AIBU Over Nephew's Wedding?

[MommaGriff]

My gorgeous nephew is getting married (twice) but I have had a falling out with my brother over it. Not sure if I ABU or he is though. Nephew announced wedding last year, getting wed this year, initially registry office with 2 witnesses, with a celebration in September with guests. My sister and I were delighted with the news and received invites for her and her husband and myself and my daughter to September wedding at a large manor house about 7 hours away. 2 day event, ceremony and shindig on the Saturday for around 160 guests, then relaxed 'hangover recovery day' on the Sunday. Accommodation at venue reserved for friends not family. So, sister and I looked at local accommodation. Cheapest was £150 plus per night per person. (£1200 total accommodation) So, we have decided to take a day unpaid from work on Friday, drive to hotel about 45 minutes away from venue for £160 total and then go to wedding, drive home through Saturday night which would mean missing final hour of the night do. The meal is a Greek gyros van and so pretty casual event. So, we sent congrats on May wedding day. Found out that it was a 60 guest event with parents/siblings, the bride's wider family and close friends. Slightly stung but no resentment because everyone should have the wedding they choose.
My sister and I told our brother of travel/accommodation plans for September and he was really angry, suggesting we can't be bothered, saying he won't have anyone to talk to, we will miss everything, we are my Nephew's only family on my brother's side who are invited etc. I feel that with the significant cost and work issues, my sister and I have really tried to do what we can to get there and honestly, if we had been SO integral to the wedding, we would have been invited to the first run. Brother is obviously steaming and dropping comments all the time about hardly seeing us, how we will miss most of the wedding. I genuinely don't think my gorgeous nephew will have a problem. He is so chilled out. But, AIBU? Should I have taken the hit financially? I work in education and so any term-time holiday just isn't possible! Daughter starts secondary school on the Monday too.

You’re basically an evening only guest so unimportant as far as they’re concerned. If they cared about you, you’d have been at the actual ceremony. I realise this is harsh but I can’t stand selfish people like this at all. Weddings should be a celebration of your love surrounded by the people you respect, love and care about. If someone isn’t good enough to be at the ceremony, they shouldn’t be invited to the after party to make up numbers. Genuinely find it insulting.

What’s worse here is they’ve decided to have what is essentially the reception months after the proper ceremony and it’s all the way down at the bottom of the country when their family are presumably based up north? A 7 hour drive is hellish plus the cost for the hotel, I just wouldn’t be bothering.

But you’re prepared to drive all through the night on Saturday after a full day arriving home at 4am?

People often get up super early for flights etc. honestly if its really only feasible to pay for 1 night only I’d rather stay on Saturday night so you can attend for the whole event.

Why weren’t you and your DS invited to the wedding in May?

What about Airbnb or something similar? There are lots of holiday parks around Dorset as well.

I’m not saying it does. But when what you’re saying is, as you suggest “I’m not coming because I don’t want to spend my
money on it” its a slightly different excuse really isn’t it?

Reread what I said: I’m blaming both of them. They both got married. With 60 guests including 7 groomsmen and 7 bridesmaids. Now they’re having a second reception. I merely suggested they might have done this to hoover up some more gifts. I’m quite a cynical person.

Either way the whole things sounds like a ball ache considering it’s just a party and not actually a wedding and I personally wouldn’t bother going. Each to their own.

an intimate legal ceremony is a few of your closest friends and family, not sixty people. I'm with others, I would say thank you for the invite but it doesn't work for me. send a nice gift/card and not go/

"Intimate ceremony" = 60 guests, including 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen!

I wouldn't be doing a 14-hour round trip for a pretend wedding for anyone, what a ridiculous waste of time.

I'm surprised that you weren't invited to the wedding itself, OP, as the groom's aunt.

I think after travelling all that way I would plan to stay for the whole of Saturday but miss the "hangover recovery day". Perhaps set off after work on Friday, or take half day leave and you wouldn't need to complete the full 7 hour drive. Book cheap accommodation for one night en route and Saturday night 45/50 minutes from wedding venue.

If you were inclined to change your plans, and I’m not saying you should but @MrsMoastyToasty idea of driving most of the way on Friday, staying somewhere cheap and then continuing the drive on Saturday morning might be a good solution

If having you there was so important, you would have been invited to the real wedding back in May.

People who choose destination weddings have to realize a lot of people aren't going to be able to make it. This isn't even a wedding, it's a faux do months after their real wedding and if they're expecting gifts, it's an open gift grab. Screw that. A 7 hour drive is a trip and it's the weekend before your kid starts school and it's going to cost you a lot of money.

Your brother is being unreasonable and bossy. I wouldn't go myself.

Do.what suits you best and don't be bullied into.debt just so your brother has someone to talk to. With 100+ guests he will.find someone. He wasn't concerned about your total absence or your exclusion in May. Are your nephew and his bride not already legally married? So this is not a wedding just another excuse for a party

Couldn't you stay somewhere 2-3h away on the Friday night, then the closer venue on Saturday?

It would break up the journey more, and give you time to arrive on Saturday am.

Or use public transport and a hire car?

plenty of people like to have an intimate legal ceremony and a bigger party later on.

Sure. In the same day or two. The reception isn't held months later and billed as a wedding.

This "intimate" wedding had 60 people and 14 attendants. That's not intimate.

They're choosing to have a party months later and billing it as a wedding. They've been married for months. If they are expecting gifts, it's a blatant and tacky gift grab. The costs the guest are expected to pay to go is ridiculous.

We call people who do shit like this gimmepigs and it's sure not the norm here.

There is no way on earth I would be taking an 11 year old child on a 14 hr minimum (what if there are delays??) road journey on the weekend before she starts secondary school.
Not a cat in hells chance.
She will be knackered.
Not a chance.
Sorry, but if your ‘laid back gorgeous nephew’ thought anything of you he would have had you both at the WEDDING which had 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen.
When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

Tell your brother to belt up and stop being such a melodramatic drama queen is my advice

You say firmly well I’ll be there for a lot more of it than I was for the first weddding and you didn’t complain then, and you can talk to all the people you talked to at the first wedding. Dd has her first day of high school on the Monday and I need her home and rested.

The fact you cant see this is not on is the most worrying thing

I would tell him to stop being ridiculous and would move on how can you not get that?

If an invite is going to cost me more than a card and an outfit I'd not be going.

Cheeky fuckers..

Where is your brother staying if the venue is reserved for friends only?

Not sure why you would go tbh after being lied to.

But Dorset is not that remote lol and is packed to the rafters with holiday lets and holiday parks, so you really shouldn’t have trouble finding somewhere to lay your heads.

We regularly do a 6hr drive north from Dorset and I would agree that the worst time to travel is a Friday afternoon/early evening or on a Saturday. We usually leave at 5am.

Also - the venue is reserved for friends??
How can you not see that’s a huge ‘fuck you’.
You wouldn’t get me there if James Bond helicoptered me in and Duran Duran were doing a set.

I think it’s completely unreasonable to book a wedding venue that is a 7 hour drive and EXPECT people to even attend. I wouldn’t make that journey for my niece or nephew. Your brother is being ridiculous.

I think most of my aunts and uncles left before the end of my wedding reception, I honestly couldn't tell you. The most important people you want there for the whole thing are your siblings, wedding party, close friends and immediate family. I don't think yabu. I'd make sure you tell the bride and groom you won't be there the Sunday though, for catering purposes and just let them know you're heading back earlier as your dd starts secondary the. Monday.