Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Was his cons list about you accurate?
Thinking back, have you naturally addressed many of those negative things by normal communication and getting to know each other better? Have his cons been addressed also?
Maybe it is unfair to read things from the past.

I would break up, myself, if I believed my boyfriend to be of unkind character.

OP look up rejection sensitive dysphoria — a lot of autistic people have it. If you’d just ended things and he’d been made redundant, both harsh critical evaluations of him, it’s possible that he retaliated with this thinking as a means of pushing you away in his mind. It doesn’t make it ok, but just as a possible explanation.

"there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out"

Of the things that never happened in this post, this didn't happen the most.

Most likely you were snooping on his phone or PC, so you deserve what you get.

Obviously not nice to read
but not all relationships are instant there’s a slow burn
also it might not be personal if he was struggling to get over his ex at the time that would definitely be a factor in this

please please what ever you do don’t start writing your own list out of spite like some have suggested such a childish thing to do and it does nothing to resolve the issue

This relationship was almost “instantly” shit.

and only improved post break up

All this is just 18 months

It is dead in the water

Exactly this

If a relationship is shit when you don’t live together, no financial entanglements together, no children, no ill health etc then really… what hope is there for the future

Can't reply for the person who made this comment but I completely agree.

It's not the list, it's what it is about.

It's OK to make a list about shopping, to do lists and so on.
About the pros and cons about somebody you're in a relationships with is pathetic and childish.

@Devondigspigs THIS is why you must not excuse this with autism.

A former boyfriend was autistic. Obsessive interests. Forever writing lists about really obscure things to do with this interest.

Here's the thing, though: never did I once find a list like this and I would've done as he was not a tidy guy!

Also, I was never, ever in any doubt that he adored me - at least in the first year or so.

Ever.

I always think that unless they are abusive, how they feel about you at the start is what stays with you.

I know he did adore me and was not settling.
Yes it did not last, not every one does, that's life, but I'm not sitting here thinking that he never wanted a relationship with me.

Which you are.

I agree with both of these. I said the same earlier. You can grow to love someone but I don’t think you can grow to fancy them especially if you expressly didn’t fancy them at the beginning. What hope is there further down the road (aging, children, and illnesses). I would be worried he had settled for me especially given the breakup not long before.

It's sort of annoying how all of his behaviour is being excused/explained by autism.

I dated an autistic man and I was in no doubt that he adored me when we started dating so the oh it's autism thing is clearly bullshit.

Also so what?
She has to endure the sort of problems autism can bring to a relationship?
Or just find a non-autistic guy instead?

I’m a bit spiritual and I would take finding that piece of paper as a sign the universe wanted me to find. Sort of like a warning.
I suspect if you stay later on he’s going to turn out to be a right pig.

So many of your posts are focused on how he feels, why its ok for him to do what he did, why hes entitled to his feelings etc, try giving yourself some of that same energy. Its ok to be hurt and angry about this, irrelevant of his feelings or why he wrote it.

It was written I believe on the night I said let’s break up, but there was about a week around that time where we were talking about it not working (and as I said it hadn’t been good for a bit hence why I threw him back) x

Why do you think this? Had he dated it?

Your relationship history must be wretched for you gritting your teeth and cracking on with this

Also I understand what the posters are getting at with autism - it’s not that his actions are OK, but it helps that there’s a contributing factor to why he might have done it or process things in a way someone NT doesn’t (which makes it less about me).

its hard - on the one hand I think it might be because I simply wasn’t his ex girlfriend so any physical differences etc he picked up on. But also I do now have the distinct feeling he’s “settled”

But am I right in thinking that you’re going to crack on nonetheless?

This is why it's absolutely essential that you discuss this. It will be an awkward conversation I'm sure but you can't let yourself be eaten up by what you've read.

How are you so sure that you know when he wrote this list @Devondigspigs ?

If you feel he's settled, there's no future here. You may feel like he's always on the lookout for a better option. You deserve better than that

It’s on a dated piece of paper (torn from the journal, it’s sort of day to a page style). Obviously could be from another date but there’s other pieces of writing in there in order

Ok so you can’t be sure when this list was written

When it was bad, well over a year ago, you had cause to think about his behaviour and whether he was right for you. You maybe didn’t make mental lists as such but still, you weighed up the pros and cons of him and the relationship before breaking it off …and you must have told him why …where he fell short in your view.
He did the exact same …he also made a mental list but he also wrote down the cons…as a method of comforting himself maybe, after he had twice been ditched, or maybe because he couldn’t think straight and needed to see it written…who knows.

But the fact remains that you both weighed each other up …in different ways.
You both probably did it again when he came back for you and asked you to try again.

This last year has been so good for you both that you didn’t need to do any relationship analysis or judging of each other of any kind, you were just enjoying each other as you bith were now, so it’s been a terrible shock to you to see that list.

That list has been blown put of proportion in my view, simply because it exists in written form and you happened to read it. Yes it’s hurtful, but it belongs firmly in the past in my opinion. All that matters is that you have been really happy this last year and have talked about settling down together.

So I don’t think it’s the massive red flag you think it might be.

Its good to be cautious and to talk about it by all means, but as I mentioned earlier, have a bit of faith in him and yourself too. Don’t allow it to ruin things permanently. This is just a hiccup encountered along the way.
Give yourselves a chance by not letting this get out of proportion.

OP- are you ok with the wording of what he said?
For example, not sure I'm proud of her , very anxious about non existent problems .

To me that sounds very condescending in how he sees you . As if he knows best and is looking down on you.
Unless he's a psychotherapist who is he to say how big a reaction you give to things?

You certainly don't appear that way on this thread .

He sounds like the sort of person who will give you marks out of ten for your sexual performance.
Or rate women on a 1-10 scale.
Perhaps you'll come across lists like this in future.
Brace yourself.

I maintain that making lists like this about relationships is deeply f*ing weird.
Almost sinister.

This is coming from somebody who has made lists about their shoes!!
Have I ever made it about relationships, though?
Never!!!!

You do, however, seem to be determined to continue with him.

You won't ever, however, be able to use logic to overcome this. No matter how hard you try.

Do you have other options?
If you're the sort of person who believes in 'The One' then your life with this weirdo isn't ever going to work out well that's for sure

Sorry 'see all' isn't working for me. Autistic people often love lists. Given he wrote it the night before you broke up he might have been harsher due to the upset. I would talk to him though.

I'm also one of those people who need intimacy/time to feel attracted so I kinda relate.