Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I amazed at the people who do. Seems so cold and clinical. Either I like them and think they are right for me or I don’t.

And I would certainly never settle nor could I abide being settled for.

I will say that it’s not the list per se or writing it down. If I saw this I would just assume I am his placeholder girlfriend who “will do” as a means to avoid him being single. And I could never be with a man who felt that way about me.

This too. Not like he wrote things such as “lives far away”, “quite a bit older”, “doesn’t want children”. What he was dwelling on is just….urgh!

I would be more concerned about the things on that list than what he wrote about you- those are all very bad qualities to have in a partner, especially if you're thinking of potentially having children one day.

@Devondigspigs
I'd never ever be sure of him again and sod the fact that list was compiled in a more precarious time
I think he realises that for "all that's wrong with you" according to his list
You're still the "best" he's ever got in his circumstances.
So therefore you'll do.
Look,
Me being the person I am I'd show him what I'd "found" listen to him jibber an excuse
Then walk
You can do better
And he'll do a lot worse
The stunner he's probably not,
Fingers crossed.....

You deserve better. Accepting this will harm your self esteem.

It would fester with me. I wouldn’t be able to get past it, no matter what the circumstances were when he wrote them.

He wrote some very unflattering things about you which appeared to be because you didn’t meet his ‘standards’. That indicates that he’s looking for a certain ‘type’ and you’re not it, so he’s ‘settling’ for less than his ideal and that being the case your relationship will always be built on sand. At any point you could have the rug pulled out from under you. And I’m sorry OP but there are definitely red flags for future controlling behaviour in what he’s written. I don’t think any of it is fixable. And that’s absolutely no reflection on you at all. You deserve much better.

OP, what is the point of being with someone who isn’t proud of you and doesn’t think you are sexy and wonderful? Won’t it destroy your confidence knowing he thinks (/thought)? You’ll be grand on your own.

This man lied to you right at the beginning of your relationship. I’d be just as concerned about his lack of honesty towards you as well as his lack of respect in that awful list. The lying, nasty, disrespectful, judgemental, insecure man is the real him.

Ultimately OP you've just got to speak to him. I know you think you know what he'll say, and you may be right, but at the moment you're trying to plan out what to do based on what you think he'll say. Now that you've thought about it for a bit, the only productive next step is to talk to him about it.

Have you had quite a turbulent and disappointing relationship history prior to this @Devondigspigs ?

It was literally the day she'd finished with him. So not "lovely early days" at all. It puts quite a different spin on things.

If you were 24 I could see why it would be easy to tell him to f off. 34 not so easy maybe especially if you are thinking more long term i.e. kids and marriage. Its a bit bloody childish of him to write a list and even more stupid to keep it. Honestly id confront him and hopefully have a sensible discussion about it. Good luck.

Its just if you could think those things about a person why were you EVER in a relationship with them?

Haven't read the whole thread so I'm sure someone has already mentioned this, but this reminds me of the episode of Friends where Rachel finds Ross's pros and cons list of Rachel vs Julie! Rachel only sees her cons initially and doesn't see Julie's cons (the most important being that Julie isn't Rachel).

I'd talk to him about it and ask him if there was a pro's list (and if not would he care to redeem himself by writing one!) and if he still feels the same way about the cons that you feel we're a bit unfair (especially about the fancying you one, surely he must be attracted to you?!).

I'm sorry though OP, that must have been pretty crushing to read!

You ended the first chapter as it wasn’t working. Presumably you told him why.

The second chapter is good. He persuaded you to try again and he has put a lot of effort in to being a better person for you. And you are happy…or were until your read his crappy list, written when he was at his worst. It was never intended for your eyes.

I think you should have a bit of faith in him OP. He has an eye on a future with you. That’s reason enough not call it off.
Don’t doubt him because of that juvenile list. He has grown and changed since then and your relationship has been consistently good for a year.
Keep building on that.

Have a bit of faith in yourself too. Give yourself a good talking to before you ever raise it with him. Remind yourself the list was in the past, when things were very different, so it’s wise to move past it and concentrate on what is good now.
And if things deteriorate, well you have left him once before, when it wasn’t good for you, so you can easily do it again if necessary. You can rely on yourself for that. You won’t let yourself down.
He knows that.

I wouldn’t throw something very good away when you know he wrote that list when his mind was in a turbulent state.

I am sure there would have been a massive list of ‘pro’s’ somewhere in the notebook or in his head too. Not everybody would make such lists but he needed to at the time. Maybe that’s his autistic mind.

He came back for you OP. That’s more important than the stupid list.
Have courage and give yourselves a chance!

It's petty. But I love it. And would do this for sure. The list's too short though.

Massive dripfeed 🙄

A desperation to be with someone. Anyone.

Hang on, he wrote this the same night you broke up with him? In that case it literally means nothing, He wrote it as a clumsy way to get himself to feel less gutted by it. He was probably really upset and trying to make himself feel better by telling himself you were no loss. It’s ugly, but when people are hurt and disappointed they say and do ugly things they don’t mean. He wanted to be with you. If he treats you well and has done since you got back together, then why would you throw it away for a stupid private note that was obviously the result of lashing out?

Can you ever grow to fancy someone you didn’t at the start? Absolutely unquestionably yes. The person is the aphrodisiac. Sure, if they literally repulse you then it’s unlikely, but getting to know someone, liking the way they make you feel, liking who they are and starting to see them differently? Happens all the time. Sometimes the fireworks start after you get attached to a person, not before.

Talk to him about it. Explain that you didn’t mean to read it but you did and you’re feeling hurt and wobbly. His reaction will tell you everything.

I agree with @VimesandhisCardboardBoots assessment of the situation. If this were me, I'd let it go. It's a snapshot of how he was trying to figure out what he felt about you in the past. As such, it's not indicative of how he feels now, nor how he will "always" feel about you. You're fixating on that one line of "just not fancying" and querying whether you can ever "fancy" someone you didn't before. I'd turn that on its head: you know that it's possible to stop "fancying" someone you once were head-over-heels in love with once you've experienced some negative things with them. So why wouldn't the opposite be possible once you've had good experiences with them (as you describe your current relationship is now)?

Fuck him off.

so he wrote the list immediately after you'd dumped him? same night?
If so, then he was likely trying to minimise his hurt at the situation.
What he wrote wasn't kind and probably wasn't even 100% accurate as to how he was feeling, he was just venting and probably trying to make himself feel better after being dumped.
You were never meant to read this and he's an idiot for not burning this immediately after writing it.
All that said, I don't know if I could actually get over this.

It's hardly shitty behaviour, it's not as if he sent her the list in the post!

Don’t feel about finding the notebook, he is the one who should feel bad about writing out that stupid list. He is very careless if he’s nothing else. I’m a sarky cow but id write out my own list of his negative traits, leave for him to find and break up with him.