Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Was this an autistic thing? Felt overwhelmed at the last minute at the idea of being around loads of people he didn't know?

I think the fact he wrote the list after you dumped him changes things, in that case it sounds more like he was trying to persuade himself that he didn't like you.

I would say at the time he thought you would do for now
he could get past any misgivings he may have thought about you

but … who knows what he is thinking now

I wouldn’t be able to get past what he thought about me and it would eat up at me so I would end it

i also think if he didn’t have the physical attraction to you to start with you never will get it no matter what you say to yourself

you will never be his no 1 physically and it will only get more obvious the longer you stay with him

Please just dump him, you deserve better. How awful of him to write this.

No you shouldn’t read a diary. But didn’t you say a page fell out?
Youre only human. Most people would’ve read it.
it doesn’t mean anything.
it was how he felt at that time. Or even on that day. Maybe he was trying to convince himself not to be in a relationship so soon after. All sorts of reasons.
I’ve always kept diaries. And have written pros and cons of men I’ve dated.
sometimes there’s lots of cons but a few weeks go by and I see them in a different light. Ignore all the negativity on here.
you like him. He likes you. Talk to him

your not that much of a cow, id be adding his cons to the list and stapling it to his forhead

When I met my husband it was like wow
he was absolutely everything I wanted in a man
he said the same about me
and 25 years later we still feel the same

you aren’t everything he wants in a woman
he’s written it down in black and white

you can’t really get any clearer than what he’s wrote

Yeah fuck that. If my PARTNER had a list with all my cons in it, and pretty serious stuff like he doesn’t fancy me (?!) and he’s not proud of me (!!!) then I’d be shoving it in his face and then leaving. It wouldn’t even matter to me if I had found it through insane snooping. Why is he with me if that’s what he thinks of me?! Fuck that.

Is he 12 yrs old and born in the 1980s? WHO writes lists like this on paper? I mean seriously. What an absolute child.

Rachel? Is that you?

Damn, you beat me to it!

I think it’s ok to write a list to yourself if you are trying to decide if you want to continue, but now you have seen it I don’t think I could get over seeing those things. If it was things that have been bothering you in a long term relationship and things you have discussed and things they can change but won’t that’s one thing like ‘leaves socks everywhere, doesnt get up with the kids on Saturdays’ etc,
but physical things and appearance etc I think is just either you fancy the pants off your partner in a new relationship or what are you doing with them? Rebound? Comfort? Loneliness? If he was writing this stuff early on then why was he with you?
I would be out of there.

I agree either way this, we have been together 16 years, the first years before kids we were utterly besotted with each other. I still get that feeling.

I've been with my husband for 20 years and still feel the same. But, so what? I've also seen friends' marriages fall apart after the early besotted years and equally seen the friends where you thought one might be 'settling' end up having the strongest and most loving of marriages. You cannot predict what will happen for others based on what turned out happening for you. It's totally unhelpful.

You think people who write lists on paper must be 'an absolute child'?

You should have put that in your opening post. As others have said, he was trying to make himself feel better about you ending things. I'm autistic and so is my youngest adult DD, this makes perfect sense to me. He's gone logical and taken emotion out of it, so he doesn't spiral. Talk to him.

i agree but what I am saying is that in the first part of your relationship then it should be like this, not a horrible list of cons about someone you are supposed to be falling in love with. List and cons later maybe but at the start then why is this guy even carrying on if that’s how he feels. It’s horrible and OP should find someone who at least loves everything about her in those early years of dating.

You didn’t really read a diary though- if that page fell out with your name on it.

I would tell him what happened, and how it’s made you feel.

I mean is he worth spending your life with really??? You’ll never ever forget you saw it. Even when you are 70. I honestly see how hard a place you’re in and id also be stuck but I know I’d never ever forget those things. And I think in future if anything bad happened - an affair, poor behaviour like addiction or gambling etc, severe illness or debt; I would always hang on to the fact I’d seen the list… do you honestly think you can forgive / forget that you’ve seen it?? The only hope in hell of recovery for me would be through couples counselling- and absolute transparency from you and him. He would really need to own this and explain it well and work on himself- it sounds very immature - he sounds very immature emotionally. I would also be concerned about the poor start to the relationship.. it feels like he is reluctantly settling from your post… tread carefully and consider your next steps xoxo

But the list of cons - note, no list of pros, just a list of why they should split up - was written before they split up because they were not falling in love. Then the guy came back to the OP, asked for a second chance and according to her has made loads of effort and given everything she could ask for. So it warrants an honest conversation about where they were, where they are now, and where they both think they are going. And if it doesn't ring true for the OP's gut feeling then she will need to exit sooner rather than later. But she is the one who has experienced a really satisfying relationship for the past year and she is the one who must work out whether he deserves her faith, love and care or not. If she doesn't feel that it's entirely mutual, then as much as this has been a hard experience it also pushed her to get out before it was too late. OP - I hope you find your answer soon. You won't find it on MN, you will find it by talking to him and then actually truly listening to your insticts and being 100% honest with yourself. You deserve the best. Good luck.

I found a series of searches on my boyfriends laptop which were essentially a list of my ‘cons’. Physical appearance and other hurtful things. I didn’t get over it. It was beyond damaging and I left him. My confidence was compeltely shattered and it took me years to get over it. He was so upset himself at the time and tried to make out that it didnt mean anything and he was stoned/depressed when he did it. Anyway fast forward to where I am now, I have a lovely husband who would never dream of thinking anything like that about me. He is a kind and good person and I’m very lucky. We were a slow burn too by the way but I would never imagine him thinking such cruel things about me. I know you’ve had a good year since but I just don’t believe ‘your person’ would ever write things like that about you.
If it’s bothering you enough to seek advice on Mumsnet, I don’t think you’ll easily forget it.
You’re worth more.

He sounds awful. There’s no future here. Get rid.

Do you're own list. Love a list. Reflect on it frequently. If the cons are more than thd pros, you have a problem.

I’d suggest something like

“Hi
I was having a good nose around your personal things and this ‘fell out’ and I accidentally read it all the way through.
I think you should add ‘inclined to snoop’ to the list, just to be thorough”

So it was possibly more trying to make himself believe that he didn’t care that you had dumped him?

Talk to him. If you’re happy now that counts for more. It initially sounded like he was weighing up whether to stay with you, but this was written after you had broken up with him. It’s something MN might say:
‘don’t feel sad, list everything you can think of that you didn’t like no matter how small it is.’

So it was possibly more trying to make himself believe that he didn’t care that you had dumped him?

Talk to him. If you’re happy now that counts for more. It initially sounded like he was weighing up whether to stay with you, but this was written after you had broken up with him. It’s something MN might say:
‘don’t feel sad, list everything you can think of that you didn’t like no matter how small it is.’