Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I’m sorry OP, this must have been so awful to find out of the blue when you thought things were going well.
Three main things strike me, the first is that he was dishonest around how long he had been truly broken up. The second, and for me probably most important, he has let you know he is not a kind person, and this is the property that will be so important if you stay together and have children, health issues, elderly relatives to consider etc. I think this lack of kind element was why he didn’t care that he let you down at the work event and was willing to very publicly let you know how insignificant you were to him.
The third thing is that he allegedly didn’t fancy you but still wanted sex with you and I can’t help but think that was very possibly why he got back with you so fast.
It does sound like he is now fully invested in the relationship, but you have been given a very insightful (almost fateful) glimpse into who he really is. If you were my child I would hope you would now choose someone who thought you were amazing.

You can have all the conversations in the world with him, but now you know that he was able to regularly have sex with you that you thought was great, when he didn't fancy you. And you had no idea at all. You will never forget that; you will always have some niggling insecurity with him that he's faking it and that you're a place marker. I think it's dead in the water because of that.

You know he loves you??? Really. Even setting aside the fact he wrote he doesn’t fancy you… what about all the other very personal negative features he sees in you!!

I don’t think you’ll end it because you want a boyfriend come what may.

However someone like this will never want to take the next step. He won’t want to move in together; won’t want to marry; won’t want kids. He will just want to continue living alone with a girlfriend that he sees once a week or so.

OP are you on away alone? If not, are you with anyone you can discuss this with in real life?

A month later he came back wanting to try again,

this rather suggests he finished with you @Devondigspigs ?

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Thank you for sharing this x

"I'm a complete cow" 🤣🤣🤣

i don’t understand how you’ve ascertained from me saying multiple times I want a boyfriend come what may? I’m 34, I could have been in many sub par relationships before now and chose myself. I also chose myself last year when I broke up with him and will do so again if I see fit.

i do know he loves me, 100 percent in the last year. He didn’t love me at the time of writing the note and I didn’t love him. Despite loving me now, if he doesn’t fancy me I cannot stay with him as I would be doing myself a disservice.

i don’t know if you advise people IRL like this, but very abrasive to start saying things like “you won’t leave because you want a boyfriend”. You’re doing me down as the list has and if a girlfriend came to you in a time of vulnerability irl it would make her feel shit. Of course there’s more nuance to me leaving someone I love over something written a year ago

OP, you HAVE to talk to him about this. I agree it's pretty damning, and I don't think I could come back from this. The sheer number of things he wrote, and the meanness of them....I could never get aroused by him again. BUT, even if you break up with him, you will always wonder WTF. Please communicate with him - you will leave the relationship with a better sense of closure.

I don't understand why he ever got back with you if that's the way he feels. Fucking ungrateful muppet. What's the point of having someone in your life if you're just going to focus on all their flaws? What happened to concentrating on the good in your loved ones?

OP, I'm afraid for you that he still feels some or all of those things to some extent and that you're Miss Right-for-Now. He might be fond of you and like having someone to have regular sex with, but you might find yourself dumped for someone else at some point, and he'll have wasted your time. Not to mention your fertile years, if that's a concern for you.

I could never, after reading so many awful things. Just never. But I would talk to him about it.

a work trip and yes I do but in all honesty it’s quite humiliating and I wanted to get a clearer sense of what I wanted to do before bringing it to the table of people IRL if you get me

I would simply tell him I am removing the need to make lists of my supposed 'cons' by dumping him as I tried the same with him - but ran out of paper. Queen - you can do better than this Prince Charmless.

No, it was me that said “I am breaking up with you” but the process was us having conversations over a few days about it being shit if you get me. But me that did the breaking up. He initially agreed and then came back - think I meant in the OP that he didn’t beg me not to if you get me xx

Why do you keep asking this?

If he broke up with me - you seem convinced that I’m some weak woman trying to make out I’ve been strong and aren’t. There’d be no point posting an op with inaccurate fundamentals