AIBU Over Nephew's Wedding?

[MommaGriff]

My gorgeous nephew is getting married (twice) but I have had a falling out with my brother over it. Not sure if I ABU or he is though. Nephew announced wedding last year, getting wed this year, initially registry office with 2 witnesses, with a celebration in September with guests. My sister and I were delighted with the news and received invites for her and her husband and myself and my daughter to September wedding at a large manor house about 7 hours away. 2 day event, ceremony and shindig on the Saturday for around 160 guests, then relaxed 'hangover recovery day' on the Sunday. Accommodation at venue reserved for friends not family. So, sister and I looked at local accommodation. Cheapest was £150 plus per night per person. (£1200 total accommodation) So, we have decided to take a day unpaid from work on Friday, drive to hotel about 45 minutes away from venue for £160 total and then go to wedding, drive home through Saturday night which would mean missing final hour of the night do. The meal is a Greek gyros van and so pretty casual event. So, we sent congrats on May wedding day. Found out that it was a 60 guest event with parents/siblings, the bride's wider family and close friends. Slightly stung but no resentment because everyone should have the wedding they choose.
My sister and I told our brother of travel/accommodation plans for September and he was really angry, suggesting we can't be bothered, saying he won't have anyone to talk to, we will miss everything, we are my Nephew's only family on my brother's side who are invited etc. I feel that with the significant cost and work issues, my sister and I have really tried to do what we can to get there and honestly, if we had been SO integral to the wedding, we would have been invited to the first run. Brother is obviously steaming and dropping comments all the time about hardly seeing us, how we will miss most of the wedding. I genuinely don't think my gorgeous nephew will have a problem. He is so chilled out. But, AIBU? Should I have taken the hit financially? I work in education and so any term-time holiday just isn't possible! Daughter starts secondary school on the Monday too.

Yep. More formal dinner/speeches were in May.

Wedding is about an hour East/South East of Kings Lynn - I do not know my counties, it is Norfolk not Dorset - I am far North East of England. Groom and Bride are in London.

What a shit show. I wouldn't go

That's brilliant then, because there are many Premier Inns in Norfolk, certainly all within a 30 min drive of each other - almost all for around a £100 a night (family room sleeps 4 at Kings Lynn is £113 on a Saturday night). You are sorted.

That is why we have booked the nearest Premier Inn the night before :)

Personally given the proper wedding with speeches etc has already happened and this is just a party I would not put my DD through such a tiring weekend just before starting school.

There will be zillions of people there, I would kindly explain to DN that you just can't get the logistics to work

sigh

i wouldnt say im upset just confused.I can never understand why people don't read a full thread (or at least read all of the OPs posts) before posting. It makes no sense

Yep, I booked it a week after the invitation came. For the night before. BIL would prefer to drive home after the wedding, avoiding traffic and get home ready for work on the Monday. I tend to agree as daughter has first ever day at secondary on Monday. My issues are not the journey, the second wedding, the May vs. September invite as always stated, I have just sought objective views as to whether I have misjudged how significant my presence is and what others may do in a similar situation. I have tried to explain to my brother that there are a lot of contributing factors which have led to the decision, some out of my control, and others where I have taken a difficult decision to prioritise the important elements when weighing up affordability.

but why drive home on saturday night - to be ready for monday?

I think that people have every right to choose not to spend out money on someone else’s wedding. And it’s a valid reason to not attend.

Yep, as much as being tired at home isn't really any different to being tired in a car, it is better to feel prepared for Monday morning for all concerned. Also, I suppose, why spend an additional £200 so we can stay to the end of the DJ set? As I am not the driver, I also don't really have the final call on when the journey happens.

You're fine to miss the last hour of the wedding (bride and groom and probably father of groom all likely to have had enough drinks in them by then to not notice too much who is still there) particularly given you don't have accomodation on site.

Yes you could have done the premier inn night before and booked a flexible premier inn room for the Sat night and looked closer to the date for reasonably priced closer accomodation - I suspect you were looking too early for some places - and then done the long drive back Sunday afternoon, but you've chosen something different as it suits you better for school and work.

Ignore your brother's rant and don't bring the May ceremony into it. Reiterate that you will be there for all but the last hour of the main day and you're sorry but due to school and the journey you need to travel back and won't be able to join in the Sunday activities but you wish nephew and bride well and are pleased you get to celebrate the main day with them.

Well, this way daughter gets to see a cousin who she really loves 'get married' and be part of something special, I get to celebrate with them and bow out when the rest of the oldies will probably be saying bye as well. There are a lot of much older folks going, I doubt they will see out the full night-do. I am excited for the day - just sad my Bro thinks I am obviously failing as an auntie!!

Maybe your DB should consider how his DS has failed as a nephew - however lovely he might be!

You are being much more charitable than I would feel in the circumstances.

No I meant - surely if you wanted to be ready for Monday that you would sleep there Saturday night and drive back on Sunday.

If someone was going somewhere for the weekend and needed to do something on Monday, would you think it was normal for them to drive home all through Saturday night? It makes no sense

The friends reserved accom but the family isn't is very telling. From experience its an instagram wedding with family as an afterthough. A shame as friends change but family is always there.

Ok I’d leave your plans as they are as you have a hotel booked to get ready in and will be home Sunday. The actual wedding in May you were not included in so this is just a party.

if he says anything else just point out you are not the driver and your daughter starts school on Monday and this is most convenient for BIL who is driving. So it’s either this or none of you can come.

You aren’t unreasonable to go whenever you like but this is the most pointless thread 😂

You started by saying you were all taking a day unpaid on Friday, then later they are both school teachers and first day back is Monday. So they’re off Friday anyway?

You said you weren’t staying 2 nights due to costs. You’ve been given multiple solutions to cut this down then say it’s because your BIL wants to drive home through the night so you don’t have a choice.

Really there was no need for advice here. You’ve got a set, inflexible plan. Is it safe for someone to do a 9pm-4am drive after being at a wedding event for 10 hours? Probably not, no, but if you’re all willing to prioritise £100 over safety that’s your choice.

I think you’ll find a lot of people think the opposite.