Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

What's not ok is to carry on dating someone you're thinking these things about. This isn't a man who really respects women.

This is an incel-type man who thinks of a woman as a set of scores, and if the aggregate score is above 7 or whatever, she's worth dating for the sex.

So even if his "feelings have changed", that means he's rating you higher now, that's still a fundamentally icky basis to date someone. What a loser he is

Are you Ross and Rachel?

It’s also perfectly possible to not be hugely attracted to someone but then become very attracted to them.

When a relationship is in a bad place a partner’s less desirable traits become more salient, and when things are good many of them don’t even register.

For years I’ve journaled, and there were two points in my marriage where I’ve written things about dh, because i needed to clear my head, lay it all out and think. (I’m a bit smarter than your dh because my journals are virtually unreadable to others). But when I’ve read them back later, I don’t resonate with what I’ve written at all, or I know objectively that something is true but it matters so little that I cannot relate to the version of myself who wrote it.

You weren’t meant to read the list. The fact that he was careless enough that you could says a lot more about his character than that he sat down one day to evaluate a relationship that you agree was turbulent. It fell into your path, and you weren’t actively snooping down I don’t think you need to be feeling bad for reading it. It’s not like you saw a diary, and opened it for a snoop.

Talk to him about it. Or if that feels impossible, talk about it in couples therapy. This is a Pandora’s Box - it’s open now and you both have your deal with what’s been released. Don’t try and forget about it or shut it away, because those words will eat away at you.

I think the difficulty is here that I’ve essentially entered his inner world (Yes that inner world was made external when he wrote it down but still).

you’re allowed to have thoughts about people however hurtful they may be, you’re allowed to journal those thoughts to work through them. I keep a journal (albeit more about my day to day life) and would be horrified if he read it. But I’d also never leave it out to be done by accident.

I honestly just don’t know what to do. Things could have changed so significantly in a year but can you ever really change fancying someone? Why did he come back to ne and want me back when we were done?

But the list fell out @Devondigspigs and you saw your name - you weren’t exactly snooping. I do think people write lists when trying to weigh things up but yes, seeing it later would be hurtful. You could say “when I was tidying X this list fell out and unfortunately seeing my name I read it without thinking. Clearly written when we were in a bad patch - wonder how you feel now?” See what he says. If he starts blaming you and accusing you of snooping that would be off-putting for a start. I would be upset, too.

You didn’t do anything wrong so let that go. You picked up the book and paper fell out. It’s human nature to look at it and you’d straight away know what it was about and you could hardly not read it. It’s not like you went deliberately snooping through his stuff.

You have to tell him. You need to see how he reacts and you need to give him a chance to reassure you. If he can’t do that now that matters more than what he did back then.

That was how he felt then, before your break up. Unless you have some how coincidently changed all those things about yourself his "issues" remain. I imagine the only reason why they are no longer important to him is because during your break up he discovered that more appealing women weren't beating a path to his door, so in the absence of a more attractive alternative you will do.

If you think that is possible then please don't settle for this man. Find yourself one who likes you and finds you attractive.

I think this is unfortunate to say the least. Because you have seen something you never should have and learned his private thoughts that he never intended you to. We all of us go places in our own heads and think things about other people, that's part of being human with tastes and opinions. We might sometimes write these down for our eyes only, journals, diaries, pros and cons lists. But still private to us.
Its awful that you've seen this, because I think its almost impossible to come back from.
I think a conversation where you tell him you've seen it and he tells you he's completely changed his mind might help, but I'm not optimistic as what you've read will scar you and impact your confidence going forward.

I think this too. I just don’t think you will ever be able to feel safe in the relationship again.

What strikes me is the extreme contempt if some of his points. I don’t think he has changed, don’t think a person just forgets those beliefs. And those beliefs about you are toxic.

If you want to discuss it I wouldn’t let the stuff about “it was a journal “ etc.. stop you. Just hold it up and say you found it and want to talk about it.

Be honest. The list fell out? You didn't know it was a diary...? You need to have an honest conversation with him so be honest with yourself too. You are a year into your relationship. It's a good time to reflect on how things are doing and where you are going. Then trust your gut about his level of love and enthusiasm based on this conversation, not on a list written when he and the relationship were in a bad place.

Tbh, your relationship shouldn't have been that difficult right at the start and you're only a year in.
If it were me it'd always be niggling at the back of my mind. Are you that confident of him, as it doesn't really sound like it.

Would you ever write things down like this OP? It reads like over-thinking to a creepy degree, if you ask me. It's peculiar and a bit unnerving. Makes you wonder what other 'notes' he has kept stashed over the years. Also it shows a sly and quite nasty side to his character. I couldn't get past this, personally. Urggh. Definitely confront him. You can do better. Most people don't do this kind of thing. It's strange and kind of unnerving.

Sorry but I could only ever be with someone who adored me, anything else isn’t worth it.

as difficult as this maybe - if your relationship has any future you have to practise open and honest communication or what sort of relationship will you have? you didn't seek out the paper - show it to him and ask to talk about it ... pause and let him do all the talking don't ask questions

He's not the one for you. And you are certainly not the one for him. This is a rebound relationship. I also think you need to have more self respect. Why would you even consider staying with him now you know what he really thinks about you.

Have a chat with him. If things have been great since. Sounds like he wrote it in anger/alcohol

I think you need to tell him. I’m not sure I could get over some of those comments.

That’s what this reminds me of too. She’s not Rachum?!

"The start of the relationship was turbulent" - that doesn't bode well.

He didn’t though did he? It was tucked inside a book on his bookcase and it dropped out when you were moving the books.

Yes Queen! This is the dramatic shit I live for.

1. I’m considering staying because this was something written over a year ago. I agree I probably was a rebound, hence why I originally broke up with him and truly believed that would be the end. There was a lot of work from his side to get back together. If the list was written last week, I’d be gone.

2. he is someone who I know needs emotional connection to have attraction

3. I was confident of him and I also understand that by age 34 it’s not always the butterfly and rainbows rush - sometimes things are harder. They got too hard so I ended it and it’s been great since

Why did he come back to ne and want me back when we were done?

Because he didn't like being single. He wanted the comfort and convenience of having a girlfriend, along with the regular sex.
But you are not "the one" for him. You are just the "for now" girlfriend.

Dump him before he dumps you further down the line, or has an affair.
Or decide that he is equally your "for now" boyfriend and you would rather carry on the relationship with him at the moment than be single.
The choice is yours.

Never mind how you saw or, or whether it was wrong to read his diary, or whether it was just passing thoughts on a bad day on his part.

The real question is, can you get past what he wrote about you?