Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

So not mid dating before you broke up? Your first post is quite confusing. Or are there two lists?

So what you need to establish with him is did he write it after you ended it or before....

Thinking things in turbulent times is one thing, but going to the trouble of writing them down...? Who does this? Is he Ross Geller?

I've written lists to help me clarify my thoughts about someone. I think many people do. What's awful here though is the just don't fancy her, the fried hair comment, well, all of it really.... With zero positives. And yet.... He came back after one month... I'd be wondering why exactly... Ex didn't want him back? Realised he wasn't exactly a catch and OP still wanted him, despite her frizzy hair or other perceived objections to her physical presentation.

I thought it was based on the book of the same name?

This
I wouldn’t even be on mumsnet id be boxing his stuff up and photocopying the list 50 times and putting a copy on each box to remind him why he needs go away!

Yes a self help book wasn't it.

You're right it is but I they based it on that episode, the book authors were writers on the show AFAIR

The film is on Netflix currently

Edit SATC Season 6, Episode 4 in case anyone wants to watch the episode

Sorry, but I find this batshit crazy. You know how you feel about someone without categorising their perceived failings and physically writing them down. It's one thing to write a journal entry about things you are struggling with, but a list purely about someone's flaws is just horrible. If someone feels the need to do this, they probably shouldn't be with that person in the first place.

That makes no sense.

The thing is even if none of this had happened life would still be difficult in the long run with him.
Even if you 'got' him.

Even if you met, he was really into you and you knew it, you'd never split up, there was no list you'd still be facing the life of a NT person with an autistic man.

A friend was married to an autistic man.
He would often not turn up to events.
Now to be fair, I do think there was no malice there but he'd be 'frozen' on the sofa. I witnessed it once.

He also got a job that he was good at.
One day, though, he had to drive to a different location for a meeting 40 miles away.
He developed a flu- like illness and decided he couldn't do the job any more.
I'll never forget going down to Sainsburys to pay the bill for her weekly shop as the card she had to pay for it bounced. She was too ashamed to tell her family.

Look I'm not saying he was a bad person at all nor am I saying ALL autistic men would do this. Not at all, but these behaviours are often associated with autism.

Then there's the lack of empathy as NT's understand it.

That is so hard to bear. It really is.

I'll also add that this list is separate to the autism to my mind.
This list is purely because he's a berk.

Sometimes if we concentrate on what our life would actually be like if we got our heart's desires it grounds us and brings us back to reality.

Then again if you're dead set on him nothing much anything anyone can say will make you see sense.

It reads like a rather childish hissy fit to me, sort of getting his own back for feeling rejected.

Not sure what fried hair is, but I think I might have it.

Not sure what fried hair is, but I think I might have it.

This made me 😂@cabus

I agree.
I can't stand men who have hissy fits.
They have a habit of getting violent and aggressive.

Not trying to excuse him but there might be a chance he wrote it as a way of trying to come to terms with the end. I did this once after someone broke up with me - a cons list about him and a pros list about the breakup. It made me feel a bit better but it was all a bit pointless because he was the one who left. I was heartbroken and would’ve taken him back despite his annoying laugh or backne or whatever I’d written. I think his actions over the past year have shown you a lot, but now that you’ve seen the list it will be hard to forget

Hahah! My hair at the time was extensions that cost quite a lot of money so no idea where that came from 😀

to clarify again - the list was written on the day I broke up with him. This day was during a time where we were breaking up - having a lot of conversations around breaking up - before I did it. In turn, that was a week a few months into when we met, when he’d been quite shit and not invested.

we got back together and for a year things have been good

I didn’t fancy my now DH first time around, OP: it was a rebound relationship for me, and I soon ended it because it didn’t feel right. When we met again (over six months later), at a mutual friend’s, I was in a completely different headspace and fancied him like mad. (Still do!)

So you don't have fried hair and I expect your posture is normal.

So definitely an untrue hissy fit, I can imagine a stroppy kid writing that.

I think you need to see how things go after you talk to him OP, see what he has to say.

Well now you know what's behind the mask, don't you?
A petulant childish man who writes stupid little flipping lists like this.
It's not good.

Separate issue: Have you given any though about what your long-term future with an autistic man may look like or are you just so in love you've given it no thought whatsoever?

Because all those women saying how tough it can be are not lying.

Also the date means nothing. It could have been written last week.

Yes, I had someone write a list like this about me, after I broke up with him. (He then sent it to me!) I can see it was meant to make him feel better/take control of a situation that wasn’t of his choosing.

This ^^^^

It’s the tone of it that would give me pause, OP. He is saying very mean-spirited things about you. It reads like he doesn’t like you very much. If I were you I’d be worried that he secretly held me in contempt. I wouldn’t be able to get past it

Have you confronted him yet?

Indeed there are. There are things your heart can't forget

The thing is, even if he didn't mean anything with that silly list, it's an unusual and immature way of dealing with the breakup.

It's not for everyone but I'd be asking him if you left him today, would he write another list and what would be on it?

Absolutely.