AIBU Over Nephew's Wedding?

[MommaGriff]

My gorgeous nephew is getting married (twice) but I have had a falling out with my brother over it. Not sure if I ABU or he is though. Nephew announced wedding last year, getting wed this year, initially registry office with 2 witnesses, with a celebration in September with guests. My sister and I were delighted with the news and received invites for her and her husband and myself and my daughter to September wedding at a large manor house about 7 hours away. 2 day event, ceremony and shindig on the Saturday for around 160 guests, then relaxed 'hangover recovery day' on the Sunday. Accommodation at venue reserved for friends not family. So, sister and I looked at local accommodation. Cheapest was £150 plus per night per person. (£1200 total accommodation) So, we have decided to take a day unpaid from work on Friday, drive to hotel about 45 minutes away from venue for £160 total and then go to wedding, drive home through Saturday night which would mean missing final hour of the night do. The meal is a Greek gyros van and so pretty casual event. So, we sent congrats on May wedding day. Found out that it was a 60 guest event with parents/siblings, the bride's wider family and close friends. Slightly stung but no resentment because everyone should have the wedding they choose.
My sister and I told our brother of travel/accommodation plans for September and he was really angry, suggesting we can't be bothered, saying he won't have anyone to talk to, we will miss everything, we are my Nephew's only family on my brother's side who are invited etc. I feel that with the significant cost and work issues, my sister and I have really tried to do what we can to get there and honestly, if we had been SO integral to the wedding, we would have been invited to the first run. Brother is obviously steaming and dropping comments all the time about hardly seeing us, how we will miss most of the wedding. I genuinely don't think my gorgeous nephew will have a problem. He is so chilled out. But, AIBU? Should I have taken the hit financially? I work in education and so any term-time holiday just isn't possible! Daughter starts secondary school on the Monday too.

Instagram celebration nails it. It's not a wedding, it's a rather naff party. Your brother is being an utter dick, stick to your guns and your boundaries and enjoy the event.

Or bow out completely and give them a marriage present and card if you haven't already and perhaps take the newlyweds out for a meal at a later date that suits you all better.

Have you all over looked the fact that the 1st Monday of usual term
time is a bank holiday this year? In England most authorities start back on Tuesday 1st September. Also I never heard of yr 7s starting on the Monday, the first day back is usually a teacher training day.

Why not stop at the hotel a 2nd night? And drive back in the morning.

Personally I think that you should put your daughter who is starting secondary school first. I wouldn't go to this, it's clearly just a party for the couples friends to get pissed, you won't even be witnessing them get married. I wouldn't put an 11 year old through a 7 hour journey the day before she starts secondary school especially for an event where you're just an afterthought.

I'll give the couple credit for being open about it being a fake wedding ceremony though.

But the point is- that’s not “I can’t afford it”. That’s “I don’t want to spend it”

which is why the I can’t afford it reasoning sounds suspect to the receiver - they likely realise this is what you mean, and that’s hurtful (which is why you didn’t tell them that in the first place)

On your AIBU: yes, your brother is being unreasonable kicking off about not being there for the last 2h.

However I still think your plans are a bit mad. It feels like you're stuck between two men being a bit pigheaded about the arrangements!

A train from Newcastle to Kings Lynn is about 4h. You could have a much more comfortable journey for all of you if you considered a night on the Saturday.

I know you didn't ask about your BIL being unreasonable, but tbh, I would be pretty unhappy at the idea of being on the road for 7h overnight with a driver who's had a long day.

It's not even "I can't afford it" - it's "we're making a weird plan to drive 7h home overnight rather than spend a lot less and travel the next day".

I wonder if it’s Monday 8th. We have some schools here where the kids don’t start until then although the teachers have gone back on an insert the previous week along with year 7s. But I agree I can’t be the week before

I would hate to be in a car 9 driving home but if you’re both happy to do the driving then your brother is being silly. Your nephew won’t care his aunts left two hours early if they’ve been there all day. Just say to your brother there was no where to stay?!

You can leave the wedding when you like but driving through the night is in no way going to prepare your dd to start secondary on Monday. Your daughter's going to be exhausted.

No adult needs days to prepare to start their routine job. Again missing a whole night's sleep so they can "prepare" the day before is insanity, when they could just prepare on the Friday. And I thought your sister had to take unpaid leave on the Friday but is now a secondary school teacher with 1st day back on the Monday?

This thread feels like bs to me. The hotel cost is bullshit as there are loads of cheapish hotels an hour east of kings Lynn. I dont believe that anyone has done a full 60 person wedding with 7 bridesmaids and groomsmen, speeches and meal and now has also planned a 2 day manor house extravaganza with only gyros van. Possibly in Sandringham because I cant think of anywhere else in Norfolk that's £600 a night 🤣

I mean the sister is having her first day back as a school teacher on the Monday allegedly, but has also taken unpaid leave on the Friday. If this is even real, the 1st day back thing is clearly bs

The OP won’t do this

Is your brother also annoyed with his other sister? The one doing the same travel arrangements as you?

And both you and your sister have identical tight budgets?

In some areas the primary and secondaries have slightly different term dates.

Unless she’s missing an inset day? But I get your point

I think your brother is BU as you are all making the effort to attend and you can leave whenever you like.

But I don't really understand the logic of your choices so I can kind of see where he is coming from.

I don't understand why you can't just stay in the cheaper accommodation both nights if you're planning to drive in any case.

And I don't understand why anyone would think than staying up all night on Saturday to do a long drive through the night is in any way a good way of setting anyone up for Monday morning. Surely it would be better to get a good night's sleep in a hotel and drive back early on Sunday morning? You would all be better rested that way and you'd still have Sunday evening to get sorted for school.

DB is being an entitled arse. I'd be v pissed off to not be invited to the not so small May event and then have him whining about your plans for the secondary wedding. You're making a huge effort to attend around a big first day for your DD. Never mind the expense of outfits, travel, gifts etc!
Tell him to give his head a wobble!

60 people with 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen is not intimate.

So OP’s been invited to the B list event. Sounds really poorly organised IMO.

Agree.
The wedding was in May and he didn't bother inviting his aunt and cousin.
60 people plus is not a smal wedding by any stretch of the imagination.

The thing with other people’s weddings is that they are exactly that. It’s the one occasion that people can organise however they want, where they want, invite who they want and exclude who they want.

The invitees can also attend or not.

I don’t understand why on MN that is a strange concept.

I am confused slightly.

Do you mean they are getting married in May then having a party in September?

It seems a lot of a faff and expense to attend a party that isn't a wedding.

DH and I got married a couple of months ahead of our big party. Tiny registry office ceremony then back to ours for some drinks (and accidentally a small party). The legal formality wasn't the point for us, the big party was. I didn't want 100+ people looking at me while I got married, but I wanted to celebrate with them all.

Luckily no one in my life is offended by the idea of being invited to a party that isn't a wedding.

I presume there were no gifts as it was basically just a party?

Ah yes… yet another detail that doesn’t quite ring true

We said no gifts (but optional donations to charities close to us) - would have done regardless. Some guests brought gifts anyway.

If I'm being charitable I think your brother was taken by surprise. He should be able to find other people to talk to or a job to do for the last couple of hours.

You could stay overnight in a Premier Inn on the Sat night, not telling your brother and start the drive home at first light - which should get you relatively quiet roads. Or even leave at 9pm drive 2-3 hours towards home and then stop overnight. Also do check the position re roadworks - driving through the night doesn't save time when the roads you want are closed for overnight roadworks. Is your brother in law the only driver? Makes more sense to be able to swap drivers on a journey that long.