Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

If she had her screwed on, she'd break up with a man who:

Has cheated in the past. (I think she said this, I could be wrong but even if so the following two points are reasons enough.)

Is autistic (this does not make him a bad man but by goodness will cause issues in future).

Is capable of writing deeply misogynistic shit about her when affronted.

Yeah I know.
I'd feel the same.
I'd want him to have some payback too.

Best leave it to fantasy though.

No offence meant to you.

It sounds to me like he wrote this list to help him get over you, particularly as there was no pros list. So he may have exaggerated and listed things he was aware of but actually didn’t care about. We can all list a partners physical flaws if we put our minds to it but we can still fancy them.

I had a friend at uni, we got on really well and spent a lot of time together. I didn’t fancy him at all and could have given you a long list of why based on physical appearance. One day something clicked and suddenly I wanted him and only him. I fell completely in love with him over just a few weeks. We were together five years and I’ve never loved anyone that way since. So I believe you can find someone unattractive until you get to a certain point emotionally, it’s not impossible. He might still not have been my physical ideal but that didn’t matter.

Talk to him and get his side. Give him a chance to prove he does find you attractive and isn’t settling. If you aren’t convinced then you can still make a decision to leave longer term.

Seriously you need to get a grip.

Nowhere has OP said he has cheated.

Citing his autism as a reason not to be with someone simply because 'it will cause problems' in the future is simply disgusting.

Having negative thoughts about a specific woman does not make a man misogynistic.

You also seem to be affronted that OP and others have their own opinion. You are revealing far more about your own character that making any meaningful comment on OP's partner.

I get what you're saying, we could all write a list about a person's flaws if we put our minds to it but there'd be no emotion behind it.

The key difference here though is that he wrote in a fit of pique at being dumped.

That's not good at all.
Like he gets all misogynistic when a woman disagrees with him or things don't go his way.

For the umpteenth times, it's not "misogynistic" to think something about someone's weight and hair.

You are posting in a really bizarre fashion, Quintados. And as for dumping someone specifically because they are autistic... Incredible that you think you're the voice of reason here.

It's not disgusting at all to point out that autism can cause rifts in a relationship at all. It's just a matter of fact.

The comments he made are indeed deeply misogynistic.

If a decent man gets dumped he is sad or just moves on without making lists like this.

Stating the blooming obvious, but we all have flaws. Isn't it about the 'buts' to some extent?
I'm not sure I fancy them but they're growing on me? I'm not sure how much 'depth' they have to their personality but I'm learning more as time goes on? I understand what people are saying about the honeymoon phase when literally everything should be sunshine and rainbows, but there's also the relationships that evolve and grow and become something more solid and sustainable over time? I don't think that's necessarily 'settling'.
In this particular case I agree with lots of others who think this cons list may have been a 'well I didn't like her that much anyway' reaction but reflection has made him realise that actually it's all nonsense and he does want to be with her, hence the efforts he has made since, and maybe the list was never destroyed because in his head it's a irrelevance now and he's not given it a second thought.

You need to become 'judgy' and make a list on him too. Make sure you leave it in a prominent place (e.g. his car's windscreen - like a parking ticket).

Then get a Prosecco Spritz and a good book and go outside and enjoy the sunshine. It looks like it is going to be another beautiful day.

No, you are literally just expressing an opinion.

Misogyny is a hatred for and treating women as inferior to men. Negative thoughts about a specific woman does not equate to this.

You are in no position to make any factual statement about what a decent person would do. It is again literally just your opinion. It holds as much weight as the person who believes writing a list could be helpful, enable them to reflect or cope with their feelings.

It is misogynistic to list these things in a fit of pique when being broken up with.

And you won't shame me into thinking that a man being autistic isn't a reason to break up with him, either.

I've been respectful, said that a man who has autism isn't necessarily a bad person but that there are problems that that autism brings.

I've been there and bought the t-shirt.

Women shouldn't have to set themselves on fire to keep a man warm.

Agree with @QuintadosMalvados . He is a berk.

If amazingly you can override this strange list and carry on with the relationship, he will let you down further along the line.

You are not 'the one' and he is not 'the one' for you.

I would not get over this. I would feel I was being used until someone he did fancy came along. I can be a bit petty and I would do the same about him, i.e., the little penis, rubbish in bed..... He would certainly have to.go. No amount of "explaining" could ever make it any better. Find someone who appreciates you for your good points of which I am sure there are many.

He was maybe trying to gather an argument (to himself) to justify no longer seeing you/breaking it off. If there are is no pros column, I'd suggest that rather than weighing you up to see if you are a + or a -.
"Oh that God would give us the gift,
To see ourselves as others see us"

I don’t think I could get past it tbh. Knowing that he didn’t fancy you, and was even trying to break down why, that would stick in my head going forward. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with our physical side anymore. And the bit where he says he’s not proud - that’s brutal. There hasn’t been a single day with my DP (together years) where I’ve thought those things, let alone written them down!

He seems so shallow. Yet had the audacity to write you had no depth!! Life is hard, aging is hard, I’d not trust him to stay invested at all.

I think what may happen OP is that you try to continue, and it limps along but is never the same. It can’t be. Then you’ll break up in years to come, either with children which is so hard for them and you, or without because you never felt sure enough to have them and you’re too old. Please value yourself. Two of my closest friends gave their last ten years of possible fertility to unpleasant-at-heart men before breaking up, and both deeply regret not doing it earlier.

Did you ever fancy someone you didn't fancy at first?

Yep. 100%. Very much in your partners position actually. I'd not long been out of a relationship and was feeling a bit down and met someone on a drunken night out who was clearly interested. In his group of mates he was sort of the 'underdog' (I'm not for a minute saying you are!!🤦🏻‍♀️) and they all said afterwards they were stunned he'd actually made a move AND successfully got my number because it just wasn't like him! I really wasn't feeling it, but he was different to any boyfriends I'd had previously, made an effort, was attentive with messaging etc. But there wasn't much chemistry and I didn't really fancy him. I remember sort of faking my enthusiasm in text messages to him thinking that ah well, it was something to do, and maybe I'd feel attraction if we met up again. Gradually it grew. He lived about 100 miles away so we did long distance and met up every 2 weeks, which grew to weekly, then twice weekly and eventually I moved down there. Absolute love of my life. We were deeply in love and one of those couples who everyone envied and friends and family on both sides knew how good we were for one another. Blissfully happy together, and both of us were happy to spend time together doing interests that alone we'd never have done, and would have baulked at the suggestion.

Alas, things eventually didn't work out. Its probably 20 years since we broke up, but he remains the absolute love of my life. I've been in brilliant, wonderful and fulfilling relationships since, but there was just something about him that made him the one that got away. Friends who already knew me back then will no doubt say he was also their favourite of my Ex's. But yes, when we first met I could easily have written a list like your DP did, with all the things I wasn't sure about. But the 4 years that followed would have torn any list to shreds.

Oh do catch up. Not just lists, pro and con lists about sexual partners. OBVIOUSLY

I think context is really important here.
I'm sure that everybody could list a partner's physical flaws in a dispassionate way if pressed but hey I love them anyway.

I don't doubt that at all.

It's just the way he does it when he gets dumped.

I just imagine him sitting there angrily writing out all these nasty things about her appearance and not fancying her.

It's not a list where he says 'Likes to get up early, I don't so at least I can have a lie-in now' which would be fair enough.

I'd still think it childish and immature, though like who does this?
(A nice, autistic man perhaps?)

But at it wouldn't necessarily make him an angry misogynistic male.
This particular list, however, strongly gives me the impression that he is.

Hello,
I do feel like I’m repeating myself a lot and do appreciate the vast vast majority of views and replies.

• he didn’t cheat, he told me he broke up with an ex in X month, which they did, but were still in a lot of contact until a couple of months before we got together. so I think he only truly started processing the loss in that silence. Not great, not self aware, but not infidelity
• i don’t believe what he’s said is misogynistic- it’s not pleasant and it’s not a nice way to think about a romantic partner, but it’s not misogyny. We don’t all have to force ourselves to fancy people we don’t because it’s the “right” thing to do. We arent all privy to everyone’s inner world, and honestly I think if you’re going around thinking dp has never ever had a bad thought about you it’s naive. The issue here is that he’s written them down and been careless enough to not destroy them.
• the autism with regards to this is a red herring. It explains why but doesn’t stop the hurt (only possibly makes it less about me)

If you gain weight and become a size 16 or 18, will he still find you attractive, will he still love you? If you get ill and loose your hair or looks, will he stay with you? Will he support you?

While I don't agree about it being a "misogynistic attack," it's a bit more than just "hair not great, not my usual type." He actually wrote out that he doesn't fancy her. The above items was him musing on why that might be. But to not fancy her, but carry on sleeping with her because it suits him, is the issue. To be able to do that - to use someone you're not attracted to because you get your balls drained, is horrible, and it does indicate a problematic attitude.

A nice, decent autistic man would have dispassionately listed things about incompatibility such as you liking beach holidays and him liking walking holidays not crap about how your hair is fried and that he doesn't fancy you.

This is all very angsty and you’ve been second guessing yourself constantly in what is still a very new relationship. At your age I’d be wanting better for myself.

Using a woman for sex when you don't fancy her is certainly misogynistic.

The fact that he seems to - according to the OP- really likes her now does not change that fact.
(I'm not saying that you think it changes things at all but she may think that it does.)

Fucking hell that's awful. No way could I live with that. It's so cold and calculating and judgmental. It's like you're an object he's assessing. It's all about him isn't it? Coupled with the lying and the fact that you were a rebound relationship at a difficult time in his life I would say he is using you until something better comes along. You need to end things and move on with your life and consider how you ended up with someone so unpleasant.

edited to add - also in answer to your question, I don't think men do start to fancy someone that they didn't fancy before, especially men like this.