life to another man. Life was wonderful, he was a good husband and father and I loved him deeply. But at times the idea of only having to consider myself, of not having to compromise on things was rather appealing. Now that it's a reality, wow, I would never give up total self-determination for all the tea in China. So whilst I get the idea of wanting to be 'coupled up' one has to realize that it comes with compromise and 'giving up' a lot of your self determination. Can it be worth it? Sure. But is it worth it 100% of the time? Not so sure. Just whatever you do, do not 'settle'. As you can tell from my story, even the right man doesn't always stay the right man, sadly.

Oh, and don't stop working. Always maintain your financial ability to support yourself. Sadly, you never know when you may need to.

Same here.if I divorce or my husband dies I'm staying single

The toxic women who get to work full time, have to pay for nursery care if they want a child, pay half the mortgage and bills, do all the housework and mental load then find their Mr Wonderful is dumping them for a younger model when they're pregnant with a second baby.

Yeah, sounds like a great deal for women. No wonder we get fed up.

What is it that you want out of a relationship OP?

I wonder what age everyone is on here, and at what age they had their first bf.

I have some friends who can't ever be without a man, but i suspect that's because they got boyfriends before their self worth developed. My self worth was tied into my academic and job success, so I don't a partner for validation.

Equally, I think biology plays a big part in heterosexual relationships. I'm happily married, but hitting menopause, so should anything happen to dh, the biological impulse to be with a man isn't really there. My eggs have flown.

I like men. I enjoy their company. But it's women I have my closest relationships with.

Also wouldn’t bother if this one died or left (and I like him v much). Thank fuck for the menopause.

I get it. If my partner and I ever split up I don’t intend to live with another man again. Even if I meet someone else, I’ll have my house and they’ll have theirs. I’m a generally calm person and I can’t be doing with drama and bullshit, especially when they think is down to the woman.