Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

This is my feeling that basically I’ve glimpsed some true feelings and now won’t ever trust him again

There wasn’t a pro list? I know what he loves about me now, but there wasn’t a pro list from the day. I feel like you’re stirring things and getting a kick out of it so I’m going to stop replying to you

The normal reaction to being broken up with is deep sorrow and shock IF you're really into someone OR if you're not just having a few days off, shrugging your shoulders, wishing them all the best (if that) and getting back out there.

Not stupid f*ing notes like this.

To be frank posters like you get on my nerves a bit.
Like the vast majority are correct here but still you refute them.

Fine. Just leave the thread and do what you want.

This guy's got more red flags than a communist parade, though.

The autism does not make him a bad person at all but by goodness it is difficult to live with.
So you will have issues if you cohabit.

The list just marks him out as a potentially abusive weirdo who resorts to deep insults when things go wrong.
Next time that might include physical violence.

You really need to be aware of that.
He's the type to lash out.
He has the emotional mindset of a young child.

Difference is when a two-year-old has a tantrum it's usually not scary.

You are obviously not prepared to break up with him at all.
The fact that you doggedly insist you are correct in the face of lots of different people (including a man calling him a cunt giving insight in male psyche (no disrespect to this man if he's reading. I just assume most people are women here) just proves you are not provided to take advice at all.

That very crude term about female sexual obsession about a man springs to mind.

I don't know why on MN, people get so annoyed with OPs who do not immediately agree to leave their partner. I have had some male friends who I was sure I did not fancy at all, and then differently found myself very attracted to. I think that can change. I am sure my DH must have worried about my weight when he first met me as I have always been overweight, but he fell in love with ' me' . Interestingly, when we were first dating, he decided they're were too many things that made us too different and write me a letter explaining why we needed to stop seeing each other, listing our incompatibilities ( also autistic) and I write such a lively reply that he asked to continue dating.
I think if things feel good currently, you need to accept that a year ago he had some doubts, but so did you, and if you had made a list at that time, it would not make great reading for him, and then just associate what you have now, and how you have grown since that time.

If I doggedly wasn’t going to leave him I wouldn’t have posted about it. If it was a recent list, I would have left him. But the nuance lies in that it was a year ago. The things he said are hurtful and I’m not sure if I can get past them or how I’ll feel when I see him and confront him. But the reason for me it isn’t black and white is that it was written a year ago, before a year of solid relationship. Yes, some people might immediately confront and leave but when I’ve made emotional decisions in the past I’ve regretted it. I just want to approach this particular issue from a more measured place and, hence the reason I posted, views from others on the situation who do not know me IRL.

in terms of defending him: I would never stay with a partner I didn’t fancy. I’d never hurt someone or string them along for my own means. If he’s done or doing that, it’s entirely a problem with him. What I’m not sure of is if I’ve seen a snapshot of something mid break up, or something more indicative of wider feelings extending to now, which is what I need to try and find out, and then either way work out if I can get past it. I may know the last part immediately or in a few weeks or beyond, I don’t know

I have written quite horrible notes in my diary throughout the years blasting my DH when he had upset me. We had a very tulmutuous relationship at one stage, and I felt so angry and hurt by him that I wanted to hurt him back, I considered divorce. He stopped drinking and smoking and things improved greatly 20 years ago.
I destroyed my notes. I also found notes in paperwork to be shredded, written by my daughter, after she moved out of our house, which were not directly hurtful to me but a real cause for concern. These had been written a few years before when she was at uni and living it up and involved in unsavoury relationships. I know she is fine and happy now so never said anything or even alluded to finding them. I destroyed them. In your place, I probably would not say anything as your DP wrote the notes when you were both in a bad place and it looks like he jotted them down to convince himself that losing you or breaking up with you was justified by these made up cons, to make himself feel better, thus protect his own feelings over the break up or failure of the relationship.

Grown adult emotionally mature men do not do this.

They either:
Care about the woman and get deeply upset.
This is why there's so many pop and rock songs about baby come back to me and the like.

Or they don't care and just shake themselves off, wish her well and get the hell on with life. Confident that they'll meet somebody else.

There's no stupid little notes like this.

The guys a fucking menace and is likely to be abusive if things get difficult.

Everything is OK now but next big argument there'll be trouble.

He's also a cheat and autistic (not indicative of him being a bad person but still going to cause issues).

More red flags than a communist parade.

OP obviously thinks he's the best she can get or besotted.

@Devondigspigs

OP, I think you are overthinking this.

People can get more, or less, attractive as we get to know them. People can be really aesthetically attractive but butt ugly because they’re arseholes!! People loose their looks with age.

Try to move past the aesthetic side. What’s more important is the connection etc. Yes, sure, we all want our partners to find us attractive, and they do in some way, but this can be fluid. He was writing this when he was hurting and not feeling the feels for you at the time. So, no, he probably didn’t find you very attractive at the time.

That doesn’t seem to be how he feels now. You say it’s been really good. It would be a shame to loose that if you really think it’s that good.

You could talk to him about it. You say you know what he’ll say, but you could still have the chance to say it hurts. What’s different now?

Maybe keep your eyes open a bit for a while. And yes, sex can blur our rational mind. How do you get on when you don’t have sex for a week? If you’re planning a future together, if you are planning kids, then you’re going to need to be able to still get on without the sex topping up the oxytocin on a regular basis.

But personally I’d say try to let it go, otherwise it’ll be the slow death of the relationship anyway.

FWIW, I think when you're not fully invested in a relationship at the beginning (eg when your head is scrambled from a break up) then there are things, 'differences' maybe, about the new girl/boyfriend that would go on your list of "cons" which, once things develop and your head is in a clearer place just don't matter and even become a key part of the package that you love about them. For example "I like smooth brown hair like my ex Jane had, Sarah has crazy blonde hair that needs brushed". I don't think thoughts like this are an issue long term, because they are things which change as you sort your head out and become invested with your new partner. It's just a change from the familiar to the different. The fancying thing I think can also be this.

I think if you raise it with him, he prepared that he may initially react in an unhelpful way, as he'll feel very panicked and maybe angry that you have read his thoughts/ diary, rather than react in a way that reassures you. It might take him a few days to get to the stage he can focus on the impact this has had in you.

(I also think lots of posters here are desperate for vicarious drama of you ending it and are being unkind to you to push you into doing so by calling you weak and desperate for a boyfriend)

Oh for goodness sake.

Of course adult people have pros and cons list, usually in their head but sometimes written down, when things aren't going well in a relationship.

This is the most batshit thread.

The people who think that generally, in life, partners never have doubts or think things we would class as hurtful if said out loud are naive. Everyone has horrible thoughts - sometimes fleeting, sometimes more sustained.

the issue here is he wrote them down and I found them. What I need to ascertain is if it’s how he’s felt in a sustained way, or whether it was a flash in the pan. Even if he felt that way for a bit at the start and now doesn’t, that’s a line for me as he kept sleeping with me.

honestly again, I don’t know where this “clearly besotted and won’t leave him” vibe is coming from. I wanted views and to know how I felt within myself and where my
own boundaries lie before speaking to him and making a decision. Do you want an award for being a badder bitch than I am?

Blimey. What sweeping statements. Maybe that’s who you’ve dated. Male ego plays a part there.

I don’t agree.

You know not all men are the same? And not all grown men emotionally mature at the same rate, or in the same way. The autism may be a factor in how he processes, it may just be who he is.

Autistic people tend to be more analytical, so pros and cons lists (yes, I’m aware a pros list wasn’t found) actually make more sense, it’s analysis.

Yeah, OP will have to see how he is when they have a huge argument, when things get tough, but that’s said about all relationships.

This is the problem isn’t it? In terms of now things are great, you both love each other there’s no concerns. But knowing he felt that way in the past leaves you wondering if you are the consolation prize and if he finds someone ‘better’ he will leave.
You need to talk to him and be honest that you are considering ending the relationship his reaction will be telling anything other than devastation and a desperation to do anything to fix this will tell you what you need to know.

That's your view.

This isn't a pro and cons list, anyway.
This is a deeply personal, deeply misogynistic attack on her appearance.

It's not like it's 'We're better off apart as she likes to get up early and I don't.'

If there's any 'batshittery' here it's from those defending him.

It's not analysis!

It's a deeply misogynistic attack on her body and appearance. Ffs.

Yeah I agree.
Also perhaps at that moment in time you could probably have thought of a similar list about him. Things have now changed and so if it was me Id be tempted to think, things are good, we have grown into this great relationship- why ruin it?
However, you didnt write that list. You were upfront and ended it. In your shoes itd always be in the background for me and Id never feel secure in the relationship. At best his words would be a constant niggle. At worst, Id be plotting revenge. How dare he?
Id be forced to reveal my hand and I love some of the previous advice such as strategically leaving it out for him, probably along with my own list about him.
Once Id decided on this, Id also probably spend the preceding couple of weeks being totally irreplaceable, just to make it sting him more.
Sorry OP

I think if he was thinking 'should I stay or should I dump her', it would have been a pro/cons list. I've done this. It's even recommended in therapy to help you get your thoughts straight and to really sort out where your mind is playing tricks. Writing things down forces you to then look at what's reasonable and what actually matters.to you. Being familiar with autism, I suspect this is more of a helpful tool for him. Also, it's been written when he's just been dumped, so I suspect it's more about 'making himself feel better' by writing down things he wasn't keen on then. Not nice, probably done in anger and confusion, and not necessarily so now. I think your relationship now is what really matters. Just talk to him. One gentle conversation could sort out all this worry. It seems a bit nuts to go from moving in together and considering children, to he wrote something mean a year ago so I'm out - at least not unless you actually talk to him about it. Also, be aware, that a frequent autistic trait is not being able to lie well. Honesty, however brutal, is a often a default, and it doesn't always have the nuance associated with writing it down etc. So, he has written that you have frizzy hair,.maybe he still thinks you have frizzy hair - but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't necessarily have the huge depth of feeling you are pinning on to the words. Same with not fancying you. Maybe he didn't so much then, but he does now. Maybe he fancied his ex more, but this was then, and now might be very different.

This is a deeply personal, deeply misogynistic attack on her appearance.

No it's not. It's weight, posture, hair.

If I'd written a con list about my wonderful and perfect husband in the early days, I'd have said poor posture, not as lean as my usual type, and why does he sometimes wear briefs instead of boxers when they are so deeply unsexy.

It always amazes me how people think because somebody else does something they do it's OK.

It shouldn't because logically of course they think it's OK as they do it.

Still though it's interesting to see how this deeply misogynistic cunt that is OP's boyfriend is being defended.

People are enjoying giving you a hard time for some reason OP, maybe just spite because you seem to have your head screwed on.

Obviously you can do whatever you want but if I was you I'd redirect my energy away from defending yourself and repeating your story in this thread and put it into spending some alone time with your thoughts and feelings.

For what it's worth, I can see what a tricky situation this is and don't know exactly how I'd act either.

I can totally understand the need for revenge over this, however, as he's the sort of immature man who doesn't take being broken up with with a shrug of the shoulders and instead makes horrible lists like this I would not advise this.

I'd advise the grey rock being as boring as possible so he ends it or slow fade.

So I am someone who actually has written a con list about someone. I actually did it as a way to get over someone. It was a very long list and there were definitely things about his appearance etc. I wrote this list to help me get over him as I was completely in love with him.

You don't actually know his reasons for writing this or the headspace he was in at that time. I disagree with others on here that it means it has to be the end of what is now you a good relationship.

People change and relationships change over time. You have said yours improved significantly so something clearly changed for the better. But I do think you need to talk to him about it as it is bothering you.

Please ignore these aggressively 'helpful' people.
You have a lot to think about - maybe take a step back from this platform and let some of the noise settle.
It will be easier for you to think things through.
Take care xx

A friend had something similar with her live in boyfriend, something along the lines of him wanting a beautiful girlfriend. My friend had always been very self conscious about her looks anyway but clearly he felt he wanted more than her but was just cocklodging. @Devondigspigs I just couldn't unsee those words really. Im sure people do this a lot when weighing up relationships but to write it down was a big mistake. I think id let him go.

That sounds sensible and measured and you're probably right.
But Im talking about my likely reaction.
Id hope he was left making another list of what hes now lost ;)