Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

So it was possibly more trying to make himself believe that he didn’t care that you had dumped him?

Talk to him. If you’re happy now that counts for more. It initially sounded like he was weighing up whether to stay with you, but this was written after you had broken up with him. It’s something MN might say:
‘don’t feel sad, list everything you can think of that you didn’t like no matter how small it is.’

So it was possibly more trying to make himself believe that he didn’t care that you had dumped him?

Talk to him. If you’re happy now that counts for more. It initially sounded like he was weighing up whether to stay with you, but this was written after you had broken up with him. It’s something MN might say:
‘don’t feel sad, list everything you can think of that you didn’t like no matter how small it is.’

I'm sorry this must sting OP. At least it wasn't a pro and cons list about someone else. An ex bf of mine found a list I wrote about his predecessor that contained such classics as 'great in bed' and 'sexy'.
That was a tough conversation 😬

Because if you were pissed off if they'd just dumped you, it might be something a disgruntled person would write in a fit of pique. Life isn't black and white. He might've liked her but had some shit mates who were like "oh, you were too good for her" kind of crap (and don't tell me us women don't do this all the time, because we all know we do). He might've been in a "pah! Well, then, this is what I think of YOU" kind of mood after being dumped. We don't know, but the latter seems likely.

It doesn't make it meaningless or mature of course. I don't like what he said at all and would definitely still side eye him and ask about it (after all, if you're going to marry the guy you're gonna have a lot of ups and downs and you need to know how they'd react in the downs, so that's a key issue here). But I know I have thought some not very charitable things about people I've come to love and appreciate deeply eventually, so I'm not sure that one outpouring of nasty gripes in a situation where they'd just been dumped is quite the red flag everyone seems to think it is.

I would say that he wrote this when he was thinking about breaking up with you.

For some reason I thought OP had said the list was written before she ended it. Not after. I must be mistaken? This fact kind of changes things somewhat doesn't it?

This.

I'm always surprised by people working on bad relationships which are almost new. The first bit should be easy, if not, chuck them back. The time to work through a rough patch is when a relationship gets a bit stale after five or ten years, or you're weathering the challenges and changes to your former coupley, loved up relationship brought about by pregnancy, babies, sleepless nights, new responsibilities and roles, working out new divisions of labour and being touched out and exhausted...

no you can’t live with that. No way. Are you 100% sure it’s about you?

That's how I read it too.

Feelings and views about someone really can do a 180 when you fall in love with them.
And by the sounds of it he has really fallen for you.
Talk to him, it will put your mind to rest one way or another 💐

Yes "when things were bad and before we broke up"

If not that's a new can of worms as he wrote it whilst she was with him but during a bad phase. So trying to talk/ list write himself out of another woman whilst dating OP isn't really better than writing this about the OP!

I rarely respond on Mumsnet but no no leave as soon as u can.

You are trying to justify this but its clear he is "settling" for you and decided to put effort into it. He might love you in his way but he doesn't consider you "the one", he doesn't think you are amazing or even attractive. People are in relationships for different reasons, he decided you are suitable - but its definitely not based on being attracted to you physically (or even as a person, by the sound of it). However, as you say it was a while back it he might feel different now. Who knows.

You need to tell him you found this and talk to him about it. There is no shame at all in having read this. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

People banging on about how cruel this not-supposed-to-be-read private list was but have no qualms about being really harsh with the OP in their posts on an open forum...

You’ve either got a rock solid self esteem, or you’re too scared to be alone.

I couldn’t even look at someone in the eye who wrote that awful stuff about me, let alone date them and have sex with them!

I just don't see that.

I might think you hurt me, communicate badly bla bla...I'd never pull out a list even in my head that said you were balding, didn't make me look like I was punching and I never fancied you. All of that just shows me up as shallow and inauthentic. If you’re saying it was coming from a place of distress what a way to take that distress ~ not learning, not growth but slagging someone you supposedly valued / loved to feel better.

Are those mature adult, life partner qualities?

Look at this from another angle, it shows that he is capable of thinking about you and the relationship and isn't just along for the ride.

I don't think you shouldpunish someone for working through their thoughts and feelings on paper

Could ask if he finds you physically attractive and then ask if he's always felt that way or if he fancies you more since you finished with him the first time.

It's underhand since you secretly know his earlier thoughts, but would be a way of testing his honesty.

Are you Rachum?

Do you think he was trying to persuade himself not to be upset after you'd broken things off by listing your negative points (but they were points he never cared about or not entirely true - he was just trying to make himself feel better after the break up?)

For what it's worth, I agree you have to discuss it given things have been going so well. Give him a chance to explain it. His actions over the last year speak louder than the words he wrote beforehand.

This makes me so sad for you but please don’t think at 34 you shouldn’t be getting butterflies and romance you absolutely should. I met my husband at 34 and within the first 6 months of being together I remember he wrote me a list of 100 things he loved about me for some occasion I can’t remember what. You deserve that kind of list not a cons list!

My first thought entirely-then dump him...

If the relationship has been turbulent from the start, I’d probably just leave now. He clearly is unable to express his feelings so you won’t get an honest answer if you ask him. It’s obviously not a nice thing to find but given what you’ve said about him, I’d say it’s not surprising.

@Devondigspigs Do you still view him as any of those things now (unreliable, self-centred, selfish, etc.)? Those aren't attractive characteristics in a long-term partner - what if you ever need his support, either physical or emotionally, or need him to look after you for a while, for example? Is he capable of being there for you?