Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

Not really sure what you are hoping for from your OP.
He's been a dick before and you've said you've broken up before. Now you've realised he's not that arsed about you.
Why would you continue?

If you try and talk about it...can you believe what he says? And do you really want untarnished truth, the same way you don't want him reading your journal?

I think I'd look at his actions. You say everything has been great since you got back together. You are not feeling like 2nd best, etc etc.

So go with that and forget about that list written in a very different time.

I'm wondering if you have tried to forget about it and haven't been able to. Are you able to ask things like why he wanted to get back with you after you broke up with him? Try and learn more that way?

So you don't trust him not to have those feelings now. Are you worried he'll leave you with no other choice than breaking up if he reacts dismissively?

If you can't live with having doubts or leave them behind, there's your answer.

There you go. In which case, honestly forget you found it. He won't feel the same way now or you'd know about it and he'd have a made a decision to leave the relationship. He clearly values you for qualities that outweigh that stupid list and he likely as a result probably no longer agrees with that list! So I'd shelve it. Speaking from my own experiene as an autistic, we can tend to focus and fixate on details and not the bigger picture and as such it can take us a while to figure out how we feel and recognise the bigger picture. So honestly if things seem good now, trust that. How it feels now is relevant, not how things were in the early days. I am brutally honest as an autistic and lying and deceit are not for me and being fair and honest are who I am. This is a pretty common trait to autistic people so I'd take it at face value that if he is still with you it is because he wants to be.

My feeling is that this was probably true at the time he was writing it, that much is clear. It seems unlikely that he would be thinking these things so strongly, if the relationship has been good for a year. I do believe people's perceptions of one another change over time, so its very possible he no longer feels these things so intensely. However, it seems unlikely they've completely vanished - is that something you can bear? I also think attraction can grow - I really wasn't that attracted to my last partner at the beginning, but it truly did grow over the 8 years - but I wasn't without my moments of doubt. Those doubts didnt necessarily go away, but they stopped mattering so much. In the end I wanted to marry, he ended things. Anyone can write a terrible list of negatives about those they love, but yes ideally we wouldnt be exposed to them - it must hurt a lot. I think for me, I'd want to understand his intentions, how he sees the future. Do you/ does he want commitment?

Thank you. I think what I’m trying to say is that I have walked away before, I would again. Had this happened when things were bad I would be gone - but it was written over a year ago after a year of things being good. I don’t know if I can get past it, but I also know feelings around some things can change depending on your mental state etc.

if he wrote this at a bad time in life and bad time with us, I can see why he might have felt those things. I just don’t know if you can go from not fancying someone to fancying them

This isnt going anywhere. All this writing youre doing, youre just tying yourself in knots over a man who isnt in this.

Save yourself years of heartache and find someone better, especially if you want kids.

Its supposed to be PROS and cons isn't it.
Where are the bloomin' PROS..

And no OP you are not in the wrong. A page with your name on it fluttered out of a book when books were being re organised. Its self protection to read it. So don't worry about that. ;

I agree with other pps these "cons" are as calculating and as cold as ice and for me it would knock the foundations out from under the relationship. Added to the previous relationship lies and leaving then begging to come back. His comments about appearance and not proud would be an absolute turn off for me.

I'm not sure how I'd deal with something like this, only you can judge the best option. Maybe I'd send him a photo of the page with the caption "Thoughts?" and see what His reaction is.

I couldn't help making a mental cons list about him.

I also remember a thread like this... more than six months ago I think. Maybe it's a thing people do.

This forms part of my point. It started as turbulent - not awful, just not consistent or giving me what I needed, so I ended it. From the point of being back together, it has given me what I needed and been good, so I have slowly felt more secure, loved and we have discussed a future in depth. This has swayed that feeling - but it was written a year ago, before we originally broke up. I don’t know if I’m throwing away something good for something that happened in the past

Eg about attraction and how we view building that

Kindly, OP, you’re flogging a dead horse.

He wasn’t over the last one when you met, you did the right thing and ended it, then it sounds like you perhaps did the wrong thing and resumed a relationship with a man who clearly decided you would be a great stop gap until someone with the right hair/body/levels of overthinking comes along. Which is why he’s now seemingly happy with you - you’ll do for now!

Imagine if you want and then have kids in a few years and your body changes - will you ever feel comfortable and assured with him? I’d suggest not, and whenever you’re feeling vulnerable this is going to eat and eat and eat away at you until the relationship is either hard work at best or toxic at worst. It’ll also chip away at your trust if he eventually meets/works with someone who you suspect is more his ‘type’. Either way, it’s all bad for your head.

Frankly, he sounds like a dick who has been given way more rope than he deserves from you. Get him in the bin.

Find your backbone, some self love and self respect, stop blaming yourself for reading a note with your name on it, and toss this one back, now. I wouldn’t bother with a conversation, no amount of pretty words are going to erase that list from your mind and the doubts will remain.
Or you’ll feel better for a little while but it always creeps back.

Also, life is too short to have to work so hard at attraction at such an early stage of a relationship.

You can't pretend you haven't seen this, you'll have to get to the bottom of it.

TBH I'd have to start by casually asking him a few questions - 'what did you think of me when we very first met?' 'Did you fancy me straight away?' 'What did you think were my worst traits?' 'how are things different now?' - and just see how honest he is.

If he can answer those questions honestly and explain how things have changed then I think you'll feel much better and not even need to mention the list.

If he lies and says 'yes of course I fancied you the minute I saw you and I thought you were pretty perfect' then you can say 'Really, explain this then' and throw the list at him.

If he doesn’t fancy you at the honeymoon period then when will he? Also if it was such a hard relationship at the beginning again I think it’s doomed. Relationships shouldn’t be that hard especially at the start when things are exciting and fun.

I would be worried he wanted to rekindle the relationship because it’s easier for him rather than he feels there is a long term future. I would feel like a place holder until someone comes along with tick those boxes he feels you didn’t. Sorry.

18 months since the point of meeting, were seeing each other then together, I broke it off, we got back together and it’s been just over a year of being solid and good

I have asked things like this in the past, in relation to how he felt etc. he’s always said for him I was a slow burn - he liked me, he liked who I was and wanted to be around me but was having a difficult time showing up and felt bad about that. When other life pressures eased he said he felt he turned a corner. He admits this was bad and not a good way to start a relationship

I think you & a lot of others are misinterpreting, She hasn't discovered he's "not that arsed" about her at the moment. If the list was written a week or so ago, yes, but that's not the case. There is no evidence he doesn't respect her now.

She found this list which written around the time (after?) she dumped him when the relationship had been difficult. It was her who couldn't be arsed with him at that point, hence she finished it. Which does actually change things quite a lot, especially the power dynamics. (And I am another one who can be very hot and cold at the start of relationships. It's not all that uncommon. Does it make me a bad person? I don't think so)

After this list at some point they got together again with him seemingly making a lot more effort and she says the relationship is now easy. That suggests something has indeed changed. Perhaps his being dumped shook him up a bit. That does happen.

That said, I would just be honest and have a grown up conversation about having seen it and how I felt about that. No silly games.

It doesn’t solve anything - just escalates things and invites a major bust up.

He didn’t place it in a public place though. If he found it and decided to leave it lying on the table for you to find then fair enough. He tucked it inside a book and it dropped out when you moved it. I bet he’s forgotten all about it. I write shit all of the time, usually in the notes app on my phone and I don’t sit around thinking about it after.

Guarantee when you confront him he will feel utterly mortified you found it. As I said earlier in the thread, you can either ditch him entirely or accept he wrote this last year when you were about to break up. People think and write all sorts of crap when they’re annoyed with their partner.

So he has been honest and consistent. That's good. It indicates that he thinks (and now feels) that the attraction can grow.

Lots of people are hot and cold right at the very start of relationships. It's not quite as simple as you're making out here. You're both adjusting to each other. Honeymoon phase is still early days but when it first settles a bit more, not right from the off necessarily. It was presumably why the relationship started off difficult, which she rightly finished it for but seems to have changed now. The "beginning" honeymoon phase is actually now, not the first few weeks. This isn't five years down the line.

well, yes, but that’s irrelevant as there’s been a year of basically flawless relationship between when it was written last year and now.

i went back because we had several candid conversations about his feelings and what went wrong. I know people don’t change in a month but it felt like at that point he was willing to put the effort in to make change for me. Which he has