Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

If your hair wasn't fried OP, is it definitely about you? Could it be about the woman he'd broken up with recently (not that it makes his judgy nasty list any better, but at least not personal to you).

I haven’t confronted him yet - I’m writing down exactly what I want to say and what I want out of the conversation before I do (I often find when I’m emotional I’m swayed by words and don’t want that)

Ignore me OP, just reread and can see it had your name on and too late to edit. Doh.

He wrote a list of your "cons" like you were a commodity. No.

This is supposed to be the good bit. He's treating it like he is doing you a favour. The second he finds someone he fancies he will be off.

I'd leave his list out and leave.

Wow, sending it to the person is just mean! I bet you were sure you’d made the right decision after you received that

He doesn't like not being in a relationship. He has a type and you're that type. To me, he listed those points, (which, fuck, he comes off like an incel) and decided you were an acceptable GF for now. You're Ms Right Now but not Ms Right.

Is the relationship progressing like you'd like? Does he go out of his way for you?

His negativity about you, and not just your looks, make me think he's using you. The remarks about anxiety, your work, and that you had no depth, big, big side eye to him here. That he didn't fancy you but was having sex with you anyway, also sounds misogynistic and that's definitely him settling. He's got an idea of the gf he wants and it's not you.

But see what he says. You do need to talk to him about this.

I was indeed!

This has probably already been said up thread (too many posts) there was a similar thread recently except the list was found on the partners phone when he was in the shower. The negative points were virtually the same. Have you posted before?

You don’t know for sure the list was written on the day you broke up as it wasn’t dated.

You are desperately hoping it was written then. But who includes a “pro list” if they’re writing it when the relationship is over anyway?

when are you next due to see him?

Tell him to do one omg that's such a weird thing to do definitely a red flag

You haven’t see him since Saturday? When are you due to next?

I agree. I wouldn't be able to keep quiet about what I'd found either! You have every right to be upset.

I like the way you think and are.

Speak to him. It's the only way. You've thought through it all and assessed the situation in a very wise way.

I'm really sorry love, but WHAT A SHALLOW KNOB!!! Don't make excuses for him writing this list but on the other hand he has inadvertently shown you who he is!

It was dated xx

Sorry OP, this would all be a dealbreaker for me

Tbh if you can’t talk to him about this I don’t think you have a relationship worth saving

You are NOT unreasonnable because it does hurt to know your partner does not necessarily fancy you.
AND
You did not do anything wrong, c'mon! The note fell...you were meant to see it.
You were meant to see that he is capable of evolving, he is open to true love ( vs lust) and that he clearly values what you bring to the table. FLAWS and ALL
So, my pov is that you put the note back and swallow your ego( I knoow, I know...it hurts but this too shall pass); be grateful for what you are having with him NOW.
Truth is there are always going to be some sexier woman or smarter...so what? He is with you you surely must be a great combo of the two!
( if not you could always diet, hit the gym, adjust your posture, have a haircut...blabla...we are in an era where glowup are so accessible. Do it. But do it for you)

He wrote it, he thought it! That’s not really going to change. I’d leave and write him a parting letter.

My ex husband used to do this regularly. I loved him… he loved me but every bloody year of our marriage he’d do a “Mike drop” if we were having words. He’d ask for a divorce, then ignore me for a week. Eventually, through lack of self esteem, I’d grovel and all would return to normal but (and here’s the kicker) … he’d email me in the “Coventry” period of radio silence and do a full “pros & cons” list of our staying together or not.

I cannot imagine that I lived through this now. It was soul destroying and for years I’d try to be “better”.

I’m not sure it’s good to be with such an emotionally bereft man. Seriously, it’s taken me four years to realise I actually am a good person and was an excellent wife.

No, you ought not to have read his notebook but you did. And the lesson is that you need to think very long and hard about staying with him.

Maybe, on the other hand, you might present him with your own list? My guess is, he wouldn’t be that interested. You’re already deemed unfit for purpose.

Find someone who loves you “just the way you are”.

What finally made you see sense to make him an ex?

This is a good plan. I think it’s really important that you discuss it together. You said earlier that you kind if know what he will say (timing etc), but the conversation needs to push post that and explore how you feel. Also, don’t feel bad about reading it. Anyone would have done so.

I’m sorry that people haven’t read your updates and you have to keep repeating that it was written on the night you broke up 🤷‍♀️

You didn’t read his diary ..you read a note that fell out with your name on it . Everyone would so dont apologise for that . One day someone will think you are perfect for them .its not him. To comment on your posture is the one that got me !! I couldn’t relax after that and no way would wanting to be “standing up straight enough” for the rest of my life …just horrid .

How cruel I would tell
him to do one .

@LadeeLove

”Be grateful for” … ????