Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

This relationship doesnt have legs / wont result in a happy life.

Honestly, look elsewhere...

And do NOT have kids with him.
If you must go in with your eyes open.
Just search mumsnet for threads by women married to men with autism who had children.

Your friends write lists about their partners?🤔

Its not very nice at all. Id bring it up calmly and just ask him. Maybe you'll discover the pros list was huge and he really regrets writing it.

The issue is I know there are pros. I know he feels pros but the physical attractiveness stuff just feels so acute

the cons he's said aren't small things. They're really nasty. I couldn't forgive it.

What did he do at your work event to let you down?

Said he was coming and didn’t at the last minute. As I said was more a thousand cuts of small indiscretions than one big thing

It speaks to basic respect (lack of)

You cannot have a good relationship imo based on what he has written about it speaks to fundamental lack of respect.

He isnt proud of you and thinks you are a bit thick and not that attractive...!!!!

These arent easily changeable perceptions

I get the clock is ticking but stop wasting your time on this guy.

I don’t know much about autism (other than my son’s friend is autistic) but obviously there are differences in how they process and see things (otherwise there would be no difference). They don’t read the room as well as an NT person can. His writing that list is probably more understandable (though still hurtful) from an ND viewpoint than if he were NT.

I think you’ll tie yourself up in knots with him for ever more.
I’ve got the ick with people I’ve at first fancied and then they stayed in the ick camp
BUT I’ve never fancied someone I never fancied in the first place

I’ve got to say I have never written a list regarding bf’s. It wouldn’t have ever occurred to me to do a pro/con list. I’m not really sure what it achieves as I don’t see how it can increase or decrease your happiness judging by which list is longer. As OP’s bf is ND maybe list writing is his thing.

Fancying can definitely grow the more you get to know someone. Not every time but it can certainly happen.

I agree. Everybody has things about their partners they dislike (and if they claim they don't, they're lying). They were his own private thoughts, and his only 'crime' was the stupid mistake of writing it down.

I didn't much fancy my husband when I met him, and thought I was too good for him! But as I got to know him I gradually changed my opinion and fell in love. Now I find him very attractive (although there are still certain things I hate!) Should he dump me because I once held some less than stellar opinions about him?

This was my first thought. My friend's ex-husband was the completely self-absorbed, naval gazing type and liked to write lists of her pros and cons.
It got very ugly before he finally walked out for another woman

FFS how old is this prince of a man? 13??
I would have to speak to him about it - how he responds will tell you everything you need to know about him and your future together.

He wrote the list just after you ended things. I wonder if this was some sort of way of him trying to come to terms with it, in an incredibly clumsy way. Kind of ‘better off without her’. It is of course really awful to see the list and I wouldn’t personally get past it and whilst people can be with each other for a whole host of good reasons - I would always expect some level of attraction! You do need to have a conversation with him I think.

😂 Oh please OP you have to

The problem is it’s taken the shine off your relationship and the question is can you accept and move past it ?
if it was me I would struggle to feel good about myself knowing the person I love considered me not attractive, overweight?? And not interesting/ intellectual enough or good enough for him.
I get he’s changed his mind but I think i would still feel like the consolation prize.

I think given that your name was at the top, there could also have been other pages with other names e.g comparing you to the ex. I also found it interesting that he didn’t have any pros on the list, it was all focused on the negatives. That’s what would make be sad more than anything. If it was a genuine list reasons to stay together/not, I could understand it was a thought process……but it actually just looks like an awful disrespectful list. I couldn’t move past it, but that’s me and only you know how you really feel.

In which case is it possible he wrote it right after you had ended the relationship? A sort of “I’m not hurt that she broke up with me, I didn’t like her that much anyway. In fact, here’s a list of all the reasons it wouldn’t have worked” to make himself feel better and stoke his damaged ego?

That's exactly what that list was, and framing it as such in conversation would probably help with getting an authentic response OP can work with. Although it's not that emotionally mature by NT standards it helps to rationalize rejection.

That's what I had thought. Possibly as a way to make himself feel better by noting down the things he "didn't like anyway."

But those things still made the list, so they much have been lurking in his mind already. And as a few other PPs have pointed out, they're not really things you can change.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes but my main issue is that some of the cons were just so nasty. That's what I would struggle with.

I'm sorry you saw that. It must be unsettling. However, it seems that you have made up your mind that he no longer feels the way he did then and you will move on with the relationship. You just wanted people to agree with you that you were making the right decision.

Playing devils advocate here but could he have been hurt when you broke up with him and that was him trying to convince himself he was better off without you? Just trying to see the other side as the relationship is good now