Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

A journal doesn’t usually have dates but in any event… who writes a pro list when the relationship is OVER??

hmm I dunno. If it was genuinely written the day you broke up, and he was cut up about it, it may be that he was just trying to make himself feel better, it maybe doesn’t reflect how he ever felt. I mean I love my husband but I’m sure I could write a long list of negative points if I felt like it.

on the other is very hurtful to see and not m not sure I could get past it either x

Have you seen him since last sat? When are you next due to?

I agree with @Boreded but you don't want to end it so you won't . From bitter experience I fear that you'll put years into this relationship only to live to regret it. And I think you'll struggle to put these mean remarks out of your head. I would. And how terribly shallow of him. I wonder what your cons list would've said. You've got a big one to write on it now!

He told me again that he was going hiking whilst I stayed home “to consider whether he wanted to divorce” me. He’d done it so very many times. I got to a state of feeling worthless and unwanted.

It was exhation really. I loved him but his total lack of emotional regulation, his inability to communicate depleted me too much. He’d tell me I added no value/he gave everything and got little in return… no loving wife needs to hear that.

I’m still not fully recovered. I’m getting there!

I can really empathise @MyFairLady22 I'm on the other side now but it did take a long time x Here's some unmumsnet-y (I'm told) flowers for you to help you stay strong 💐💪

If it was written the day you first split was it to help him feel better about himself as though by writing it your split wasn’t a big deal but maybe he was upset angry. I would be hurt too but if it’s going well he obviously does like you and fancy you. Does he ever say he’s in love with you this would make my mind up for me. The fact he ripped it out probably means it wasn’t true and he meant to throw it away also if these cons were important why come back. If it makes you feel better my first bf said he didn’t even fancy me although happy to have sex but love was never mentioned by him once and that stung but it’s done now.

It’s seems relevant to me that he had torn the list out of the journal - which kind of indicates it was something that he didn’t want to remain part of his journalling ? Ie a mistake or something he wasn’t proud of .

I think you need to tell him the book fell and the list dropped out and ask him to explain . As simple as that . I think his face and reaction will tell you what you need to know .

But why would he also include a pro list!

to me having a pro and con list means he was weighing up ether or not to finish with the OP. So not on the day the Op had dumped him

I would run for the hills; sorry OP, there is no future in this relationship, and quite honestly, why would you want there to be? You deserve far better

Did you ever find the pros list?

He may still be keeping a list/spreadsheet.

Look, there are things on a cons list I could get past, like ‘eats shawarma in bed’ or something, if i found one about me. But ‘don’t fancy her’ ‘got no depth’ and ‘not proud of her’ are so personal and mean I would be out.

Very sensible. Good luck! 💐

I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

so is he tight?

How bad much have things been before that you walked away, but you appear to be inclined very much not to walk away now?!

This man was truly vile. As in bona fide abusive

Are you dating Mr Fucking Perfection or below average twat? He sounds cruel and hideous. Get rid, rid and then rid. Imagine sharing your day/night with this numb nut.
There are no positives to him so don't waste anymore time. And stop mulling it over, if you love and care for someone it's for all the foibles and everything that makes them who they are. He hasn't a clue lovely.

What a weirdo! Why waste time writing him a note or letter? Hand his juvenile note back to him and tell him you’re done! Plenty more fish in the sea and all that!

The fact it was dated the day you finished with him sounds like he was venting and perhaps saying things he didn't necessarily think, but using to convince himself you weren't right for him.

I still don't know that I'd be able to move on from it though.

That said, I do think it's normal for attraction to grow. When I was 27 I dated a man a fair bit older than me (and it showed - he did NOT look young for his age), he was shorter than me (not something I would normally go for) and if we are being blunt, without wanting to sound vain, in those days, I was probably a 9 to his 5! BUT. He grew on me, and I found myself finding him really attractive! If I were to have written a list, (which I'd never have done!), it wouldn't have started off very complimentary, but we went on to have a lovely relationship for a couple of years. I'd NEVER have written a list though, it just feels very off!

You also have to out yourself as someone who read something that was clearly his private thoughts. Albeit stupid of him to commit them to paper.

Yes it’s hurtful, me personally I’d do a list about how I felt at that time, then sit down with him tell him you found the list and in fact you had your own then compare lists and do another about how you’re feeling now you deserve to know if you’re just a stop gap till someone else better comes along

He's ghastly. You guys broke up, he tried to get someone 'better', he couldn't so now he will settle for you despite all the flaws he sees.
Just throw him back. Find someone who appreciates and values you.
He sounds very full of himself. Imagine him judging you like that. And this is the fun romantic stage.
Honestly. You can do better.

PS id absolutely have read that list too. Can't believe anyone wouldn't 😂

Exactly what I was going to say! Do a list including the fact that his bmi is higher than yours & see what he says. Then you can discuss his list and try to establish whether he was just angry at the time or still feels that way but is staying with you until someone else comes along. It wouldn't be quite so bad if he had written pros as well, this was quite negative and unpleasant so will be hard to get past I think.

Have you ever sat with your girl friends listing ‘pros and cons’ of a prospective boyfriend? I’ve heard some pretty vicious stuff!

OP, I think the initial thing to note when you talk to him will be his reaction; if he’s defensive or dismissive or hones in on you reading his diary, that will tell you everything. I’d be devastated if I’d written this list and the person I now love had found it and was hurt. If he isn’t apologetic and intent on reassuring you and rebuilding the trust, I don’t see how you can continue the relationship.

Regardless, you’ll need time to see whether you’ll be able to move past this. On one hand, I’ve experienced both slow burn attractions and positive rekindlings but for him to be so cruel about you is alarming. Were there any pros on the list?? I wouldn’t just accept ‘I wrote it when I was in a bad place’ because what will he do the next time you hit a rough patch?

Personally, I don’t think I could forget those comments; I’d think that was in the back of his mind and he was forcing things, so the trust would be broken.