Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Does anyone remember that early 2000's rom-com with Jennifer Anniston "He's Just Not That Into You?" It was about how women basically fall over themselves to find complex psychological explanations for men behaving like they don't give a shit about them, and encouraging friends or acquaintances to do the same, when really they're acting like they don't give a shit because they just don't. It's not that they're "in a bad place emotionally" or "rejecting you because they're scared you're going to break up" or "they feel like they don't deserve you". They just don't like you all that much. In this case, there's not even any behaviour to de-code, he's literally written it in plain English and left it somewhere easy to find! He doesn't think OP is attractive enough for him and he thinks she's got no depth. It's horrible, but it is what it is.

So once in a blue moon, and because they’re hurt, someone does something childish, so what!

So what that he did it to her then and wrote his list...

'The start of the relationship was turbulent'

Here's your answer. Leave him. And how did he let you down at a work event? He humiliated you in some way, right?

Also, I think he meant for you to find that list. He wants to hurt you but he also wants to make you the 'bad person'. You can't confront him without telling him you "snooped".

Don't give him the dramatic confrontation that he plans to flip on you. Leave him and don't talk to him again.

😬

I would agree with this.

If I'm right, this was a list he made before you ended things with him and then he came back to you and asked to try again?

You can't unsee it, and unless you speak to him about it, it will just play on your mind. So I would explain it truthfully- I picked up the book, the page fell out, I saw my name and couldn't help but read it. I think if you had written his name on something and he found it, he would read it- and continue to, even if it wasn't very nice.

I would say that people don't always behave the way we would want or expect them to, and people aren't always very kind. And frankly, some people can be really immature about their thinking and then one day realise they were a complete twatmonkey and try and make that better.

However, you do need to be honest about how that made you feel and then you can decide how you want to continue. I think you can then make a decision about your realtionship based on the person he is being to you now, rather than the person he was when you were first together and before you broke up and got back together. I'm assuming that you got back together because he had said things would be different- so give him the chance to explain that and decide.

But don't play games. You don't need to. That's the whole point of this post isn't it? You can't berate someone for being immature and a dick and then behave like one too and justify it. If you want a grown up realtionship, you both have to have grown up conversations. People do shitty things sometimes and you have to weigh up how you want to deal with that. If he won't discuss it, or behaves badly, then you have your answer and you can know you got there with reason.

if I was being brutally honest I’d say things like unresilient / unreliable / self centred / selfish etc. there are points on his appearance I would probably think too

You didn't read his diary, you moved a notebook and a bit of paper with your name on it fell out.

HUGE difference and EVERYONE would read it.

I generally go by the 'what other people think about you is none of your business' mantra but when I tell you that list would be highlighted, underlined and all of the above you wrote added in red sharpie with a 'HAS A SMALL DICK COMPAIRED TO PREVIOUS PARTNERS' added for good measure and left on his pillow in under 30 seconds I am not exagerating!

Call me a petty bitch because I am a petty bitch but I could not and would not let this go without making it VERY clear to this man that he is also in no way perfect!

This is true sadly, I remember some of the twats I had the misfortune to live with in my house-sharing days bringing women home, sleeping with them and as soon as they left making crass jokes about how they were ugly but "any hole's a goal". Others weren't so blatantly disgusting about it but would definitely 'settle' for regular sex with a woman they didn't think much of rather than going without sex.

Op I’m not sure you can get past this. If you talk to him he’s only going to say what he now thinks you want him to hear, he was upset / not ready / didn’t mean it/ doesn’t feel that way etc but I think you’ll always have doubts.

fwiw it’s worth I think you can grow to find someone attractive even if you don’t fancy them at first. That’s happened to me. But I didn’t sleep with them at the stage when I didn’t fancy them. If that’s the case I think it’s quite a shitty thing to do if you’re potentially going into a relationship (as opposed to both having a mutually agreed casual sex arrangement). I met dp on online dating and for the first year I had a number of issues about him and I could imagine I may have written a list (I didn’t but it could be a reasonable thing to do). At no point did I think I didn’t fancy him so that would never have been on the list. If I were you I would find it hard to get past the fact that maybe he was using you for sex.

I watched that film on a plane but because of all the plane background noise I could never really hear it (I gave up watching movies on planes). I’ll have to try and watch it properly sometime.

I think keeping the mantra ‘he’s just not that into you’ in your head can be quite valuable and I could have done with it myself in my younger days (before the movie came out). It would have saved me a lot of unnecessary angst 😁

Sorry OP, he is a horrible person and you deserve someone a lot better than him.

I think you should ask him about it. It’ll be too distressing for you otherwise. Just tell him the truth . Show me the human who wouldn’t have kept reading in that context

What a horrible thing to find, sorry OP

It's one thing to have unkind thoughts (we all have those) but another thing to write them down and leave them where someone could find them. If someone has a journal, I'd expect them to keep it locked up or hidden away. I wouldn't expect pages to be torn out and left where people could find them. He was very careless with his nasty little list. Why did he keep it and not throw it away? Why did he leave it in a notebook on his bookshelf? Has he completely forgotten ever writing it?

Whatever you do, don't feel that you are in the wrong for finding and reading it. You weren't looking for it. Presumably you were helping him pack away his books, which was a kind thing to do.

It's a tough call as to what you do next but I think whether you stay and move past it, or break up with him, you need to tell him you've found it.

It seems that his feelings have changed a lot since he wrote it, and that might be enough for you. However, I suggest you think carefully about how he behaves towards not just when things are going well but also if things are going badly. If the two of you have argued, or you've messed up somehow, is he still kind to you? Is he empathetic, understanding and forgiving? Or is he disrespectful, disdainful, contemptuous and cruel?

I agree with this. That film should be mandatory viewing, frequently, until the message drops.

I couldn't forgive that. Am I fuck going to be the one someone settled for.

There's no coming back from that, it is expressed in such unkind and almost hostile terms and seems to regard as some sort of project rather than a human being who like all of us, including him, has flaws. It will always be at the back of your mind no matter what happens now and will taint things.

Then the relationship is clearly not working for either of them.

'At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor'

On purpose, for you to find. It's so obvious.

Exactly. This is the problem. He’s happy to have sex with someone he’s not attracted to and looks down on.

I was confident of him and I also understand that by age 34 it’s not always the butterfly and rainbows rush - sometimes things are harder. They got too hard so I ended it and it’s been great since

OP don't settle for less. DH and I were around 32/33 when we got together and it was very intense and loved up. And that was foundational to us lasting, I think. Yes things stop being as mad and intense over time, but you need that foundation.
Your foundation is a bad start and a list of insults - do you see yourself still in the relationship, and still happy, in 20 years time?

Agree. I feel the same, I just have high standards of whet I expect in a relationship, and I want to be with someone who ultimately feels I'm the love of their life (as I mutually think of him).

Ultimately I know that even when my partner and me have been through really tough times he would never have said he doesn't fancy me, thinks I lack depth and is not proud to be with me. He may have said the other things (eg bad with money) which I could live with but I know that he feels lucky to be with me and I feel the sane about him.

The OP deserves to feel the same.

Ha! That was my first thought too and scrolled the comments to see if anyone else's thought train went there 😁
"I do NOT have chubby ankles!" 😡😁
Julie's list - not Rachem.
"What the hell's a Rachem?!" lol

Whether or not you fancy someone can totally change. My now DH and I went away as part of a student team for 3 weeks. At the end, someone else in the group told me they thought he was interested in me. I thought very hard about what I would say if he asked me our, and concluded that no, I'd never go out with him. However, that changed over the next few months and 2 years after this decision, we got married.