Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

OP sorry I'm a bit confused. In your original post, you state he wrote the Cons list before you ended it. But in a subsequent post that it was done on the actual night that you ended it?

In my mind, the first scenario is worse than that the second. But which is true?

Not sure I'd be able to forget the first one unless he started pooping gold coins out of his backside 😂 The second scenario, then I'd say he's trying to find reasons to dislike you if he wrote it after you ended it.

But then you ended it because he let you down and it was turbulent. Etc etc.

I've made lists about men but there have always been positives and appearance was never one of them. He sounds quite shallow in some ways.

Again, only you know the score. But which scenario is correct?

I think it changes it that he wrote it on the night you broke up, not just during the bad patch.

That makes it feel like he was upset and trying to convince himself that he was better off without you after it was already over.

I think that is different to if it were the week before and you were together.

You need to have an honest and nonconfrontational discussion about this, otherwise it will just niggle away at you.
Talk to and listen to him. Explain how you accidentally saw it, and that unfortunately, it can't be unseen.

The original post says it was before.

Good point. "Building attraction... " Either it's there, it's growing, or it isn't. To have to discuss building it is kind of odd. Either someone wants you, or they don't. It's really that simple.

The fact he has written a pro-con list says he's having difficulty making a decision.
The rest is your supposition.

Apologies - the date is on the night I said let’s break up, but we’d had a couple of days of conversation around things either side. I checked the cal after posting this ans it was the night I ended things (but the process was drawn out if you get me). Essentially I/ he knew it was ending for a while before that point too

Yeah, so what?
This is aibu.
People present opinions based upon what is presented.

In my opinion, he is a fecking weirdo for making a list like this concerning this issue in the first place.
It's not like a shopping list fgs.

It indicates that he sees women as a selection of body parts.

I wouldn't be surprised if she comes across a list rating her sexual performance.
Or a list comparing her to other women.

Not that I suspect that there's many other women on that list as a man with inner confidence (which is attractive) doesn't need to do this AND because he's hanging out with a woman he seems to me not to be that into.

It was more geared towards more generally how we feel about love lust attraction and he’s someone who needs emotional investment before feeling fully there - not me saying “how do I grow your attraction to me”. In this context I was saying I didn’t like casual relationships if that makes sense x

Ok then

He was clearly having difficulty making a decision - but this was a year ago and I took that decision away by breaking up. Things have been great since

Apologies for the confusing op. It was written on the night we broke up, but we’d been really breaking up for a few days before and a bit after.

Good. And that list only represents what he was feeling/thinking at that moment in time.
Emotions change.
If things are good now I would leave it.
Or shred it and pay it no heed.
The past is the past.

Out of interest, what were the pro's?

I haven't rtft (yeah I know!) But honestly sometimes, something unfortunate happens that is a shame but changes how you permanently feel and the future course of things. This sadly sounds like it could have been one of those moments.

Without doubt, if you have any chance of getting over it (and the pro's list might help there) you need to talk to hom about it. Both of you need to be very honest. It will be painful but it's the only genuine way through, or it will always be there, festering.

I think if the guy isn't into you physically then it's a no. I don't doubt that he really likes you and that things are good now. But the idea of him writing a list, when men know- they don't need lists. I think you'll always wonder. Pls don't stick around

So it wasn't written before you broke up and got back together, which was what you replied to another poster? It was actually written after you ended it? So there's a date on it, or a dated diary page?

Not sure I'd get past the "just don't fancy her" comment if it was written beforehand. But maybe I'm just fussier and need to be desired as much as I desire the other person. If written in anger AFTER you ended it, that changes things.

All I can say is as an older women, you learn. Don't settle. The confusion you are feeling is good. It's protection. It's telling you to reevaluate, maybe change course. Reconsider. At the very least, keep your options open and scale back your own level of investment in him.

Don't be a fool for anyone X

Unfortunately while your claim that the past is the past is correct.
That's not how people work in relationships.
There are always grudges.

Is it possible he was journalling to try and make himself feel better about being dumped?

If he's very sensitive to rejection (can be linked with autism) this could be a coping mechanism. I know if I'm hurt/ at the end of a relationship I would try to focus on any little negative things I could think of about the person to try and make myself less upset at being rejected. I could easily see myself writing a list like this to try and reframe a rejection and lessen how anxious being rejected makes me feel.

I would put this list down to his thinking at the time and take his current actions as the best insight into how he feels now.

And if not grudges per se, then people simply can't forget when a partner has really hurt them, caused harm, been cruel, said hurtful things or been deceptive.

OP isn't married thank goodness. Much easier to free herself from a man who seems to have never truly found her attractive and to be free to meet other men.

My ex banged on about bonding and getting to know me much better before sex and really needing an emotional connection first. It was all bullshit but he was a good actor as he knew he had limited options and was definitely settling for me. He was obsessed with his ex, still is and probably always will be. Just trying to give an example of how many men will settle. He had his eye on stability and support from me, but was never really attracted to me.

Don't settle for a man who states he doesn't fancy you. He's showing you who he is.

When are you next due to see him?

@Devondigspigs
Either you are a very polite person who sees threads that you've started through to the end or you're madly in love with this man.
I know this because you are doggedly trying to get to the bottom of it.

My thoughts are that you will ignore those who are telling you he's a wrong'un-
Which he is- and carry on regardless.

You are so in love that you are living for the present and not even considering how difficult life can be for a NT person to be with an autistic man in the long run.
It is f*ing exhausting.
Meltdowns, not being reliable if he suddenly decides he can't face something, little empathy as NT people understand it.

I wouldn't be a 'pick me' for somebody like him but you do you, as they say.

you Can’t be sure of that as you say it wasn’t dated.

You are assuming that

why would anyone be writing a pro list on the night a relationship had finished?

Sorry again - I’ve not been very clear here as I checked dates but to confirm:

• it was written on the day I ended things. We’d had a few days of ending things but it was on the day I actually ended it
• he then came back, we worked through things, got back together and that brings me to now

It WAS dated it’s a torn out page of the diary

When I first met my dp I didnt fancy him but the more I've got to know him the more sexy I think he is so it is possible to change your feelings. If people could see into the inside of our heads we'd all be single. I think you should stay and talk it through x