Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Agree, guys can have sex with women they're not that attracted to, just have sex. I have close male friends and trust me, some of the things they've done to get laid in the past are really not very nice.

Sorry but this reminds me of Friends! Didn't think people would write stuff like this down, especially on paper, these days.
If you were happy until you read this, let it go. People change their opinions. Sometimes they enter a relationship thinking it's just a fling, I'll never marry them because (list of stupid things) then fall in love and realise the petty things don't bother them any more.
If you weren't happy before reading, that's an issue and you need to talk.
Btw 16 is the average size now, not 12, though sizes aren't that meaningful in terms of health.

But OP was already in a relationship with this man when he wrote that list. I think that's quite different to your first impressions of someone changing over time.

How are you in the wrong if you were helping with a clear out and it fell out of a book? You have to talk to him so don't take any shit over how you found out. If he can articulate, without prompts, that he was focusing on you but later realised the problem all along was him and he, again unprompted, communicates that he utterly adores you and finds you gorgeous I would probably proceed with caution. Any defensiveness or justification and I'd be off like a shot. If you stay he's going to have to work hard to reassure you and if you find he can't then, again, get out sooner rather than later. Hopefully, he might have grown up in the last year or so but sooo many men are absolute plonkers, I'm afraid.

I wouldn’t confront, I’d just end it. Sorry OP but it’s obvious that on some basic level he doesn’t like you, or he wouldn’t have felt the need to write it down in black and white. That won’t change, and to be honest OP some of the things he’s written come across as him being an entitled twat, and a big waving red flag for control issues. He clearly has an idea in his head of the woman he wants to be with and for whatever reason you’re not it, and the worry is that he would constantly be trying to change you to make you more like his ideal. Nope. You deserve better.

It doesn't matter if it fell out or you went hunting for it. It exists. And it's horrible. Honestly why would you stay with someone who can:

A. Be so horribly critical of someone he's supposed to love
B. Lie about it and be so two faced. Maybe it'd be salvageable if he'd openly admitted doubts and chatted them through. But he's clearly not got the balls.

With the greatest of respect, if you don't leave him it'll just be a waiting game until he leaves you. Might take a while as he doesn't exactly sound like a catch, but I'd bet he'd be off at the first whiff of interest from another woman.

He's in this relationship because it convenient and familiar. And that's a poor reflection on him, not you. You deserve better.

If you want to try to save the relationship, you need to speak to him honestly about this. Not play games, and DONT apologise for reading it. It fell out when you were tidying up & had your name on it!

If he is apologetic & you believe him, then maybe in time it will become a joke between you.

now, my issue is what do I do?
The awful start should have been a red flag, but you decided to ignore it and proceed with the relationship. General rule of thumb is: if a relationship starts off badly, it's likely not going to get any better years down the line.

On top of that, you have now found a list that clearly shows that this man doesn't love you, respect you, and actually is really unsure about you. I'm not sure why you're confused about what your next step should be...it seems pretty clear to me that this isn't the man for you.

I know it's awkward because it lays you open to angry accusations of snooping (not that you really were) but imo you have to discuss this openly with him. If it blows up into a huge row and the relationship is irretrievably damaged as a result then I think you're no worse off really, because unless how he felt then gets unpacked and discussed maturely in terms of how things have changed and why, then I don't think you're ever really going to be able to trust that his feelings are genuine, and it's all going to be downhill from there. Sorry, OP, you must feel rubbish. I hope it works out.

I accidentally found a similar list written by my ex once, not focussed on appearance but basically setting out his doubts on the relationship. It was written during a tough period for him personally and the relationship in general and I found it 6 months later when things were better. I never told him and despite the massive red flags I continued the relationship as we’d just moved in together, didn’t want to throw it away after investing so much. We ended up staying together for another 5 years, but looking back when it all blew up, I shouldn’t have ignored the list. Neither of us was right for the other and the signs were there from the early days.

Hmm. The list was written months ago, not that long after you got back together, relatively newly into the relationship. That he is still with you would indicate that as he has come to know you he has become more connected with you such that you are likely more attractive to him and much of that list is probably no longer relevant and he likely doesn't feel any of those things any more. If it helps my friends partner wrote a pros and cons list about her to decide whether or not to dump her a few months into their relationship. Sounds awful but he is autistic and honestly he isn't an arsehole its just how his brain works - its analytical and it is his way of figuring stuff out which may seem harsh but it's not intended to be it is just his way of decision making and figuring out what he values and his feelings. As a fellow autistic I get it! We over analyse everythign and we can be quite blunt! He wrote that list and yet a few years later he has asked her to marry him. He is totally in love with her! The thing is if you had never seen the list would you feel anything was wrong? And if you wouldn't then disregard it. It wasn't written last week. It was written over 8 months ago and your relationship is in a different place now and he will value you in a completely different way. You weren't intended to see it and in all likelyhood he has totally forgotten it exists.

It's a diary. You should see the things I wrote in mine about my late DH, who I loved and was very happy with and miss horrendously (and I still write negative things about him now). Diaries are not (usually) meant to be read by other people whom the diarist currently knows - often they are intended to be read after the death of the diarist, but that's another thing altogether - so OP should not have opened this notebook. Since dairies are daily things often they contain what might be called venting (as mine does) and it's written and done. Also many people make a list of cons (and pros) about possible partners. Some are conscientious diarists who will keep such lists, some are occasional diarists who forget they've done it and some don't think such a list matters - OP will know which of those her P is but I would not confront him, personally.
That said, I found a letter from my ex to his DB saying he favoured open marriages. When confronted (but the marriage was already over) he said he had changed his mind - he had, he meant that an open marriage was for him not me - and took the letter away (and possibly destroyed it). We divorced, but as I said the marriage was already done.

OP says she is happy in the relationship and all seems well. Just shove the diary with the other books. OP's DP may realise it has been read, however, which may change the dynamics of the relationship.

What's the point in confronting him about it? He will just try to placate you and say that his feelings have changed since then. You will never be sure what his true feelings are because he has lied to you in the past, so he can lie to you again.

I wouldn't be able to get past that he wrote down the list and kept it in the first place. That is strange. The nail in the coffin would be that he didn't fancy you but still had sex with you. Are you absolutely sure he fancies you now?

this is exactly my point - I don’t know if I can move past it honestly but don’t know what my next steps should be when I know what he will say about it

Completely agree. You have to discuss this with him. And you're not in the wrong for reading a diary if it is a loose page that just fell out, you can't help seeing that.

He is also autistic - and to be clear on timelines the list is from before we broke up and got back together

I’ve said multiple times I broke up with him when it was bad

I would forget about it because I like that he has books and writes things down. He is obviously a thinker.

But seriously, if things are good between you now and have been for a while, put it all to one side. In fact, bury it and never bring it up and run the risk of being accused of snooping.

Thank you for this - to confirm, I have no idea if I’m going to be able to get past it, I am aware relationships shouldn’t be hard and when it was, I broke it off. It hasn’t been hard since hence why I don’t know what to do

@Devondigspigs "do you never fancy someone you initially don’t fancy?"

It's happened to me at least three times, that I've not fancied a man at all, then changed my mind and ended up really fancying them. It's all in the mind, much less to do with physical appearance.

The OP says they have been together for a year and he makes a lot of effort to make her happy. The "he's just not that into you" applies to trying to invent justifications for shit behaviour. But the shit behaviour was before and the OP ended things. The OP has said for a year it has been amazing, "everything she could ask for." That warrants an honest conversation and for the OP to work out from there whether she can continue to be in a relationship with this man or not. OP, you owe it to yourself to make sure you a really certain of being valued and loved in this relationship and of having the same future goals in mind. If in doubt, get out.

What a horrible thing to find 😞

Firstly: can you try to let go of any shame and guilt you feel about how you found it: you didn't deliberately go snooping, you were helping him and it accidentally fell out of the notebook. I think most people would have read it if they were in your shoes.

If it were me, I think I would find it v difficult (impossible) to just forget about it and move on.

Do you think you can? Do you want to?

No right or wrong here.

I think pp are being a bit harsh on him: everyone has fleeting thoughts about others which aren't kind or nice or charitable. I see your point about him quantifying you: written down it probably does read like that, but we don't know his motive for writing it or how he felt about it afterwards.

You ask:
could this have been written in a moment of his own personal turmoil, and the last year is indicative of a feelings change?
or, do you never fancy someone you initially don’t fancy?

Personally I think, yes it could and attraction to someone absolutely can change - I've experienced that in both directions.

I think it would be fine to explain to him how you found it, say you've read it & ask him those questions. It might not be an easy conversation, and he might well say what you expect him to say. But perhaps the way in which he says it might give you some clues as to how he feels now. I know it's not a perfect solution, but to me it seems better than the alternatives. I might be wrong though!

Keep us posted x