Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Do you see a future with him? It is clear you are not the love of his life. Is your self esteem strong?

I’d say ‘I found the list that you made about me. I’m not sure I can get past it.’ And then listen to how he responds.

I definitely suggest discussing it but I am pretty sure he will say what he needs to, to keep you placated while he does not have a new partner lined up.

I’m always pro discussing problems but it seems you have been trying very hard to make it work already. It shouldn’t be this much work. I’d leave because you haven’t even been together through bad times or for very long.

Of course the issue doesn't lie with him or your relationship but with your being bothered by the list. You know yourself - you're critical of yourself, saying you're emotionally wrought, and finding a list like that probably doesn't help, but you also seem to be saying you wouldn't be satisfied by his reaction.

You have to decide whether to ignore it now that things are good or bring it up because you know you can't leave it be.

I agree with this. Just talk to him about it. No silly games. How the conversation goes, how open and honest both of you are, and how well you communicate about something difficult is far more important than some list written in possibly an uncharitable moment. Given this was written when you broke it off with him last summer, he might have been trying to convince himself of these things rather than believing them. Anyway, good luck.

This is so spiteful. You have no idea if that is the case, he could have grown to adore everything about the OP for all you know

There is nothing irrational about wanting to leave someone you found out didn’t fancy you and thought you were shallow. Seems more irrational to stay.

Why some posters are so bent out of shape about other posters who would not want to stay in such a relationship is anyone’s guess. My mentality is fine, never had a problem with my mental state - I would not want to stay with him knowing he thought those things. If he had voluntarily said to me ‘hey Bunny I must confess I thought you were going to be a bit of an airhead when I first met you, but I couldn’t have been more wrong’ then I could get over that - but this guy hasn’t said it to OP has he!

But that’s typically when they are strangers. Not somebody they are currently in a relationship with.

Just to add, sometimes in psychotherapy you can have a Freudian slip, where you say what you really mean by mistake. Same goes for things you mistakenly leave to be found. He may be too cowardly to break it off himself.

I keep a diary and write things like this all the time that I look back on and feel differently about with time. I'd say he was probably using it as a distancing strategy to prepare himself for the inevitable breakup, rather than anything nasty.

What a strange comment.

You seem to already know that you're going to stay with him. You've offered lots of possible justifications/excuses for his behaviour. It makes me wonder why you started the thread really, unless you were hoping to get lots of responses saying "he obviously didn't mean it so just put the note back, don't mention it and try to forget about it". I get the feeling that's what you'd like to do but I could be wrong.

You've completely misconstrued my post.

If she wants to break up with him over that list that is fine. Some people couldn't get past it.

What I meant about the mental health of some people on this site is deliberately winding the op up and goading her and telling her to engage in stupid revenge games.

Telling her to write her own list and leave it lying out, order to find his personal diaries and read them....WTAF.

These people clearly have an agenda and it is their own amusement, they want the op to come back.And tell them she's done it just so they can have a vicarious, laugh at her expense.

That's what I meant about mental health.And the mental health of women who would do things like this, reading diaries and writing revenge lists well, I hope it isn't indicative of women in the UK. I would hope that most grown up.Adult women would be able to have a conversation without descending it into tip for tat and revenge games.

Another adult decision would be to choose to break up immediately without playing these silly games.

Ok.

I would not tell him I had seen the list, but I would keep a look out for evidence that he still feels the same way. He might genuinely feel differently now, but IME issues very rarely go away.

Proceed with caution

I dis this when I split with my ex. I was heartbroken and wrote a list of his bad points to help me move on.

Sorry I’d have to confront him but you do realise he’s going to say he wrote it at a bad time in your lives so what then ? The thing I can’t get past is why he has kept it and not destroyed it especially as it was in such a public place ?

I can't imagine a scenario in which I'd stay with someone who wasn't sure if they respected me, to the extent that they thought about it and added it to a list. Love across the ages, real love, doesn't mean less respect, care and thoughfulness as we get older. I know a couple who got together in their mid to late 50s. They're a beautiful couple, I can see that he respects her in his behaviour.

If I was in your position I'd step away from the potential drama. Leave it out for him to see that you've seen it, maybe with a note to say you're happy to talk about it if he particularly wants to, but that in the meantime you're taking some time to have a think. Go away for a few days to clear your head. You can decide your next steps on your own.

I took that comment as aimed at the "write a fake list of mean things about him and leave it where he will find it."

Which would achieve precisely nothing other than scratch a vengeful itch to hurt him. If anything it would likely end the relationship, but with him feeling the wounded party.

You are wrong. I said I would also write a list. I am not living vicariously through anyone, I couldn’t be happier in my life as it currently is. What does sadden me (because I’ve been there) is how many women stay with men who don’t value them. As I said in my previous post, he could tell OP how much he loves and values her now and how much his feelings have grown from uncertainty to certainty, but he hasn’t.

Sorry but men can still have sex with women then don't like or fancy purely for the act in itself

I mean it’s one thing to think resentful thoughts about a person when you’re going through a bad patch, but a whole other thing to actually write these things down.
I would feel so hurt by all the things alluding to appearance and ‘not having depth’. Who does he think he is? Deep down he obviously thinks he’s better than you and that you aren’t worthy of his greatness. What an arrogant arse.
He doesn’t like you, let alone love you.
If you’re such a disappointment to him then he should jog on.
I would 100% end a relationship over this.

We can agree to differ, but I think writing your own list is tit for tat childish behaviour.

If writing a list about someone's cons is so egregious, why would you do it back? You can't kind of lose the moral high ground in doing so.

I Like being able to say in an argument Ive never done that to you.