Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

i don’t know how many times I have to say it - what I’m trying to ascertain, and decide if I believe and it’s enough, is if it was a sustained opinion of a flash in the pan a year ago

Agreed, just talk to him.

I would never get over it. I would bin him to be honest.

I agree with @QuintadosMalvados . You'll never get over this. It is slowly going to destroy you with the years. Some places you can never come back from.

Get out now while you are still young enough to go out dancing (although I'm almost 60 and I still go); have fun; and meet someone who loves you for yourself. The future with this list maker is grim.

Surely the early days are when you're crazy attracted to each other? And that can grow into a deeper love and passion/attraction, or it can tail off. I've never heard of it going the other way in a full blown relationship. I know attraction can and does grow from initially dating someone, but you were in a proper relationship at the time he wrote that, yes? (Albeit one that had just ended or was just ending)

I haven't rtft so apologies if this has been said already. But I'm amazed everybody thinks he accidentally left this out. This diary was the only thing left on the floor? - what a coincidence! Ripping out the page to draw your attention to it. And just to make really sure, he put your name at the top of the page!
Which suggests a tonne of messing with your head is heading your way.

Sorry OP I understand that it's a genuine dilemma when you've been loving the relationship for a year but when you say you need to know whether this was a fleeting opinion or a sustained one it does make you sound a bit desperate. If someone said they thought you were an awful person and they disliked you would you reply 'oh but do you always think I'm an awful person and dislike me?'

The most charitable view I can think of is that he was hurt and angry about the breakup (even though he was in full agreement with the breakup) and trying to convince himself that he didn't like you. That's why everything was listed on the negative side (ie no positives listed).

If I was in your shoes, it would be a red flag to me that:
(A) he talked about me like a horse he's about to reject at the marketplace. That is cold and dehumanising.
(B) he focused on my appearance and sexual attractiveness.
(C) he wrote, "I'm not sure I'm proud of her".

B and C, and perhaps A as well, are born from misogynistic thinking about women. That our looks are the most important aspect about us, and that he wants to show you off to other men as a trophy, to show that he is capable of pulling a better bird than them.

THIS is what would make ME pause: it reveals an underlying misogynistic thinking that usually goes hand in hand with problematic exploitative entitled "I'm the Prize" behaviours.

OP, obviously you should talk to him. And you shouldn't be defensive about you reading it, you found it accidentally and pretty much no one would NOT read something like that in that setting. You should not go into that conversation feeling defensive, he'll jump on that and might gaslight you into trying to ignore what he wrote.

I am sure he will earnestly assure you he was just angry/upset/bla bla and he doesn't think those things now. Lots of love bombing and assurances.

BUT what he wrote shows a misogynistic mindset. If you decide to give him another chance, keep your eye out. Don't fall too strongly, keep your wits about you.

Agreed. But why would he want her to find a list dated a year back if he'd rather make sure she confronts him? If he intended the list to be found by making it stick out of a book left behind that's neurotic enough but the old date makes it unnecessarily complicated.

Is he hoping she decides to keep it to herself and work on that list?

Tbh, actions speak louder than words. I would genuinely judge him on how he's acted in the last year than what he wrote down during a time that was turbulent and he possibly not living in the present.

People write down as much crap as they say. The written word is no more or less honest or insightful.

Just to give balance, where there instances during that period when he did or said something and you've questioned whether you fancied him or liked him?

I think you will need to be honest about seeing the list. All you have is your gut instinct. The way he reacts I think will be the answer to whether you are able to put it behind you or not.

But fwiw, I do believe that attraction can grow. If he was on the rebound, it's likely that his head was elsewhere. And when you split up, he could have realised he'd been a fucking idiot.

I can imagine the transition from one person to another if you're autistic, is harder.

Good luck, whatever the outcome. X

I think the list was genuinely written a year ago. However, he's probably a bit fed up of being the nice boyfriend and remembered the list and instead of getting rid of it as you would if you were really bothered about the relationship he's left it out either to put her in her place or get out of that marriage and children they've been contemplating.
If OP was my daughter I'd really struggle with what advice to give. I'd have a really bad feeling about it, but would worry about calling time on an apparently happy relationship.

I’m truly sorry if you’ve already answered this as I know you’re having to repeat things, but were you sleeping together at the time you were slowly breaking up? Because this was his attitude to you then, and if he was still having sex with you when he didn’t fancy - or frankly even seem to like you as a person - I also think that’s a problem even if he seems to like you now.

Ignore this loon. Utterly overinvested in this thread, multiple hectoring posts, loudly determined to dominate you, basically heckling you to force you to agree. Just ignore.

I really think you just need to have an honest conversation with him. If he is sincerely contrite, embarrassed, and able to say that these were not his true feelings then ok,. If he is defebsive, rude, or DARVO’s you and blames you for the lust then you cut the relationship iff.

Only this 'loon' is saying what the majority are saying so not such a loon, eh? 😁

It's certain that at one point he was using you for sex.
Indisputable fact.
Why write he didn't fancy you iotherwise? It makes no sense.

That is not a good thing and indicates he has a misogynistic streak.

If you're happy with this, crack on. I wouldn't be, nor would I think a lot of women.

But to answer your question...
I believe that women (not all obviously) can indeed be in a position where they can slowly be attracted to a man.
I also think that they would not be having sex with him before this attraction developed.

I do not, however, believe that it's generally true for men.

He didn't want you then and I doubt he wants you now.

But the fact that you are OK with the fact that he was using you for sex and for some reason you are OK with that screams to me that you are desperate for his attention.

I also believe that he wanted you to see this and some sharp-witted people have pointed this out.

I think that this could be a passive aggressive attempt to get you to end it.

Autistic men tend to prevaricate and be indecisive so it makes sense that he's forcing you to end it.

You are badgering this OP. You are repeat posting your opinion and essentially demanding that she act as you wish. AIBU isn’t a court of law with a jury or a political system where majority rules. She isn’t obligated to end up agreeing with “the majority.” She asked for opinions and she got them. It’s information. Not determinative.

I think the repetition now is from it’s such a long thread. It’s hard to read it all, most probably aren’t before posting. It’s just going round in circles now.

Is the thread helping any more, or is it time to step away? That may be more helpful for you now.

Only usually in their head? I find it staggering that so many grown adults think it's normal to write this shit down as if they need a reminder of what they dislike about someone.

It's the kind of Dear Diary bollocks you do when you're twelve, but a grown, adult male? Red flags all over the place.

Indeed.

I don't think it was an accident either . I think he's so condescending too . He didnt say on his note for example, we have different emotional depth . Instead she has no depth etc . He's very superior . OP deserves better.

Do you see yourself moving in together? Marrying? Having kids? If not, I’d use this as galvanising force to end it once and for all. At 34, if i wanted those things, I wouldn’t be taking risks with someone who at one point (whether recent or indeed on day broke up) didn’t fancy me but also though I was shit with money and loads of other crap features.

What happened after you read it @Devondigspigs ?

Well we can’t help you with that can we?

I’m unsure how you’ve come to the conclusion that he wrote this last year? He could have wrote it at any time or am I missing something 🤷‍♀️ you seem so adamant he wrote it last year. Unless you speak to him about it, you’re never going to know anything. Even then there’s no guarantee he’ll be truthful. What you do is down to you. Personally I feel you want to pass it off as ‘just a phase’. That’s all well and good if you can do that. I’m not sure how your mind won’t come back to it though at times, especially during an argument if he says something mean and you want to react 🥴

So here's a question. What do your close friends and family think about him? Do they like him? Do they know about last year? Do they know about the contents of this diary page?

First people I'd be asking would be my close friends, whenever I got the opportunity. I posted on here to kind of get a sense of backup, as in my head I already knew what I had was never good enough. What would your friends say?