Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

You’re allowed to have a journal and write down whatever inner narrative you have. Some people process ideas like that. It makes it no more or less true than it being in your head. The issue is if you choose to be careless with that physical manifestation of your thoughts to people it could be hurtful to

Honestly thank you for this. I am desperate and willing to be used - you saying this has really hit it home for me. You’re a fantastic, moral and excellent person. I wish I was your friend IRL so you could hit me in person with such home truths x

It was bad at the start, I ended it, it’s been wonderful since with all those elements

Maybe at this point, after a mixed bag of advice and going round and round in never ending circles, just speak to him, like today? A good friend of mind from Yorkshire says just shit on the pot or get off it.

But don't let it fester. Have it out with him this weekend, then make a decision.

It's such early days to walk if that's what you decide to do, easier to leave now if you can't accept it or how he responds. But nobody on here can tell you whether he's genuine or not and what he was truly thinking or feeling when he wrote it.

Personally he would not be good enough for me and I don't think I'd have a single friend who wouldn't tell me to bail.

Only you know what to do. Respect yourself though.

Have you talked about moving together? The future?

Yeah I'm mentioning it because I remember these contrived little ploys from a friend who self-diagnosed as ND and overthinks everything. That you say you know him is a good sign because I never could figure out what my friend was going on about. Does he have a lot of friends?

Was he in the room when you "found" it?

Is he very tidy? Honestly if it was the only book left on the floor that he knows to contain private thoughts then I would expect him to not let it lie around in the open, especially if he's right there..

If he'd penned to make himself feel better about the breakup, then he would have binned it once you made up and especially after a blissful year together purely out of shame for feeling vulnerable at the time - but he ripped it out and kept it. I think it's entirely possible he left it for you to find, for the reason PP outlined.

You have been sitting with this now for a week. And you are trying to ascertain something that no one knows aside from him. And that won’t change. So there really is no point doing anything aside from talking to him. When will you be in a position to do so?

So you believe he was intentional about being careless in having this on his floor?

What did you walk in to post finding the note? How did you even look him in the eye?

I wholly agree, but you are missing my point. Writing your private thoughts in a journal about day-to-day issues you may be struggling with—be that with people or life events—is a very different thing to someone deliberately allocating a sheet of paper to listing all the negative things about the one person they are supposed to love and support. I find it very odd that anyone in a healthy relationship would do this, particularly a grown man. I find it odder still that the page would have been torn out and the book left somewhere where you could easily find it. You clearly do too, or there would be no need for you to have written this thread in the first place.

I think the only thing you can do is confront him about it if you don't think you can get past it without. Ask him where he was when he wrote those things and if any of it still rings true for him today. I don't see this as an argument by the way, but a conversation about his past feelings and perspective.

Clearly, he did want the relationship or he wouldn't of come back and been a great partner since.

You’re being very defensive,!to some extent I can understand. No one likes to hear things that are unpleasant. However,!a true friend would be open and honest with with and give you some hard facts if that’s what they thought. Not play the doting friend and say there there, everything is amazing don’t worry about it.
when you posted asking ‘what to do’? What exactly were you expecting from people? Did you already have a particular mindset of how people would think about this and what their reaction would be?

Have you even spoke to him about it yet? Do you intend to? Or would you just prefer to let it go and not think about it again?

Is it not a little early for that? Especially given the doubts at the start. It takes a good couple of years to really get to know another person. A year is nothing.... Especially long distance. Long distance, having done it myself, makes it much harder to bond.

Everything is good now so just let it drop. You didn't see the "Pros" list which could have been amazing.

It may have been his private thoughts but as with toothpaste, you can't put it back into the tube once it's been squeezed out. It would probably be the end of the relationship for me unless I thought his virtues outweighed his negative thoughts , and whether some of the comments were valid had impacting other relationships I had eg with family or previous SOs. . As an alternative approach maybe write down your own list about his attributes and failings to see whether he is such a perfect catch as presumably he think he is, and before you confront him with his list about you and ask him to explain what he wrote about you and why. If he offers no profuse apology it's up to you whether you want to produce your list and discuss whether you both want to work on the perceived issues, or call it a day.

Well what other conclusions are there to reach?

Sorry but any woman who is not out the door upon discovering this barrage of cruel insults has got some self-esteem issues. Perhaps work on that?

You haven't even got the obstacles of marriage, property ownership and children with him.

Doesn't fancy you, fried hair, weird posture. What a prince amongst men he is.

Who cares when it was written? It's not relevant as regards your course of action- which is to get rid of him.

Written during rough patch:

Childish misogynistic behaviour. Doesn't take rejection on the chin and wish you well. Nor sit there wishing you'd return. If it were that and he really liked you, he would not write such cruel things.

Written during good times: deeply, deeply weird.

Wrote it last week so you'd see it and dump him:
Cowardly behaviour.

Obviously the rest of your post is sarcasm.

Do what you will. It's obvious to me that you're going to stay with him, anyway, else you'd have dumped him by now.

Obviously a bunch of randoms on the Internet can't stop you, frankly it's no skin off my nose what you do but I maintain that he's a piece of shit.

At 34, if i wanted children, I would want some idea as to whether I was with someone I saw myself living with and having a family with after almost 2 years together (excluding the 1 month break)

Basically this.

and I find it very odd that’s week has passed and the op has just being trying to ascertain something that she will never be certain of unless she speaks to him

People write and say all sorts of stuff that isn't true, ever read a biography?

He wrote those things to be hurtful, because he was hurting.

They are of their time, people change, life changes.

I think some of the replies are jumping to conclusions a bit. I wouldn't be calling him a misogynist or controlling based on this.
What he wrote was obviously horrible to discover, especially the appearance comments, but the timing matters. It was written during a really turbulent period, before they ultimately broke up. It doesn't automatically represent how he feels a year later.
You already know his response now is likely to be positive, and his behaviour since getting back together backs that up. The difficulty is that you've seen something you can't unsee, so of course you're going to have moments of doubt.
I'd have the conversation, own the fact that you shouldn't have read the diary, but don't throw away a relationship that's apparently been brilliant for the last year because of a list written during a completely different chapter.
And please don't start picking apart your weight, hair, posture etc. because of it. That list tells you where he was then, not the truth about you now.

I agree with QuintadosMalvados.

This is all about your self-esteem. You can't spend the rest of your life living in fear that your partner is going to leave you for someone with better hair.

The abyss is staring you in the face (in written list form).

Get out while there is still time to meet someone who will love you for how you are. Check your local area listing for Salsa classes - lots of hot, available men who aren't follicly critical out there.

I think it is a natural reluctance to not want to end something that the OP doesn't want to end. Sadly, I don't think talking to him will necessarily put her mind at ease or provide certainty about what he has written either. I don't say this to be cruel. I just can't think of a single thing he could say that could defend such a nasty personal attack on the person he should care about most.

Even if it was written during a period of anger and upset, he hasn't destroyed it, he's written the OP's name on it 🤷‍♀️ (which suggests he wanted her to find it if only subconsciously), and—with the greatest will in the world, and the biggest amount of grovelling—he can't undo the fact that that he had those thoughts about OP and she's seen them.

Follicly critical. Brilliant. 😂

If the cons list was that he didn’t fancy her and thought she had no depth the pros list would have had to be stratospheric.

I so very rarely write on here but this one hit home. My now husband and I met when he had only very recently split from his wife. He had absolutely not planned on meeting someone else who he was actually going to fall in love with so he self sabotaged. Went cold with me, ended it. He didn’t write a list, but I could absolutely tell you that he probably had a list in his head of why he shouldn’t fall for me. Six months later, we met again and were now married. Not saying this is what he was doing but my husband will tell you that his head was all over the place when he met me and that year is pretty much a blur to him.