Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Either let it go (if you can) or talk to him about if you can’t let it go, otherwise it will effect your relationship.

Sounds like he wrote it down in a fit of pique and maybe doesn’t reflect how he feels - given his conduct since you got back together.

Kingdomofsleep
“Seriously what kind of man ruminates about a woman's hair or posture?”

Completely agree! but to write it down as well 😳.

What’s more if he writes that down, what, hasn’t been written down⚠️???

So sorry he’s made you think things were ok.
Hope you can get back to normal soon 💐.

I’m stating my opinion. The couples I know who have been on/off from day one, don’t know if they really want/fancy each other have never lasted. I’m not talking love bombing but I think (again my opinion) you have to fancy one another at the start. Or at least that’s what I would want in my relationship.

Im really sorry to say, but I don’t know how a (fairly recent) relationship can get past this: “just don’t fancy her”

Youre not his sister or a flatmate - how can your relationship last if there is no sexual attraction right from pretty much the start?

Came on to say this! 😆

If you had candid conversations and dread to have one about the list there must be some reason why you think you won't believe him when he'll deny his feelings have changed despite your relationshipbeing flawless.

What to do is obvious OP. Give your head wobble and end the relationship immediately. There is no coming back from any of that! What a twat. You do deserve better btw.

Excellent, MN gold 😂😂😂
OP please do this then dump his judgey arse.

And I'm stating mine, if that's alright with you. We're all allowed to have different experiences and draw conclusions from them. .

I know people who have done both - some who had push-pull kind of difficulties at the start then stayed together long term, and some who seemed to be tick box solid right from the off then it all sort of petered out one day (or suddenly disappeared when someone had an affair or something, seemingly out of nowhere) . It sort of depends partly how "tempestuous" and dramatic the problems in the beginning were, as I'd agree that isn't generally a good sign, but if they are genuine adjustment problems right at the start that are worked through that can work out better in the long term. In my own humble experience.

You do anything else and you’ll be wasting your precious time. You are a placeholder until someone better comes along. Men do this.

But you were not dating him
when you did not fancy him.

Some people rather pride themselves on being ruthlessly clinical about things, even intimate things. I am about my cooking, for example. Actors or musicians about performance. Sports people about teammates or the game.

You say he is autistic and that rather influences my thoughts here. His list seems odd because its so clinical and detached from you and your relationship as a matter of how you make him feel. Its all superficial or appearance driven. Not that there is anything odd or wrong about it but its very schematic and “ought” driven. Like he had a fully formed unquestioned model for “the woman” and you deviated from it in ways he believed meant you couldn’t “be the one.” Not that you weren’t loved or loveable but that by deviating so far from the imaginary norm he couldn’t understand himself in the relationship.

It sounds to me like a mental exercise by a very rigid, formulaic person. I have had several autistic clients and they had to process things in a certain way before they could accept things that deviated from the expected parameters.

So I think if you think he has gotten through that stage of his thought experiment and determined that nevertheless you are the ine for him then I think you are safe to proceed in the relationship. With the caveat that you have to be sure that if he has come around to truly valuing you for the long haul and will not get bored when a new special interest arises.

Sorry genuinely not meaning to come across as abrasive in any of my replies, really appreciate everyone’s views genuinely. I just want to get across that I haven’t sort of willingly stayed in a bad relationship for 18’months, and if I found this and it was dated last week I’d be gone.

i also am not worried about having the conversation with him, I just know him well enough to know what he will say (hard time, confused, stressed with life, it’s in the past and I don’t feel that way now) - I just don’t know what to do after that if that makes sense. I feel the general consensus is his fundamental views haven’t and won’t change- but I’m conflicted because I have sincerely felt a change in the relationship in the past years. When we broke up it wasn’t major shouting conflicts, it was me picking up on emotional distance, lack of effort etc

Ask him to marry you. If he says no you have your answer on if his views have changed since he wrote the list.

Nope. Why not? I’ve been in OPs shoes, at the same age, but minus the note. Together a while, mismatched commitment, split for a while, reunion, married a year later. He proposed to me though. That was over 20years ago.

ETA if it’s not going the distance better to know now and move n.

Re the 'slow burn' / lack of initial attraction etc.

I met my dh more than 30 years ago. For a couple of years we were vague friends and colleagues.

I'd been recently divorced and was in an intense relationship with someone with whom there'd been an eyes-meeting-across-a room thunderbolt city (to quote 4 weddings and a funeral) moment. Attraction wise, his looks (the person I was in a relationship with), intelligence, career, style, everything was exactly what I longed for. It was passionate and exciting. But he didn't tell the truth, was financially incompetent and despite being high earning was always in debt. I had young dc, needed financial stability for them, an honest trusting situation for me and that relationship had to end.

I was then in a place where I had bought my own flat - a haven and sanctuary for me and my dc. I intended never to be in a relationship again. Then at a works event, after much champagne, dh and I kissed. I have to be honest and say that for me it was a warm drunken moment with no plan for it to be repeated or go any further. The next day dh turned up at my office with a small, non-flamboyant, but completely appropriate Christmas present for me and said he hoped to take me for dinner in the New Year.

I was a bit taken aback that he'd seen our kiss as something more significant. He then went to great effort to get in touch over the Christmas holiday when he was with his parents (35 years ago rural phone coverage was very, very patchy).

We went for dinner and to the cinema a couple of times and I met a few of his friends at social events. When I was leaving to go on holiday (alone), one of his friends made it clear that dh described me as his 'girlfriend'. Honestly, I was a bit panic stricken. I cannot imagine what I might have written about dh if I'd kept a journal on my holiday. I doubt that most of it would have been flattering

This was not in my 'plan'. This was not the type of man I usually went for.

I cooled things for a few weeks when I returned and over that period I noticed all the things I really missed. Of course it wasn't the perfect floppy blonde hair, or the stellar career of my previous relationship. I missed the genuine fun, the shared sense of humour, his willingness to be vulnerable. I missed his principles and values that aligned with my own.

Looking back I learned that (for me) long-term, lasting deep and genuine love is not about those things I'd previously thought were important. dh is the most thoroughly decent, responsible, thoughtful and trustworthy person. 30 years later we still have adventures, fun and sex.

For me the slow burn has been the best.

Maybe a bust up is needed. It could either clear the air and start from a clean slate, or be the needed end of the relationship.

but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less).

So he lied?

Why?

I would pack my shit, put it in the car, take the list and write "Way out of my league" at the bottom, leave it on the counter and leave. Block his number, delete his number and move on with someone else.

Well it’s only a suggestion, she doesn’t have to do it. If she’s not in it for the long term now’s a great time to dump him. But if she loves him and wants to know if it’s a goer she should ask.
Hey Dave, I’ve found this note indicating you don’t like or respect me that much. I’m a bit upset tbh. Is that how you feel?
What, no, Judith you’ve got it all wrong. I was in a bad place then, but things are different now and I’m crazy about you.
Enough to marry me?
Long pause.

They’d broken up months before but were still in contact. The contact ended before we got together but I imagine that crutch going was the start of the grieving process. messy and something I’d avoid but that’s what happened.

we’ve spoken about marriage and kids. Plan on him moving to my city soon