Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Definitely. It would make it worse for me, but a Pp said it was evidence of misogyny. My point overall in his defence was that it might have been written after she said it was over and that he isn’t necessarily misogynistic. But I agree, it wouldn’t feel good to find that he thought that, whatever it meant and I don’t think I could get past it, honestly.

But following that logic… he must have genuinely meant all those rotten things he listed about the op

if he was “trying to make himself feel better” why did he also write a “pro” list.

If you write a pro and con list it’s because you are weighing up what action to take. Ie whether to finish a relationship or not

He didn’t write a pro list.

The op said he did

The issue is I know there are pros. I know he feels pros but the physical attractiveness stuff just feels so acute

would indicate there was a pro list

otherwise how would the op “know”?

I've got some very personal stuff.... It's written in password protected doc on my phone... I'd be mortified if my lovely OH ever discovered it... It's. Purely when we went through a bad patch.

So if you’re out the other side… delete it?

OP, you're not gettingand you're unlikely to getgood advice here for at least one reason: You've replied quite a few times to people, but you've not taken concrete steps to move forward and break up with your partner. I don't think you should break up with him right away, but people on forums such as MN crave it. They can demur all they like, but it's true. As soon as an OP doesn't immediately take steps to end a relationship, posters start in with the "You're never going to leave him anyway, so it doesn't matter what we say" nonsense. Anyway. Ignore that stuff.

Look, I don't think you did anything wrong by finding and reading this list, and even if it WERE wrong, it doesn't negate the fact that this event is now a serious sticking point. So just forget about the fact that you read it. He put your name on it, for god's sake--anyone would've read it if they'd come across the same thing.

I don't agree with these ridiculous posters that he used you for sex and that he's just a misogynist. That's such silly black and white thinking that speaks of zero nuance. I think that people can be really, really depressed at the loss of a relationship and need companionship so bad that they have sex with others before they're emotionally ready to commit. I don't think that's using someone for sex--if anything, it's using them for emotional companionship and a way to distract themselves from the pain of the previous relationship. Women do it plenty (I certainly have), and it's not merely a consequence of misogyny. I think, ultimately, it's a consequence of pain. The guy having the one-night stand after a night at the club is the one actually using the woman for sex.

My take is that he wrote the list to make himself feel better about losing the shitty relationship you guys had then and to even justify his shitty behavior towards you. Indeed, he may have actually felt these things, but his anger/sadness/frustration/whatever may have been coloring his perception at the moment too.

It was a year ago in a bad moment, and I fully KNOW that people change. People DO feel more positive things about someone they love than they do about someone they're only recently dating. If he does indeed love you now, then I can guarantee you that you look more beautiful to him than you may have before. That's normal, and I'm shocked that anyone hasn't had the experience of getting to know someone better and having them become more attractive. (This phenomenon has been studied, by the way, and it doesn't only happen in romantic relationships.)

Nevertheless, the BIG issue is about how you move forward. Okay. First, you HAVE to talk to him. If you don't, this will fester. Resentment and distrust will build. You'll end up breaking up as a result of that stuff anyway. So you have to talk to him. I don't think you can make any decision about breaking up with him until you've talked to him. You have to see what he says, of course, but you also have to see how it all sits with you after, say, a month. If after a month you're still not secure in his feelings, then there's a good chance you'll NEVER feel secure. But how can you possibly know that until you talk to him and sit with his response? If you can't truly believe in his feelings for you/your looks (because you keep mentioning that he doesn't fancy you physically, which seems to be a sticking point for you), then you obviously have to break up. But you simply will not know if you feel secure in his feelings about that if you don't talk to him and SIT WITH IT for a while. If you DO believe him and you DO feel better, then I think it's completely reasonable to stay in the relationship. Based on what you've said about the relationship currently, he DOES fancy you! Why would he behave as he does, which is presumably loving, if he thought you were ugly? Come on. He's not getting anything out of that a year in, so the absolute most obvious reason why is because he DOES find you attractive and, more importantly, he DOES love you.

Talk to him.

Thank goodness you've come along to put all us idiots who are saying he's a wrong 'un and that she should dump his sorry ass right.

Yes it is completely normal for a man to sit there in his pants and write a barrage of hateful, deeply nasty things about his ex when he's been dumped.

Nothing that could be construed as being petty, weird, misogynistic, childish or downright disturbing about that at all. No siree.

And here was me thinking that the normal thing men might do in this situation was to maybe get a bit drunk, cry on their friends' shoulders, play a few sad songs and cry, 'how can I win her back, Dave?' to their best mate.
How silly of me.

That's if he likes her, of course. If not, well who cares, anyway. No need to be vindictive or a misogynistic c* about it or assisinate her character.

Not that she'll ever be "actually be able to forget those nasty words, of course, because one nasty act/word can undo a thousand nice ones.

Now that's genuine wisdom.

ive just read this again, the last line: just want to say you’re a horrible person x

She is describing a truly vile note that your boyfriend wrote about you and his response . She isn’t talking about you.

Omg, some of these responses are horrible.

I have no idea what he's like OP, he could deep down be a c#nt but it really doesn't sound like it.

He just sounds like his head wasn't in it to begin with.

May be he didn't mean to meet someone so soon after his break up, but he liked you. We can't always control timing.

He sounds like he has been pretty honest with you about his feelings when you first got together. It may not be the fairy tale start, but I would take honesty over insincerity any day.

Just talk to him. See what he's got to say, and take as long as you need to make up your mind.

“the crude term about FEMALE sexual obsession about a man” isn’t about the note is it . She’s saying I’m desperate

You said “the last line”

As it stands… almost 9 days since you have made this discovery, and you still haven’t raised this with him. Have you spoken since? How did you leave it with him once you had found the note? I think I’d have been in floods of tears

Good for you!

I can't think what the crude sex obsession for a female is? Either way I don't think it sounds supportive for OP .

Same and same. And well done op for saying so.

It WAS the last line of Quintados comment...

But from your previous comments you clearly enjoy being argumentative even when you are in the wrong.

No.
I'm blunt.
Redirect your criticisms to your boyfriend.

You are within your rights to have your opinion just like I have mine SO scroll ON if you don’t agree with someone else’s comments in answer to OP’s query. Married 54 years here and have gone through bad patches with my husband at various times throughout these years. IMO, nothing is ever black and white when 2 people first get together and live together coming from different households and beliefs. Wishing you and OP a happy life.

They don’t live together
They live an hour apart

The Op quoted a post and said she didn’t like the last line and that was the line I posted about - the last line!

there was no mention of that weird comment about sexual crude obsession on the post the op quoted

What comments have I been argumentative in? How odd