Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

extremely good - consistently always has been. I do know men can sleep with anything though but it didn’t seem arbitrary which I think is why this has blindsided me

Sure it makes sense, but if his answer doesn't cut it for you then there's really no point staying. Personally if I had my list found by my partner I'd own up to those feelings and how they have changed in detail if I knew my partner as well as you do him. I'd take their feelings as seriously as they obviously do mine.

But you seem to fear he'll just brush it off. You could always say that before going ahead with settling down you need to be sure although that diesn't help you if he lies again. Have you both spent the same amount of energy to make the relationship work?

Dishonesty is a dealbreaker

Let's be honest there's absolutely no coming back from that.

Cut ties now rather than prolonging the inevitable.

If i saw a list from new enough gf essentially saying "I don't fancy him, he's fat, he seems thick and boring, I think I'm embarrassed by him, I'm not interested.. oh and he's got shit hair and posture" there is no way I'd ever think she wasn't absolutely settling and that she wouldn't eventually resent me and jump ship. Plus i also just wouldn't want to be with someone who clearly thought I was so substandard, where's the fucking joy in that?

Just go and don't look back

It wasn't meant for anyone to see. People sometimes do write these lists or write notes about someone when they're angry with them or feeling bad in the relationship. It probably should've been screwed up and thrown away long ago.

For your own sanity it might be best to try and forget it exists. He clearly doesn't feel that way now. Imagine if you'd written something similar many months ago. It wouldn't mean anything now would it?

Honestly, if you stay in this relationship, whether you discuss the list with him or not, you'll never stop thinking about it. There's no answer he could give you that will completely reassure you.

In fact, you'll probably always think about this list no matter what happens to the relationship but the difference is if you stay in it, you'll have to swallow your pride and forgive or at least never bring it up. But if you leave, hopefully one day you'll be able to look back on this list and this man and say "what a wanker."

He’s autistic? I don’t remember reading that in the OP. That’s quite pertinent information isn’t it, to be dripped later.

I think his autism is relevant and that he’s probably been masking.

Absolutely this. You cannot compete with someone he fancies. It is so important. It obviously doesn’t mean that you’re unattractive, not everyone fancies everyone, even when they’re very physically attractive. Its all to do with chemistry and personality etc.
I work with two men who are physically attractive but I absolutely do not fancy either of them in any way. Whereas there is another man who I work with occasionally who is not at all physically attractive in comparison (he looks about 20 older than he is, is overweight, balding, a bit sweaty and unshaven, socially awkward etc) but we have great chemistry and get on really well and I fancy him. I think writing a list is fine, many of us have done one but ultimately his shows that the important things are missing and staying with him would be a big mistake and it might be in 2, 12 or 20 years but he will leave you for someone else.

I would not be able to get over this. You say sex has never been a problem, so that includes before you split and he clearly felt like this then. You want us to say I’m sure he doesn’t still feel like that, and probably that’s what he’d say if you asked him. But in the back of your mind there will always be that doubt.

I think you absolutely can. You've said that he's someone who needs emotional connection to feel attraction. Is it possible he wrote this when he didn't feel connected to you, and once that returned so did the attraction?

I still think you should talk to him though, whether you tell him that you found what he wrote or just ask questions to get the reassurance you need.

Having the conversation is not the same as having the conversation in your head! There all sorts of extra things - does he seem upset that you are upset (rather than that his list makes him look like a dick/ has done something wrong)? Is he trying to make you FEEL BETTER (rather than explain things away)?

If you know the conversation is not going to make you feel better, then that's your answer isn't it.

As a secondary point I think it's really depressing that the consensus is that men can shag any old hole and it's fine. I categorically do not believe that you can have a good sexual relationship for a year without mutual attraction whether that was instant or has grown. But it depends what you mean by a good sex life because some women have very low standards for that (eg don't expect orgasms or even to have a nice time themselves as long as the man's cock gets hard).

sorry, the autism wasn’t meant as a drip feed - probably daftly didn’t think it was that relevant here (if anyone else can shed any light on why it is let me know!)

again, I’m not worried about bringing it up - it’s more that I already know what reassurance he will give, but I don’t know if that’s enough

Things can work a second time but generally I find that you leave for a reason & it's best to stay left!

That would be so exhausting..

Worrying about his reaction vs. the convo - tomato, tomahto.

At the end of the day talk is cheap; if his reassurance isn't enough for you, that's fine. That he didn't break up with you when things were bad could still mean he's fine with the relationship running its course while he's waiting for someone that ticks all his boxes.

The only thing that should matter to you is your peace of mind. Can you take a deep breath and put the list out of mind and enjoy how things are now or would that doubt gnaw at you?

His autism matters if he's masking. If it's been wonderful all the time it's likely he's doing that so that you don't leave. I'd look at what be says vs what he does.

I’d be busting a gut to confront Peter Perfect with his pathetic list!

Well you clearly aren't going to leave as you keep making excuses for the knob.

I couldn't get past this. How horrible to write a list like that, slagging off your girlfriend. No, I'd tell him not to bother moving - it's over.

Are you providing for him in any way OP? Love bombing is a thing users do. Maybe he found he didn't want to be alone?

Anyone who could measure someone by the metrics he chose wouldn't be for me 🤢

I think I'd let it go to be honest.

I don't mean I wouldn't talk about it. You're going to have to talk about it. You're going to feel weird and he'll notices and then it'll fester and ruin things. So you do need to talk about it.

But then I'd try to let it go. Because it's not him. It's a snapshot of him, at a particular moment in time. That him doesn't exist any more. And it may well never have done.

Because Pros and cons lists are stupid. You put a bunch of stuff down, and then one side looks shorter than the other, so you put a bunch of daft stuff down the other side because you feel like you're not doing it properly otherwise.

Maybe he didn't fancy you then. His actions now are showing you fairly well that he fancies you now.

You may not be able to get past this @Devondigspigs , maybe it will sit there and eat away at you. But you won't know whether you can unless you try. He hasn't tried to hurt you. He wrote down a little piece of his mind and then forgot it existed. He's probably going to be spectacularly gutted when he finds out. The last year isn't a lie just because of something he thought before it even happened.

Not providing in any way - not loads in it but at present he’s the higher earner

I mean, I’ve said several times if I can’t get past it I’ll leave. But I’m looking for views on if something written in a snapshot months ago is likely to be indicative of today

Thank you - I think this is what I’m trying to get at. It’s both better and worse that he wasn’t trying to hurt me - I’ve seen inside his true mind now.

i think I do probably need to sit with it for a bit and see how it feels. Also as I mentioned it’s been actions not words this last year that have made me feel better

He just doesn't have a kind heart OP...why tether your life to that?

Bodies change, illnesses happen...this person is judgey and unkind. You deserve better

He sounds like he was weighing up whether you could be a trophy for him ...is he terribly attractive (on the outside, as I know the answer for his character)