Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Dont read his fucking diary.

Seriously, what is wrong with all of you.

There’s a big couple of “cons” on the list for this man:
Too much effort
Not worth it.

Honestly.

Not saying I wouldn't find those hard to get past, especially "not proud of her" - but I have a friend who had to deal with not feeling proud of her new boyfriend for a while. The context was that she had a very arty, literary social circle and he had an extremely dull corporate job. She'd always imagined herself with a fellow writer. Whenever she introduced him to her friends there was always a brief silence after he said what he did and then someone would change the subject because no one had anything to say about corporate middle management.

Anyway that was how she felt but she recognised it was her issue to get past and talking to her friends (including me) about it helped her do so. They're still together a decade on.

You can’t un-see this, so you need to deal with it one way or another. That you shouldn’t have been looking through it is somewhat of a moot point now- you did and now you have to decide how to move forward with your relationship. I’d say the fact you read something private is something of a footnote, really.

Unlike some posters, I can’t advise you to play childish or vindictive games. It’s just so very stupid and shallow. If you can’t forgive this (and that would be understandable), then you should end the relationship and move on, with your dignity intact. Playing games won’t help you feel better, you’ll still be hurt and he probably will just shrug it off as a nonsense attempt at petty revenge. Or be hurt too- but neither of those scenarios help you at all. So why expend the useless emotional energy? And, if you are a sensible person, you probably will regret it in the end because it diminishes you. You can’t look back and say you acted with complete integrity.

If you want to try and work it out, then tell him what you found and how it has made you feel, see if he can explain what was going on in his head and decide whether what he has to say is something you can accept and forgive. If not, again you move on. If you feel that this is something you can work on, after talking it through, then concentrate on that,

On the other hand, I think the mitigation is that it was clearly in some sort of journal/diary, which was not meant for anyone else to see. I think some people do write things to help them work through their thoughts and feelings. I think many of us would not want our innermost thoughts and feelings to be available for others to see- I know I have thought things that I’d be horrified if others knew (as they aren’t nice/are pretty mean/unfair/inaccurate/biased/I’ve had a horrible day). I imagine this is the written form of that. But the issue is now you have seen it, so you can’t pretend you didn’t.

I think you really need to tell him what you found and talk it through- I think a lot of posters like the drama of screaming to leave LTB etc, but in real life, where you have a relationship you value, I think the sensible approach is to talk to your partner before doing anything. I’m not saying you shouldn’t end your relationship- only you can decide whether the relationship is good enough to want to work though this problem and/or whether it’s something you can move past. Personally, I think my biggest stumbling block is that I’d always be worried in the back of my mind that he has settled for me and if someone “better” came along, he’d be off in a flash. But that might not be the case for you.

This. I’m sick of all the posters who pile in saying LTB, he obviously doesn’t respect you etc. Are their lives so crap that they want to encourage others to ruin their own rather than actually have an adult conversation with their partner?

Im not especially proud of the route my partner has taken with his working life and i think he could achieve so much more if he put more effort in.

But he wants the lazy, quiet life, which means he'll never really progress.

But it's his life, though, financially, we're ok and it wouldn't be something I'd break up with him over, but I do think he could do better and put more effort into it.

Okay so the next point is:

• I know what he will say if I bring it up with him. He will say it was a rough time, he was in a terrible headspace, things have changed in the last year significantly.
• for the last year, it hasn’t been a hard or bad relationship. At the start it was, there was a litany of things, not big but just indicative of his headspace. That’s why I ended it. After we broke up, things significantly changed and all of those issues were no longer issues. The relationship at present feels easy, loving, has a future, we support each other etc.

I'm gonna come in the other side. I am not DHs "type" I am not the most attractive, I'm not that feminine, I don't have big boobs. A short way into our relationship he left me for someone who was physically everything he could dream of. A month later he came and asked me to try again.

What he realised was that someones physical appearance is so inconsequential, someone can be a glamour model but if they're an arsehole you're not attracted to them and you don't enjoy life with them. DH is very attracted to me, not because I am attractive physically, but because our sex life is great, our chemistry is great and even in our hardest times we somehow give eachother the energy to desire one another.

So yeah, DH didn't think I was stunning when he met me, but that doesn't mean our relationship isn't amazing. You should talk to him about it. The main thing is how he treats you when you raise this.

No I absolutely do not “weigh up decisions” about the man I am dating in a similar way because I don’t date out of desperation to avoid being single.

The reality is OP is a placeholder.

What? It happens all the time. Every day I read a MN post from someone who didn't fancy their DH at first but the attraction grew.

It hasn't happened to me - I'm not someone who needs an emotional connection for attraction to grow - but it's obviously a common thing.

Also hate to lay this out so crassly but we have and always have had an extremely active sex life, with mutual initiation etc. there hasn’t been any physical indications he doesn’t fancy me

I actually worry about the mentality and mental health of a lot of people who have posted on this thread.

They are clearly chomping at the bit for revenge that they can live vicariously through this op. Are their lives that boring, they need this entertainment.

Telling her to write her own list and read his diaries - for god sake how old are they.

He doesn’t fancy you, doesn’t respect you, and has alluded to the fact he thinks you’re simple. Don’t prove him right by staying. Bin him - he’s a bellend!

Don’t throw away a happy relationship then. Haven’t you seen Bridget Jones Diary? “Everyone knows Diaries are full of crap”

Yep...with his next to yours!

Stop making excuses and trying to justify this. I would find that list unforgivable. Fried hair and strange posture, what the hell! If he didn’t fancy you when he first met you, he doesn’t fancy you now. Raise your bar.

If you hadn’t read it, would you think he treats you in a way where any of those points are valid? Now it’s in your head, can you brush it off and forget about it?

The issue is that each time there’s a minor slight you’ll likely think of this stupid bloody list. There’s not much upside in mentioning it to him imo as he’ll either go defensive (fair) or ott reassurance (understandable). The best thing you could do is forget about it and consider the current reality.

Agreed. I hope they aren’t representative of UK women in general

Oh please don't do this sort of thing OP.

Just tell him you saw the list and find it hard to move past.

There is a real motif on MN that hitting back solves things.

Could it have been written after you broke it off with him? I wrote a similar list after my ex dumped me as I was utterly heartbroken and I was trying to make myself hate him in an effort to get over him (if that makes sense!). I was deliberately nasty and petty (in my defence, he broke it off with me in a particularly brutal manner!) but I didn't really mean a lot of it. I agree with everyone saying that you need to talk to him about it or it will keep eating away at you.

It sounds like you've made up your mind then, good luck 💐

(I know that sounds passive aggressive but it honestly isn't, words fall flat sometimes!)

Op was there no pros list !
Some things are really hurtful and if you don't fancy someone at least to begin with how can you be intimate ? They are also pretty in depth critques like can't be proud of you ??

This might be right and it might not be. But it's important for him to see how this made you feel and what he's prepared to do or say about your feelings to make you feel better and willing to carry on.

The question is not really 'what the fuck were you thinking when you wrote this' (though I'd certainly want to know) but 'is what you say and do now going to convince me you want to be in this relationship and fancy/love/respect me?' because that's the point isn't it, how YOU feel about continuing now, not how he can explain away his thinking at that time.