Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

To add:

I’ve read the second exchange now and it’s worse from him. I would be devastated and fuming over this. LTB territory.

I wouldn't be impressed to read these messages from my DP
But, it does look more like she's pushing it than him, yes he's responding rather than shutting it down but his responses are pretty crude rather than flirty and he doesn't seem to be encouraging her.
I think you're doing the right thing both in screenshots and in leaving it until he gets back.
Hopefully he's contrite, if so then he doesn't get a LTB from me

He's absolutely encouraging her! What are you reading??

It sounds very crude and full on, from both of them and especially her. It’s not a mild flirtation or a hint of something between them. I could personally not forgive that.

Did you read the 2nd one though?

There is some heavy flirting here, so it's clear they both fancy each other. I'm not convinced it's gone any further...at the moment. It may not go any further but there's a higher likelihood, if they work for the same company, than if they were random strangers who connected online.

At first it looked like she was pushing the boundaries and he was stupidly following but the second example is more him. Essentially as bad as one another.

You need to speak to him in person. He may have had no intention of taking the flirting beyond what it is. However, if he's flirting with another women, it says he's looking for attention elsewhere. Is that because he's unhappy in your relationship or because she's giving him a good ego boost and he's too weak to resist? None of which excuses his behaviour.

If you had to pull him up on it, perhaps it is in his nature a bit and he moderates it with you because you've made it clear you don't like it? Not a criticism, I don't like that stuff either, just a suggestion perhaps he is hiding that part of his personality?

Yes because the men are usually rubbish in bed

Tramp? Are you 85 years? If you are. we don't use those terms to describe women anymore.

Literally yes! Lots of over promising and under delivery in my experience

I didn’t say he wasn’t engaged in it. I said it was led by her (which it is), and that he should have shut it down.

This. A thousand times over.

I am so sorry you are going through this . It is cheating , it is (at least) the start of an emotional affair and they have taken it up a notch by being sexually explicit .

I agree with others that it doesn’t seem like it is advanced . Can you see if he has messaged her when he had been away with his friends ? As that is telling if , whilst he is away he is checking in / communicating with her when he should be contacting you .

It has crossed many lines . You have to be aware that he will try and minimise / gaslight you . He will say that it was just fun / escapism and that nothing ever happened . That may be the case , but he is certainly giving a very strong impression that he / she wanted something to happen . The intention / thoughts were there for both of them . They may never have taken it to the physical level - you don’t know .

It is different to porn , a celeb crush etc as he is interacting with a real person from his day to day life and there is the possibility at least that something could happen .

I know it is embarrassing / awkward but I think it would also help you if you are able to speak to / confide in someone in real life . Someone who can be on your side but not
immediately leap to LTB . It will take you out of your own head .

This is not necessarily relationship ending for you both , but could be . He has totally disrespected you and your relationship . Factors will include your own red lines , has he crossed them for you? How does he react when you confront him - is he genuinely remorseful / apologetic ? How can trust be re- built if you decide to give him another chance . Couples counselling should be considered if you are wanting to continue in the relationship .

Take care of yourself , this is an emotionally hard time for you to deal with .

But the second one is him leading. Encouraging her to say what features about him she likes

He doesn't want to shut it down. He's fully enjoying it.

Only you can decide if you can put this in a box and trust him again. Because he is going to say all the right things, and then he will never leave himself logged in again, and he'll probably become more attached to his phone.

When you talk to him about it, look for him to be pro active in making this right - showing you messages, not deleting stuff, sending her a definitive shutting down message, not working directly with her etc. You shouldn't have to ask him to do any of this.

This would be the end of the relationship for me.

He's spending time and sexual energy on a woman that isn't you. It's unforgivable. Would you do this with another man? Of course not. And how would he feel if you did? I bet he'd be outraged. I'd ruin his lads weekend by sending him screenshots and telling him it's over. I would also message her and tell her that you are forwarding screenshots to her DH. See how that goes down on her girls night. She will be drunk and fly into a panic. Good.

When people indulge in this type of grim
behaviour , I do wonder how they would feel if the same thing was done to them
How would OP’s dh feel if she was talking about a male colleagues ‘ man juice’ or something ?
You can bet that her dh would go ballistic , yet he thinks it’s ok to be doing this nonsense with another man’s wife .