Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I wouldn't see a future with somone who had wrote these things down about me it would always be on my mind I dont see how you can go forward knowing he wrote these things down emotional or not you will have to be honest and tell him youve seen it.

Unless he can genuinely & honestly say I was in a bad place it really does depend on how it makes you feel going forward.

Did he say you weren't Rachem?

Run in the opposite direction asap

I would write down all the minus sides to him, staple it to the list and hand it to him. Let him know how that feels. Forget you've done anything wrong cos the fact that he actually wrote down these things coupled with what he actually wrote by far outstrip you reading it in the out of order stakes. Trust me this will never leave your mind and will affect your confidence and trust. Who on earth does he think he is? Noone is perfect but we are attracted to others for lots of reasons. Most people dont pursue relationships where they have so many negatives against the person and they dont fancy them. What was in it for him at that point? I had one like that. Still in love with ex. After 16 years of feeling like some sort of compensation prize he had to make do with i left cos even when he made effort I knew it was cos he felt he had to and he found me useful to have around in the absence of his first choice who was no longer an option. At first I was so in love with him I settled for being the consolation prize and tried hard to get him to notice how good I was at this or that. Went on diets. Dyed my hair. Put up with his horrible friends and annoying family. In the end nothing I did, said or became made any difference. It wasnt about me. It was about him. It was easier to be with me than on his own. I wanted someone who fell in love with me for who I am same as I did with him. The relationship started stalling when I stopped making stupid amounts of effort. He stopped any effort. I confronted him and he admitted he still had feelings for his ex. I ended it and felt bitter initially over the wasted years but was free to be myself and meet someone attracted to me who wanted to know me warts and all. I never looked back and I actually wonder what I ever saw in him. You might be able to patch it up but would have to live with the doubt unless he actually does something to prove what you mean to him. Good luck with it all.

This!! I wouldn’t be able to forget what I’d read or not mention seeing it. I wouldn’t be over for me.

Oh my gosh you poor thing. This is horrendous. I know all the bad points of me that someone could write but someone actually doing it would sting so much. Especially when they’ve got back with you, so are they “settling”. I’m not saying they are because you’re clearly a better person than him but I mean is that what he thinks. Ugh no advice but I couldn’t get past that

I think it is normal to write some form of pros list/character assassination when you’ve been dumped. Rather than pining woe is me it’s a more combative “pot meet kettle” style.

😂😂😂

I can’t see many people writing a pros list about someone who had dumped them hours before. Do you?

You should be with a man who really wants you and thinks you are wonderful. You certainly want to to be with a man who’s proud of you.
That’s all that matters really.
If you’re lucky enough to find this, you can get through any difficulties together.
I’ve got a couple of your alleged faults including working too much and scoliosis leading to bad posture. I also have other faults you don’t mention such as being a moody cow. My husband can’t see these ‘cons’ at all.
As for this individual, if he thought those things a while ago, he still thinks them. He’s a twat and you deserve better.

Of course you can go from fancying someone to not fancying them (particularly if you are trying to list all their bad points in the first instance!) I knew my DH for years before we got together, always liked him but didn’t fancy him until we got pissed, did the deed and thought we should start getting to know each other properly. Then I fell head over heels for him and still fancy the pants off him to this day.

Omg that’s awful, I would never be able to forgive him for putting this down on paper and allowing you to see that horrible list!
That list sounds so cruel and insensitive and he’s an idiot, dump him and find someone who appreciates you!

I just don’t know if you can go from not fancying someone to fancying them

tricky

I would have a conversation with him and give him the opportunity to explain. If you don’t, you will always be wondering and if it’s so great the you owe him the opportunity to at least explain.

I think you might have put your finger on it here. It sounds like when he wrote that list he was still reeling (emotionally), hadn't fully processed the break up.

I could understand it if writing lists was a "comfort" thing. I'm not autistic, but I know that at times of emotional / relationship stress I try to "hyper-analyse" things (in an attempt to try to understand / get control of the situation) ... and it doesn't always serve me well.

If your relationship in the past year has been good then I think I would advise trusting in that. Talk to him, yes, of course you have to do that; allow yourself to accept his explanations, and move on. I get the feeling you want guarantees - but life doesn't deliver guarantees, you have to trust in what you have.

Please do not continue this relationship. You are worth more. Unacceptable disgraceful abnormal judgemental behaviour. The most important point being he does not know anything bc about you. Good luck moving on x

He does - he said it first and basicqlly said at the time I’m sorry I was so shit at the start

In my mind, I would think it’s over.

If you look the same now as then, then this is what he thinks of your appearance now.

as other posters have said, at the beginning of a relationship, you need to be thinking your partner is the best thing ever, regarding looks, personality etc.

Seems like he has a long list of criticisms as well.

I would be straightforward. Ask him to come over and say it accidentally fell out, you weren’t snooping. Ask him to explain himself.

During a break, you will be hot headed and think the worst of a partner, that’s everyone. He could reply he’s so embarrassed & realises he was a fool & his head was in the wrong place etc due to the recent split.

My advice to you and everyone is never ever date someone who has just split up with someone serious. Their head will be all over the place, they will be tearful about the lost love, potentially begging to get back with them 24/7, they will be fantasising about having sex with them whilst you are having sex with them. In short, a terrible place to be in.

someone needs about 2 years to get over a divorce.

Plus, finances have to be worked out, readjustment to single life, working out how to look after yourself when single.

at no point should you jump into a new relationship
when your head is a mess. A new relationship will
just compound the problem.

You need quiet me time alone, to work through the broken relationship, reassess what went wrong, lessons learned etc. Not feel pressure on a new relationship when you are tearful & depressed, angry, bitter etc.

When are you next seeing him?? Ie when you you plan to confront him? Have you spoken to him since last Saturday?

Yes spoken as usual, we usually would see each other by now but I’m away (so planned). And yes I’m preparing what to say x

How’s it been when you have spoken to each other? What happened when you found it? Did you leave immediately?

Are you away on your own or is there someone that you your can chat with in RL about this?

Ok, autistic guys loooove long distance relationships. They are amazing at masking and will say whatever you need to hear. Its perfect now. Its going to be a nightmare, and i mean a litteral nightmare, when you move in together.

His ex..i bet he says she was explosive, argumentative and violitile. As thats what a lot of women become like once living with autistic men. Some withdraw and get sick. I know too much about it sadly...

This happened to me, I was 25 and found a list from my 28yo boyfriend with pros and cons of moving in with me, complete with calculations of how much rent he’d save… it wasn’t as personal but there was something along the lines of “thinking with head not heart”. He was also not over an ex (who he had cheated on). I actually had to check the ages on your post to check it couldn’t be the same man.

it didn’t work out for us (I found out he lied about a lot of things) and thank god because he was a serial liar who thought he was better than everyone else (including me obvs) and was never, ever over his ex, I think they’re actually back together years on. I married someone who would never even think to write a list and who committed quickly with no ex hang ups. I didn’t marry a perfect man but I married for a love which was simpler and more caring, who didn’t make me feel insecure.

I wouldn’t like to advise someone what to do next but I know how it feels, to be reduced to bullet points. You aren’t worth less than him, he doesn’t get to decide your bad points. You’re possibly considering marriage and children and worrying 34 is too late to start again. But there will be a love which will still be there when you need helping to the toilet after having their baby and won’t blink at your 2 stone of baby weight and no makeup, who will rub your swollen ankles and bring you toast in bed, because relationships get to the yucky stage at some point and you need to feel loved when they do. Find someone who won’t leave you fretting at home when they’re out for work drinks or away on business. It’s easier to start again at 34 than at 44 with two children and there’s someone out there who will adore you.

Are you waiting for more red flags?