Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Is your age a factor - ie from a having children point of view? Ask yourself honestly, what would you do if you were 24 rather than 34?

Well nothing wrong with staying for sex. Actually can be quite foun for both of you bearing in mind that you will live separate. Lots of women like that kind if arrangement and it works.
Its almost impossible to find mr right as men are like babies

But what happened ached you found it? You were at his house? Did he notice how upset you presumably were?

Have you ever been on holiday with him? I know that sounds daft question but I have a hunch - no.

Exactly
as long as both parties know it’s a FWB scenario… go for it

This is the last time I am replying to you.

Thank goodness for that.
Being a scapegoat's no fun.

OP maybe it's time to stop asking people on here and the endless back and forth of counter arguments and justifications and just speak to him and decide whether how you feel about him and how he responds is good enough for you and your future or not.

You'll never get entirely inside his head and it could well be that he will never like hair extensions or spending the way he doesn't or whatever other things he disliked or continues to dislike, but nobody here can tell you that.

Majority think he's not worth it but some say he is. Only you can decide. If there were a fairy godmother to tell us what's going on in another person's brain, then she'd be a very busy person! You'll have to decide without all the noise on here as to whether he's a good bet for the future.

If you decide he is, then give it 1 to 2 more years of really getting to know him before you make further commitments. Time reveals character as a general rule. Way too early to make big future commitments.

And really, you should be having fun. It shouldn't be this hard. Get out of your head and off here and go have a laugh somewhere. Forget about him for a while 🙂

Yes. Not sure why that’s relevant though

Isn't that the entire point of the thread? As in, does he still think those things? Can I get past it etc. Relevance? At this point you're going around in circles. Just do it. You keep wondering and speculating. Surely several hundred posts later you have an idea!

I thought the same but then I thought she might be replying to the poster who asked if they had been on holiday together.

@Devondigspigs I think maybe it would be more worth your time ignoring posters that you are not finding to be helpful, and respond to people who you think are asking more pertinent questions.

Almost 10 days since this happened and…. Tumbleweed between the two of you?

All this!

34, no dependents, good job with international travel…. But tied up in knots about a relationship that hid the skids in the first few weeks, broke up, got back together again, you find a horrifying note tearing you apart both physically and in terms of your character.
And when you find it, you grit your teeth and hide from him how devastated you are, and now 10 days later trying to analyse how he feels?

Please @Devondigspigs , woman up. You are worth more than this

Because she's overseas for work just now and if she has a conversation about it, wants it to be face-to-face.

but he was there when she found the note. In his house.

Has the Op confirmed when they will next be getting together? Or is this thread going to rumble on indefinitely?

OP already explained why she didn’t speak to him about the note immediately when she found it.

I think if I were to bring it up it would be in a jokey way. But since it was so long ago I would just cherish what you have now.
My god how many of us have made a cons list about our other halves.

Did she stick around? Or leave? No sure I could have stopped myself from bursting in to tears

I’ve been in a similar situation - not with a list but I found out very early on that he had been speaking to an old flame at the same time we first got together. I found out far enough into the relationship to know he truly loved me NOW and he was extremely remorseful. Upon reflection, I can accept that I had been the one pushing for us to be in a relationship when he wasn’t ready yet, and the first 3 months of our relationship had been tumultuous (mostly because of my own issues) and was a world apart from how our relationship was after the 3 month mark (and now).

We had a lot of arguments and back and forth when I found out, but ultimately, I could see my role in things and that where we were now was very different to where we were at the time this happened.

His actions and words show me everyday that he loves me. He’s been my biggest supporter and I’ve never doubted his commitment since. I trust him.

Before this, I would have said I would never forgive “cheating” or this sort of behaviour. But honestly, looking back we were young and I made so many of my own mistakes, and he has been nothing but wonderful since. So I got over it and we’re still together almost a decade later. If other people want to call me “weak” for that, or that I’m making excuses for him, let them!

Really it comes down to whether you can believe he feels differently now and that he truly loves you and is attracted to you, or whether it will always be in the back to your mind. If you’re not sure, then I would suggest you don’t really trust or believe that his feelings have truly changed and you’re better off ending it. Sorry for the long reply, I but I hope it’s helpful. Follow your gut!

Your boyfriend of a few weeks had been chatting to an old flame?

have you read the list the Op found? It tore her character and appearance to shreds

I've been following this thread but rarely post on here, just reading and lurking generally.
Anyhow, there is an article in the Daily Mail today by a journalist called Lindsey Hall which is almost the exact same scenario and using identical wording in places!!

Not sure if we're allowed links on here as I rarely post, just noticed the article is from July 26th and is called:
"I thought my relationship was perfect but then I discovered what my partner REALLY thought about me and my body. So many men are now doing the same thing... this is how to find out what YOUR husband thinks about you"

One thing that's struck me now is:

her name being on top of the list

This suggests it was written in a calm, clear-headed, unemotional way.
If so, then if nothing's changed about the OP from that list then I guess he still thinks these things.

Comparison to another woman.
Why else write her name? A name differentiates people.

If it's in an emotional state to 'get over her' why the heck write her name? Do I need to write the name of somebody who's upset me? Like it's for my eyes only, right?

All a bit strange.

@Lorna55 I think that linking is acceptable. Is there a share token?
The topic itself is maybe a coincidence but exact wording would be very, very strange.

Omg!!! Please link!!

Are you saying this journo is the Op? Or the Op just copied it and this is all made up?

What an insane coincidence? 🤔

https://www.dailymail.com/lifestyle/love-sex/article-16000649/discovered-boyfriend-thought-sexy.html

Oh It couldn’t be after all because that woman left immediately upon finding the list and then he came around to her house the next morning to find out what was going on, and she ended it.

Whereas that definitely hasn’t happened here