AIBU Over Nephew's Wedding?

[MommaGriff]

My gorgeous nephew is getting married (twice) but I have had a falling out with my brother over it. Not sure if I ABU or he is though. Nephew announced wedding last year, getting wed this year, initially registry office with 2 witnesses, with a celebration in September with guests. My sister and I were delighted with the news and received invites for her and her husband and myself and my daughter to September wedding at a large manor house about 7 hours away. 2 day event, ceremony and shindig on the Saturday for around 160 guests, then relaxed 'hangover recovery day' on the Sunday. Accommodation at venue reserved for friends not family. So, sister and I looked at local accommodation. Cheapest was £150 plus per night per person. (£1200 total accommodation) So, we have decided to take a day unpaid from work on Friday, drive to hotel about 45 minutes away from venue for £160 total and then go to wedding, drive home through Saturday night which would mean missing final hour of the night do. The meal is a Greek gyros van and so pretty casual event. So, we sent congrats on May wedding day. Found out that it was a 60 guest event with parents/siblings, the bride's wider family and close friends. Slightly stung but no resentment because everyone should have the wedding they choose.
My sister and I told our brother of travel/accommodation plans for September and he was really angry, suggesting we can't be bothered, saying he won't have anyone to talk to, we will miss everything, we are my Nephew's only family on my brother's side who are invited etc. I feel that with the significant cost and work issues, my sister and I have really tried to do what we can to get there and honestly, if we had been SO integral to the wedding, we would have been invited to the first run. Brother is obviously steaming and dropping comments all the time about hardly seeing us, how we will miss most of the wedding. I genuinely don't think my gorgeous nephew will have a problem. He is so chilled out. But, AIBU? Should I have taken the hit financially? I work in education and so any term-time holiday just isn't possible! Daughter starts secondary school on the Monday too.

OK your bro is being a dick but I don't understand why you can afford to stop Friday night but not Saturday at the £160 accommodation? Or drive up Sat and sleep over Sat if yo u can only afford one night?

Also, what two bed, 4 sleep accommodation costs £1200 for one night with NOTHING else available locally?

So, any accommodation close to the venue is minimum of £150 per person per night, I looked as soon as the invites came out. Venue is a really rural manor house in Dorset and is a 7 hour journey from home so we definitely need to go down the day/night before. We can get a Premier Inn which is 50 minutes away for a lot less. If we were to stay to the end (11pm) my brother in law would be pretty wiped out driving through the night. Leaving at 9pm to drive home is a bit less of a strain on him and means my daughter will be okay for first day at secondary on the Monday.

I would stay at the cheaper accommodation 50 minutes away both nights. Driving through the night will be horrific.
Why would you wipe yourselves out instead of factoring in essential sleep?

Also only take a half day off work.

Well, with respect, which of the 60 guests did he talk to in May?
He'll have to spend the last two hours and the Sunday with them, milling around or talking to his own to/DW/+1?
A 7 hour drive is awful. I've done it.
And the cost seems extortionate
2 couples x 300 for 2 nights
Plus DD's first day at school is a big thing for her and she'll need to be rested
She can sleep in the car on the way back.
It is up to the driver really.
Arriving back at 4am you will need the Sunday to recover but if you did stay over at an additional cost £160 per couple in total, your BIL would be wiped out on the Sunday anyway as leaving at 2pm gets you home at 9pm not taking traffic into account. Overnight is easier. I have deliberately driven overnight that distance with one pitstop as the traffic is light.

You are going to the main day in spite of all of this so DB will have to suck it up. Xx

So, we sent congrats on May wedding day. Found out that it was a 60 guest event with parents/siblings, the bride's wider family and close friends. Slightly stung but no resentment because everyone should have the wedding they choose

So this was the May wedding you weren’t invited to despite being nephews only family who were invited? Are you the only relatives, or the only ones invited to September?

Accommodation at venue reserved for friends not family

You don’t get to complain when guests make their own arrangements that you don’t like then. Including their choices for work/school/AL.

My sister and I told our brother of travel/accommodation plans for September and he was really angry, suggesting we can't be bothered, saying he won't have anyone to talk to, we will miss everything, we are my Nephew's only family on my brother's side who are invited etc……if we had been SO integral to the wedding, we would have been invited to the first run

Is he angry and embarrassed because these were not his choices, they came from his son and wife and her family? Or is he just a nob?

Brother is obviously steaming and dropping comments all the time about hardly seeing us, how we will miss most of the wedding

He should have invited you then. In May. 🤷‍♀️

I’d be tempted to not go, cancel the hotel, save your annual leave, let your daughter have a peaceful weekend before school, and write a lovely card to the newly married couple and maybe get them a lovely christmas present instead.

If the £1200 is for two nights, how about just doing one night but it being the night after the wedding. Weird to stay night before when you then leave the event you’re travelling 7 hours for at 9pm

If you can only stay 1 night, Why not drive 7 hours leaving early Saturday
to attend event ( you dont say what time it starts), stay until 11pm and drive to the the local hotel 50 min away, then drop in Sunday to say farewells and then drive home Sunday ?

Sounds like the best option.

Event starts at 12pm - we would need to leave at 4am in the morning, with nowhere to freshen-up, get into wedding clothes before the event and if there is a traffic issue, we are scuppered!

The ‘ceremony’ at the remote stately home is just window-dressing, though, isn’t it - they’re already married. If it was so important for you to witness that, they’d have invited everyone to the moderately sized actual wedding. I’d aim to get there for the shindig, which is the real purpose of the re-run, stay that night in the cheaper hotel, see family for breakfast, then head home on the Sunday.

i mean, what’s your brother most bothered about? Seeing the family, or seeing the exchange of vows they’ve already exchanged?

Have you tried Trivago? Assuming the weekend is 4-6 Sept (guessing based on returning to school Monday) there is loads of accommodation available across Dorset for between 100-150 per room per night. Surely this would be easier, even if an hour back to a hotel Saturday night then drive fresh on Sunday rather than an awful overnight journey.

Why were you not invited to the actual important ceremony bit in May ?!

The 7 hour away sounds like a PITA due to logistics, time of year with school etc. I think for that distance I would be going to have a few days holiday down there, if that was not an option I wouldn't bother going at all.

Just send a nice card and gift.

Stay in Premier In type place Friday night. (Doesn't have to be immediately next to reception venue)
Get ready Saturday morning in wedding finery.
Put cases in the car.
Go straight to wedding
Book into accommodation near wedding.
Leave after breakfast on Sunday.(I can't see the point of hanging around).
Drive home.

We regularly do a similar distance/journey time- Bristol to greater Glasgow area- for family events and we always get away by 9am on the Sunday. I like to be home by teatime.

Is there somewhere cheap you could stay halfway the night before and then one night in the expensive place?

And all this expense your brother is demanding you go to isn’t even for a real wedding???

I’d be inclined not to go. Save you all the money, hassle, driving and annual leave. And your daughter will be bright & breezy for her first day at the big school.

To be honest I wouldn’t bother going. 7 hour drive is ridiculous.

I can see your brothers point, and I’m not sure that the 60 guest wedding day would’ve had anything to do with him?

i understand sometimes people genuinely can’t afford something but quite often they say they can’t afford it to avoid going, or just because they’d rather not spend out, so I don’t find it as a very convincing “argument”

Two weddings… I have nowt else to say.

Hi can you tell us where the event is in Dorset and we may be able to advise of suitable places near enough to venue

Fucking hell it’s not even a real wedding! I’m wondering if they’ve done it all this way to get more presents without having to host loads of people; guests rsvp no but send a nice gift/big fat cheque. Your “gorgeous nephew” might be gorgeous but he also might be dead sneaky too. Along with his bride of course…

I appreciate that finance shouldn't always come as a consideration with family weddings however I am a single working Mum, having to pay for 3 weeks kids club for daughter at end of Summer as I go back to work before she starts school, I have had to buy secondary school uniform blazers etc. and will actually be fully present for all but the final 2 hours of the night do. I do not think my brother has had any real input into any of the wedding plans, and I think the first wedding was the people closest to nephew and wife (she has big immediate family and they had 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen so lots of significant friends) and I really think my nephew will appreciate us being there for as much as we can be. I am just struggling with my brother's reaction as I feel that I am trying to participate as much as I can given distance and financial constraints.

Do you live in an area which has an airport with flights to Bournemouth, OP?

If you could get a cheap flight, that would mean avoiding the long hours of driving.

"Can't afford" doesn't have to mean "it's this or starvation". Nobody has any right to say how others should spend their money - if it doesn't fit her budget, she can't afford it. £1200 on wedding accomodations could be the difference between treats / a holiday for her daughter or none at all - that's a totally unreasonable expectation to have of someone

Of course find a way to blame the bride.

and plenty of people like to have an intimate legal ceremony and a bigger party later on. It’s hardly unusual.

Nope, no way! What ridiculous expectations people have of others, where weddings are concerned.
It’s not even the real ceremony (to which you weren't invited anyway) so your not being at the supplementary bash casts no shade on the marriage, and your brother is surely old enough to get through the do without his sister.
In your place, I’d hope to persuade my sister to keep the planned dates free, but to turn it into a weekend retreat for the pair of you, nowhere near the far distant country house rave up.
Decent hotel in a lovely town, a good dinner, and no stress (let alone a sulky if gorgeous nephew).