Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I kinda disagree. The love I have for my spouse results in me desiring him more. He also (sorry tmi) has good skills.

said multiple times I’m not determined to stay with him, I will break up with him if I can’t get past it (as I did a year ago). I just wanted to get holistic views on the situation.

its difficult because you can think what you want and also write tiat down - it only because malicious imo if he meant for me to see it. The nefarious part is if he’s still thinking that and hasn’t communicated it, continued sleeping with me etc which is what ill need to establish

How will you establish that? Take what he says at face value? Or something else?

I think I need to see how I feel but also address it directly. There’s definitely a weight on replies here that he’s a shit compared with ones that say attraction can grow etc

i think yiu are being sensible, OP. I agree, if you weren’t meant to find it and it was written in a personal diary- you weren’t intended to see it and it was probably to allow him to work through. It’s not malicious or sinister. But you have seen it, and you cannot now un-see it. So you have to address it.

You did the same thing, in a different way, when you weighed up whether to end your relationship the first time- you may not have written in down so starkly or have different things that were “cons” for you. I’d guess, when you decided to take him back, you also had a pro vs con list- even if not structured that way and not written down. We all do it, it’s just that our thoughts can’t be read- something for which I know I, for one, am grateful for.

The issue isn’t the existence of a written list. It’s that what was on that list has led you to think he has “settled” for you, and he does not feel the way he says he does, nor the way he acts towards you (since you got back together). I’m not sure that there is any way for him to prove that what was on the list was untrue and/or does not reflect how he feels now. I think the only thing you can do is to talk to him and then decide if you believe him. Actions often speak louder than words- for instance, do you think he is proud of you, or do you think he tries to keep you separate from his life/friends/family?

The fact that he has made this list in the first place is indicative of the sort of man he is: views women as objects to be marked on a 1-10 scale and so on.
I maintain that it is almost sinister.

When they say it is not about you, it is correct but it is about him.

Does this not put you off him?

I'm getting a little annoyed that this is being blamed on his autism.
I dated an autistic man. I was never in any doubt how he felt.
It didn't work out, but here's the thing: I was sure that at one point, namely the first year or so, that he adored me. You do not have that and it will eat away at you.

You know deep down if a man is really into you or not.

The fact you're asking here indicates that he is not or you wouldn't need to ask!

He wasn't that into you then nor is he now.

No offence but if there's no children, marriage or cohabitation there's no need to continue with this farce.

Take a leaf out of his book (no pun intended) and start looking at other options.

I'll tell you this as well, even if you're sure of an autistic man's adoration and devotion they are not easy to be in a marriage with. That's for sure so maybe think twice about how your life will actually be if you do secure this prize specimen of manhood.

I think you have to take this with a pinch of salt. MN will tend to err on the side of LTB/play silly games or attempt to get petty revenge/create as much drama as possible/all men are awful. I think in real life situations are rarely as black and white as posters would have you believe- and I doubt some of them would actually behave in quite the same way in their own lives.

At the end of the day, you know him and can best judge whether he is one of the shits, or just someone who was working through some stuff. You have to go with your gut instinct, after talking to him about it.

But is it that you fancy them (when you didn’t at all before) or is it that you love them now and so that want to be with them (confusing this with fancying them)?

I don't think that you are correct.
The women who post here are different people not of a borg-like mindset.

He's not that into her.
Nobody who feels secure that somebody is into them would post this.

Without wishing to be crude, men can often have regular sex with women they aren't into.
If they're convenient enough, they'll do.

Somebody better comes along, he'll be off.
If it doesn't, she'll always have that doubt.

I've had two similar experiences of this.
An ex many years ago, his friend told me that he didnt feel the same way about me as he did his girl friend previous to me. His feelings weren't the same. But I was alright and growing on him. I was young and very upset. As there had been no indication of this from him. I did eventually walk away and end the relationship.
The second was similar and I was privy to a conversation comparing his previous wife to myself and his words were she was 10 of this one now! Again no indication in relationship he felt this way. I walked away from that eventually aswell.
I am now an incredibly insecure person and have a wall so high no body can get over it, with a heart of solid stone to go with it.

Walk away from this horrible man. You deserve to be number 1. Not a place holder.

I find this "he's not that into you" stuff insidious. It lets men off the hook for using women and behaving badly and paints the women they "chose" as better or special. Anyone, man or woman who will happily shag or be in a relationship with someone they don't really care about but knows the other person is really invested is a user and does not respect people in general. I've had the chance to do this myself and though tempted I felt it was cruel to continue when I knew I just didn't see much future in it when he really did.

You do know you have to talk to him about this?

I agree with you OP. Just see how it goes. Do t make definite plans re him moving to your city for a while, and see if it's worth pursuing and you don't ruminate on this.
I've also done a pro/conlist in the past. It's not a big deal.

It's a pity you saw it and now can't unsee it. The reasonable thing would be to look at how your relationship has been recently and whether you were happy up to the time you discovered the list. If so, the reasonable thing would be to be very kind to yourself (and him, too, maybe) until the list has faded in your mind. Easier said than done, but remember, the sexiest people can look unattractive when you're angry with them. He may have written all that down to rationalise anger he was directing at you, even if the root cause of his discomfort was something quite different. Bottom line, concentrate on being kind to yourself.

Ouch. The comparison with the ex wife is definitely a sore spot for me. I had signs of that very early on with my ex, ignored it, addressed it, he stayed fixated on her, had I not snooped I would never have known he was looking at photos of her, sometimes all night if he couldn't sleep. He even made a comment to me about wondering whether I was better or not. And I still didn't walk the first bleedin time!

Men.. and women... do lie about their intentions. Only you, OP, can really know how YOU feel about this situation. I think you need to address it and stop wondering about it. Just do it. Talk to him, face to face or video call. Ideally in the same room. I think you said you're long distance? My now ex was a very bad liar but I'm also highly intuitive and very little gets past me with human behaviour.

Forget it or address it. But you're on here because you're not sure. That's a good thing. That's your self preservation instinct. It won't let you forget it.

To a previous poster stating people on here are of a certain ilk, looking for drama and always advising LTB, well, a lot of us are older and wiser and have more experience perhaps of this kind of situation and don't want to see a young woman throw away her good years on a waste of space.

How is saying 'He's not that into you' letting men off the hook?
If anything, the implication is that a woman should not continue to see the man and end it.

Letting him off the hook would be lying and telling her that he adores her while he continues to sniff around to see if he can do better.

I agree that men who do this are behaving like shits, that's how they are though but from their perspective there is somebody better.

If he's the kind of berk (notice how I'm not attributing notions of how morally good he is) who writes this, he's probably not a man who comes across as confident or fun so he's probably not swimming in options therefore it's important for the OP to realise that if he stays with her it's because he has no other options.

Its not shitty behaviour.
They are his own private thoughts and concerns which he is 100% entitled to have. It was hidden away in his things and he's most likely forgotten it was there.
He obviously thinks differently now or he wouldn't be in a relationship with her.

Oh good grief don't let him move in!!!!

OP I was just reading back through your original post. In it, you state that the list was written when things were bad and before you broke up. But in another post didnt you say he wrote it on the night that you broke up, after you ended it?

It most is certainly shitty behaviour - he is demonstrably an arsehole. Don’t let him move in.
Or if you must, don’t rush into it.
His aresholery will doubtless become even more apparent and with luck you will have dodged it.

I always make lists like this

Because it's often said in the context of, you know when that man who has been shitty to you meets the right woman, he will be grand and will be decent, and the reason he's been awful is, sorry to say this but he's just not that into you. And the implication is, the woman is just not good enough. When, really the issue is he's not good enough for her and has treated her badly.

If you have both been having to talk about 'building attraction' in this relationship, it doesn't have legs. Those written comments would stay in my head and eat away at my confidence regardless of what he said about them. Sadly I dont think this relationship is the right one for you both long term.

The fact that he's actually made this list is indicative that he has a personality that does not see women as people. More a selection of body parts.

You are being very naive if you think men only have relationships with women they're into.

For example, have you never come across the notion of the cocklodger?

Men, particularly ones with low optionally stemming from lack of inner confidence - as this berk is because he'd have to be to make a pathetic list like this- often take a she'll do attitude.
Also, men are generally not as fussy as women.

How horrible of him to write a list like that. I don't think many people could move on from this. Do yourself favour and get shut of this man.