Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this dilemma & at the same time, I wouldn't wish for you to be kept in the dark, regarding your boyfriend's honest feelings - If it were me, I'd rather know than live in denial or under the illusion of ignorance being bliss...
I think most oftentimes we sense when something's not quite right & we can clutch at straws, presuming numerous different possibilities -
Personally, I'd let my boyfriend know I'd accidentally come across this information & tell him I'd like to discuss it, admitting how it understandably upset my feelings -
At least this way he'd be able to put your mind at ease, re if it was his past feelings (written much time ago) & he might well be able to comfort & console you how his present feelings for you are much more positive in recent times now-I wish you the utmost best of outcomes

I stand by what I just wrote. I just wouldn’t touch someone who writes pros and cons list that isn’t immediately shredded after writing it.

You have no future with this guy.

you are young enough now to find someone new & have kids.

How you met is meant to be wonderful you tell your grandkids. Not some rebound where he writing scummy things about you, including your appearance, something you can’t do anything about. Also, you said he cheated on his ex. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I’m very black & white. Once you split up last year. Adios. Life’s too short to be with people who don’t put you no.1.

imagine you had kids with this chancer. You look a state, kids sick all over you, you’re exhausted and he’s still thinking of his “list”.

men are obsessed with looks. If he only feels “meh” about you, that’s bad news.

Oh you need to leave. This guy us a lying pathetic prat do not settle for someone like this you can do better xx

I feel kinda bad for the guy tbh. He wrote something never imagining anyone else would ever see it and he obviously wrote it in anger on the day you broke up. I bet he hasn’t given it a moment’s thought since hence not binning it. If he left it out carelessly then fair enough but you found this by sheer chance. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

It’s up to you at the end of the day but he’s sounds a better man than he was back then. You only to read on here how bad some men are. It’s your life but I have said things in the heat of the moment and regretted them and I believe a lot of people do this. Op he might have just written his down. It’s good you can discuss it as that might reassure you or break the relationship good luck either way.

@Devondigspigs

What a horrible thing to find.

I wonder why torn? Perhaps intended to be destroyed?

You’ve said yourself, things are better this time. He wrote that when the relationship was bad.

He sounds very analytical. And we’ve all done those lists when we’re trying to get mental clarity.

He’s said you were a slow burn. In my experience that is better for longevity in a relationship, but also potentially explains his perceived lack of surface attraction to you.

Judge him on how he is now, how he treats you, how he behaves. That’s what matters.

Accept this is him from the past before he realised how he actually felt about you.

I think burning the letter will help you to let it go. Do it with significance. It’ll probably be quite therapeutic. Yeah, sure, people will say ‘but it’s not yours to burn’. Frankly, I don’t think he’ll ever notice or realise. But if he’s ever hunting around the place looking for something, and looking perplexed, maybe he’s remembered and is trying to find so that you don’t. IF that ever happens, maybe you can mention you found it, but realised it was old, from the bad time, and that you thought best to just get rid of it.

You have been defending him a lot on here so I think you are looking for permission to stay in the relationship. You must do what you think is best but I think this will always be at the back of your mind and could cause problems if there are rough patches in the future. Definitely talk to him about it and his response could be the thing that helps to make up your mind about leaving or making a completely fresh start. Good luck!

I am a man and find this behaviour unbelievable.
Get rid immediately .He is a cunt.

GET OUT NOW.. he either loves you or he doesn’t…. Come on!

OP please don't do anything rash. A lot of people are writing off your relationship based on something written a year ago. That's not the relationship you have now. Perhaps he was trying to find reasons why he should accept the split. You wonder if you can believe him now - but maybe he didn't mean everything he wrote at the time, he was trying to make himself feel better that you'd ended it. Maybe in the time you were apart he realised what he'd lost.

Talk to him. Be calm and rational. Tell him how it's made you feel. And see how he responds. If he seems genuinely devastated that you've found it, you can move forward. If he's defensive and tries to turn it round to being your fault, then you know that ending it is the right thing to do. But I'd hate you to throw away something good over something that isn't true anymore.

AIBU thinking I’m being taken advantage of? I’m 15 years older than my DP (he’s 48) and we’ve been together 5 years, living in a house together bought 2 years ago - two thirds with my cash and the moving and legal expenses covered by me, the remainder one third with a mortgage in joint names but he pays it. Bills are joint and worked out fairly for the most part. His 12 year old child lives with us part time. I feel concerned he’s using me for living stability as couldn’t afford a nice house by himself, that he’ll leave me high n dry once his child leaves home. What would you do?

You appear to be lacking a spine
and any financial sense whatsoever

he must be glorious in bed @PoisedBlueFinch

Do people actually use pen and paper any more?

I'm probably going against the grain but these were his inner thoughts at a time when he was newly out of a relationship and things were a little rough. I dont think he feels this way now. He was working through it and came back asking for a second chance. If you can I would try to forget you saw it. If you cant watch for any repeat of bad behaviour but I think he adores you now and has worked through any doubts.

Poor kid

Ignore it. Here is why:

1. He is entitled to his own fears and anxieties.
2. He is entitled to his privacy.
3. IMPORTANT: he made a list of every reason not to, and then deepened his relationship with you anyway.

You present his list as someone who wrote down his fears and then worked through them. It seems, according to you, that he has just entered the beginning of the "in it for the long haul stage" in your relationship. You could absolutely derail that stage by how you approach this.

If it bothers you too much, just ask him. Be sure to apologize about reading it and make yourself calm, quiet and ask questions about what he thinks, why he thinks that. Try to understand what he thinks and why.

Remember, his list of of your perceived "negatives" is about him and not you. It is a list of his anxieties when it comes to relationships with women. More likely it is a list of his own failings, perceived or real, that he has not examined yet.

Putting aside the list issue, it seems to me that @Devondigspigs has not even addressed the issue about how she will deal with his autism should she continue with this man and they marry.

If that's the case then she's either so besotted that all sense has gone about him or a just a teeny bit arrogant.

Oh yes it's easy - or not so bad- when you're not cohabiting or married.
Even then it can be a pita when a meltdown stops them going somewhere.

I remember my autistic ex-bf was supposed to come to my house (living at home with parents at time) for a Boxing Day meal.
He walked down the steps and then literally turned back shaking his head.
I was like, what?!!!

It was so embarrassing. Mortifying.
He just couldn't face it, apparently.
He'd met my parents lots of times and they got on well.

Then there's the lack of empathy - not that they're bad people at all -but simply not picking up on normal expressions of emotion.

Who wants to be explaining things all the time?
Why should women be acting like mothers to these men? It annoys me so much.

Then the need for space. You can't have that in a family unit unless you've got a mansion!

I don't think that this man is suited to a normal family life as most would understand it.
Sorry to be harsh.

The OP needs to just end it.
I can only think that a very crude term about how a woman can be so sexually besotted by a man that all sense goes applies here because there's so many reasons to end it.

Keeping secrets from your 'partner' - not good, not good at all.

@PoisedBlueFinch Ar.e you both tenants in common? It sounds as if the odds are stacked in his favour tbh, you need legal advice

I couldn't go.out with him any more. It's still early in the relationship so dump him.

Honestly, don't stay with this man or stay if you need a man for money, etc.
I made this mistake, the list was told to me and we are together now 15 years later. I needed a man and stayed, but I cannot make myself sleep with him now

There's some great insight here OP and I think you would serve yourself (and your partner) best by prioritizing it. I'm autistic, could write things that my husband would not like hearing, and actually did write a pros and cons list before we got together. it was a slow burn start and 2 decades later he continues to be absolutely the love of my life. All the best.

Building attraction? Attraction should be one of the foundations at the beginning of a relationship, as there hasn’t been time for anything else to build.

Lowering expectations of what a relationship should be at 34?

If it’s not there, it’s not there. I personally couldn’t get past this. The list is pretty horrible with unpleasant personal comments. It’s not neutral things like ‘unsure we have similar interests’ or ‘we have some different values’. These are really quite horrible personal comments.

Yeah its called privacy...
Some of us need it...even in a partnership. And trust me...it feels good when you know you are righteous.

I mean it’s nothing to do with love - I know he loves me but you can love someone and not fancy them which isn’t what I want