Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I probably couldn't get over that..you'd have to find him amazing in some other way and I just can't imagine it.Sorry OP. You'll have to have a proper talk about it with him
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You are wasting your time explaining things over and over to complete strangers. You need to sit down, tell him you found the list and read it. Ask him if he still holds the same views. Tell him how it has made you feel. You know, actually speak to him about it.

For what it's worth, my husband has several very annoying characteristics, as do I. We love each other so ignore them (for the most part) as the good outweighs the bad.

There was - it WAS the last line!

You have to click on 'show more' to see the full quote.

oh goodness I have been thick!!! I didn’t scroll down!!

People come to aibu to ask complete strangers for their take on their situation. A lot of the time it's is be cause their dh is being a shit.

The person who has upset them has done something that the person replying considers to be heinous and beyond the pale.
They think 'why are they (the OP) putting up with this?'.
They, as politely as they can, say the reasons why they think the OP may be accepting that behaviour.

Oftentimes, though, the OP fixates on the well-meaning but blunt posters who do not tell her what she wants to hear instead of discussing the situation with the dh who caused the issue.

Effectively, the posters who disagree become some kind of scapegoat.

what are you actually suggesting the Op do? I’m not clear.

I agree that this relationship seems to have no legs and concerning that 9 days later the Op still hasn’t felt like she can communicate with him - but I’m not clear really what you’re suggesting the Op do

Lovely comment.
Yes I agree but I think his actions are beyond the pale.

Break up with him.
What else would I say? I think his actions are beyond the pale. I've been consistent.

If two people aren't married, no children, no property, not cohabiting and they're putting up with what I consider to be really awful behaviour you tend to think this man has some kind of hold over this woman.

It's not unreasonable to think that hold may be a sexual one in a romantic relationship.
Maybe I could have put it better. That's true, perhaps.

I'm not horrible I would never think or say this about a woman who had genuine obstacles in her path to leave.

But when they don't?

Oh right… loads of us have said we think the Op should end it. Again.

Never said I wasn’t going to leave him, not once at any point. Very empowering to pathologies saying im desperate for sex though? I feel like you’ve been hurt by a man in the past, but all (specifically your ) comments her smack of thinking you’re a pick me cool type who shits on other people to make you feel better about your own situation . Unnecessary even on an anonymous forum and not too different from the very subject of the thread.

i haven’t spoken to him yet as i am out of the country