Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I agree with this - you’re allowed to write your thoughts down and think them.

everyone saying im going to stay, looking for excuses etc - what do you think that’s going to help? I posted on here for advice, have broken up with him before. Medals for being better women than me?

I once found a very spiteful list my partner of twenty years had written about me. I was sorting the washing it was in a pocket... honestly. Whilst the things listed were petty and puzzling they were personal and very derogatory. I was greatly upset by them.
I was upset because of the man it revealed and his underlying motivation. I was very angry and defensive.
We discussed the list, and prior to the heated discussion I was pretty sure I was not prepared to live with him any longer.
What became apparent when we talked...and shouted about it, was that he was depressed. I was working long hours and he was taking front line responsibility, as an only child, for a very elderly cantankerous mother. Because both of us tend to deal with life through observational humour his true state of mind wasn't apparent. It was course, I just wasn't paying any attention to him as work was filling up my time.
Talking it through made a real difference and broadened our relationship. Anyway my point is the list you found may be a reflection of his state of mind when he wrote it rather than you, but your only going to find out by discussing it. Get over the' I've been a naught girl 'thing and get your adult head around dealing with this. It sounds like he's moved on significantly. Good luck.

Good grief… that’s just awful.

Op, run.

Never look back.

You’re deluded & making excuses for him, justifying his bad behaviour. He’s ripe to be taken from you by someone more attractive than you. It’s just a matter of when. That list attacked your looks & personality. It was game over since that day. You might not have known it at the time, but you do now. No amount of him apologising or explaining it away will fix it.

Thanks @Scorchio84

What I don’t understand is why. He was devastated when we split up (as was I). He STILL doesn’t know why he behaved in that way. Never did it with his first wife despite her having an affair with Its literally Je he was in punishing mode even if we had an altercation about missing shopping receipts.

Madness.

You feel righteous? For lying to your better half.
Lord help them.

Ooops! Crazy autocorrect! Apologies 😐

If the list was temporary stuff like “wears Wonder Woman pyjamas in bed” - “is a stone overweight” “wears purple lipstick I hate”. These are all things that are easily fixed. However, he’s attacked your looks, personality, intelligence, back history. These are things you can’t fix. So his list was his dump
certificate. You need to move on, and fast.

The list is not pleasant to find, but for the most part I think it is absolutely fine to make in a diary, that is what personal diaries are for, they are for writing your personal thoughts, working through things ect, they are private and others read them at their own peril (although I realise it was a genuine accident on your part). I say this as someone who kept a diary when younger and would be horrified it others read the thoughts of my younger self.

However, some of what he wrote was really very shallow, picking over the small elements of your appearance. I would say it may reveal an element of his personality that is at best not very attractive. It kind of reminded me of an ex boyfriend I had who was borderline abusive and had very low self esteem, he used to try to get me to lose weight even though I was size 8-10 at the time ect. That is not what your DP did though, if he had truly never voiced these concerns to you in any way. I have an absolutely lovely friend who when she started dating her now husband confided in me that she really liked him, but there were a few elements about his physical appearance she did not find so attractive, within a few months she was head over heels in love and seemed to have stopped noticing these (he is perfectly nice to look at but probably not her normal type but then also a lovely intelligent guy who is perfect for her). Maybe it is more of that kind of situation.

If he is normally lovely, there are no red flags, and you want to still have a relationship, I would try to talk to him calmly about it. You might want to even consider relationship counselling. If this is a deal
breaker for you though that is also perfectly valid I think, but if he is otherwise great I would probably talk to him first.

Im so sorry you came across this. Most woman would be devastated by this me included. I know it's hard but you have to tell yourself his opinions are of one ignorant little man's in a world full of them. I fjnd it strange that he writes lists like he is in high school so he seems very immature and has a huge ego. I think you are far better than this small minded person and you should not waste anymore time and keep looking for a real man who loves every part of you.

Yes very well put.

Did he mean for you to find it??
In your replies you seem to be excusing him and making excuses for his actions and words. Sounds like you really don’t want this to end the relationship, hence talking it through here. If you can forget you’ve seen it and make the excuses in your head, great. If not, bring it up now and say you’ve seen it - can only be honest!

I think the timing of as you split last time makes it forgivable. He’d have been angry and trying to validate being uncaring to you by picking holes in you, as well as trying to hit back in his mind for you daring to be someone who would let him go. If there’s ever a time you’d say lots of things you don’t mean it’s when you’re being broken up with because you’re a bit shit and you know it.

I find it interesting you say he wrote it the day you broke up. I did that once with an ex who broke my heart. Wrote down everything and anything that I wasn’t keen on so that when I was depressed and missed him I pulled up the list to try to jerk myself back to reality. It didn’t really work - I was still heartbroken and loved him deeply.

I know what you mean though that the comments re physical appearance are a bit damning. However the fact he came back though also tells you something - he was obviously still thinking of you months later despite that list.

What is your gut telling you?

I love it!

DUMP NOW!
Do you think that he has changed his mind on all the things on the list? No.
DUMP, DUMP, DUMP and find someone who loves you for who you are. Don't waste your time with a man child which he clearly is and a prick!

So the question is, what are you going to do now?

Are you going to park it as 'history' and move on with how you think the relationship feels now even though you may always have doubts

are you going to bring it up and open up a conversation that may be uncomfortable but might give you answers (maybe not the answers you want though)

or are you out

I’ve literally said I’m considering leaving him - you don’t need to pile on about “making excuses” - I’m not doing that, but it isn’t to do with “love” it’s to do with him not fancying me. If he loved me to the moon and back but thought I was gross looking, I couldnt stay. Hence why I need to ascertain how I feel

Have some petty revenge fun .... leave it out on a chair with a knife through it and some fake blood drops. Then do him a similar list. Then ask for the pros list. Then see if you can work it out

Gut wise I don’t know, which is why I posted here I think. It feels like such an awful comment, but if I hadn’t found it I’d think things were amazing. And as he wrote it so long ago things haven’t changed in that year - but obviously I’ve got that insight into his psyche now. If it was a note from last month I’d be gone

He may really fancy you though. Given when he wrote it, he may have been trying to ‘self soothe or he may not have fancied you that moment, or that night. I don’t fancy my other half when we have had a serious row. Given your guys autism, when he is upset, he might be very ‘in the moment’. Too many women on MN leap to “leave the bastard” without knowing all the facts.

For me, this would be a massive thanks, but no thanks, and what a lucky escape. He wrote this when you broke up and, according to your timeline, was almost immediately pestering you to get back together again. It wasn't as though he had had several months to realise how much he missed you.

It sounds as though he realised immediately that he didn't want to be on his own and magically adjusted this mental list to make your previous subpar self more acceptable to him. That would really not to be good enough for me. In the words of Bridget Jones, I want something more extraordinary!

Please read my previous reply earlier in the comments. When I met my husband who I have been with happily for 27 years, he had broken up with his wife 10 months earlier. His life was in turmoil for a couple of other reasons. The first few months were passionate and exciting but i felt him holding back and found out that he had been sharing his worries about us with his mum, who was an absolutely lovely person, although at the time I was fuming. A few months later he totally changed and became totally focussed in us and our future. If he had written a con list in those earlier months it might have read like your DP's. Don't write him off just yet. He was expressing himself. I think he was just working through his feelings.

Actions speak louder than words. So he wrote it a year ago when you broke up. I wrote some horrible things about an ex once purely to make myself feel better and to try and convince myself that he wasn’t a great loss. He’s showed up for the last year and you say it’s been great but sounds like you’re talking yourself into dumping him cos you can’t get over it. Maybe it’s not as great as you say and you’re looking for a reason to end things. If that’s the case let him go so he can find someone else

Perhaps he was trying to convince himself not to fall for you? I remember writing a similar list when I first met my now husband. I was coming out of a previous relationship and I think I almost didn’t want to let myself jump straight into a new one. So I made a list of all of his flaws (in my opinion) to try to make him seem less attractive!

Maybe it was a similar exercise!

This was 20 years ago and we’re now very happily married with 3 children.