Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Also, Lindsey Hall’s article is all about how her partner had an issue with her body because of her anorexia

the list wasn’t just limited to body
it covered more personal character “flaws” too

Sounds as if he doesn't like you.

Sorry, if something is that problematic at the start, someone doesn't even bother to tell me they're not going to show up at an important event for me, it's turbulent, I find a list of what they don't like about me, ESPECIALLY about not fancying me.... regardless of the bloody date, I'd tell him to go F himself, take my shit and walk.

Self-respect. Always.

Looks like the basic story has been lifted from this article from July, even using some of the same wording: ‘…I’m just not proud of her.’

I thought my relationship was perfect but then I discovered what my partner REALLY thought about me and my body. So many men are now doing the same thing... this is how to find out what YOUR husband thinks about you: LINDSEY HALL | Daily Mail Online

no, this is genuinely just a coincidence (not sure how I can prove that) but I have found her original blog on this and read it as it is very similar. I almost wish my situation was this as it might have offered more insight!

Well true or not, you have 2 choices.
Stay or leave. Decide.

That was my first thought too! 😄

OP, I feel for you away on a trip and this whirling around in your head.

Whether he is autistic are not, he doesn't sound like a nice decent man.
At his private core he reads as dishonest and quite ugly.
Certainly he seems to have hidden this from you.

What he has written is quite vicious and hard to believe he has done a full 360 turn on something so detailed.

I would be hugely concerned that you are a convenience for him.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you run.

I could tell you a dozen stories from the last decade of seemingly devoted guys who turned out to have been biding their time until they met "the one".

Including moving in with women which at least 6 did.
They had zero issues moving in with their girlfriends and sharing costs, whilst they saved, and had the home comforts.

All fine until for a year or two in and they met the one, and were gone and engaged in a flash.

I think you deserve so much better than this sneaky arsehole, whom may or may not be autistic.
I wouldn't expect the truth from him.
I would expect him to say anything that suits him at this time.

Wishing you well.

I totally agree.

I think that this may be partly due to women having a fixed time to have children and men's are unlimited.

To us, we can't waste time with somebody out of convenience past a certain point, there's no time.
Men can.

A lot of women just do not appreciate this.
Oh he must love you if he's there, 'get over it hun', attitude . Not necessarily.

Obviously I realise not all women want children, and obviously most men don't want to wait till they're 70 to reproduce (if they wish to) but it's a generalisation that holds up.
That is they can afford to waste more time.

I will also say that these men may not be consciously thinking these things, it's just part of what makes them behave as they do.

You poor thing @Devondigspigs
Are you any closer to coming to a decision?

Totally agree.
When you are older you hear these stories over the years from friends.

You hear about nice bright women being used as a convenience, especially if they are kind.
Men are invariably about their own comfort and what suits them.

A really nice woman is just fine to pass the time with as they keep an eye out for "the one".

All the better if they share the costs of a home, even buying a home in several cases, building equity whilst the are still looking out for the one, putting having children on the long finger because they are not quite ready.

But in so many cases then suddenly ending things, and are with someone new, married and pregnant 6-12 months later.
Having wasted years of a woman they merely settled with until she was no more of use.

I don’t think this particular man is interested in using the Op for moving in together or anything like that. Rather, I get the impression he’s quite happy living by himself in a long distance relationship with someone who travels for work

Thank you @Scorchio84

It’s strange. I still have times when I think “was he right? Was I a low value person/wife? (I was his second). WAS I a burden… not “worth the effort (he) gave?”

Sadly, over the years, I was also contending with his adult daughter who showed her displeasure at him marrying me, by not speaking to him for 4 yrs (and to me for 6 yrs). It was crushing but, I see now it’s how he and “his” operated. Strop. Threaten. Silence. Ignore. The ultimate punishment for a person who just wanted to fit in, to be welcomed.

A recent conversation between my sister and my Ex put things into perspective. He told her “All she had to do was come to me and say “I f**ked up”. In other words… apologise… seek his forgiveness. Unfortunately, I’d spent our entire marriage doing just that (over the smallest offences). It was the first, last and only time I didn’t go to him for benediction.

Says it all really. Still breaks my heart.

I’ve just made an offer that’s been accepted on a really beautiful old property. For the first time in a very long time, I will have my own home. It will be beautiful and no one can ever threaten me with losing everything again. I’m very good at making a house a home.

@Scorchio84 I hope you come through to “the other side”, safely 💐

@MyFairLady22 you poor woman.
That is some horror story of emotional abuse.

From his conversation with your sister, was he unhappy that you in effect said enough, lets divorce?

I think he felt it was OK to threaten divorce and have me in a permanent state if “what can I do to make this all go away?” It was easier for me, after up to a week of “Coventry” and watching him speak to everyone but me (including the cat/dog 😐) to just apologise. He told me I’d caused a hugely compromised relationship with his daughter. He couldn’t see she was doing to him, what he did to me.

He was a good man in many ways but had to be in control. Told me I was absolutely the love of his life and then wrote his pros and cons list. I never knew whether I was coming or going. Never felt safe.

Only the OP knows what she will do but personally, I don’t think relationships belong in a spreadsheet. If you don’t have emotional intelligence, emotional capacity… stay single.

Leave him now. When people love you, they don’t write a list of all your faults - they just don’t! Someone who loves you is meant to lift you up. Be proud of you, want to show you off, doesn’t care whether you’re a size 12 (which by the way is way below average).

Honestly who writes lists like this anyway? This is the behaviour of an adolescent not a grown man.

There’s a reason you read that list - rightly or wrongly - it was meant to happen. I think this is your cue to leave him and find somebody who deserves you - a grown-up, preferably.

Goodness this would really hurt. I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself bursting in to tears so impressive that you were able to carry on without him sensing any problem.

Have you discussed with him?

not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

I am speechless. This isn’t a con list. This is an assassination of your entire being