AIBU to say no to a stripper for my husband’s party?

[ITanya78]

It is hubby’s 50th birthday party, his work colleagues are organising a party, which I am grateful for as I’ve just lost my Dad recently. However, one of the guys has messaged me (DH works with all men) to say would it be ok if they hired a stripper gram. I haven’t replied yet.

I was surprised, thought it was a bit of an outdated concept but I feel a lot of pressure to be the cool wife, say yes and not spoil anyone’s fun. However, I do suffer with body issues quite badly, I have a very flat chest that I was bullied about years ago. The thought of a gorgeous woman stripping off him makes me feel physically sick. I honestly don’t think I could cope with it.

So would it be ok to say no thank you or would that been seen as selfish? I don’t want everyone to think I’m a bad person.

And you’re going to be there? Gross.

This normalises the whole grim misogynistic concept for stag dos. As if a stag do makes it ok.

@ITanya78 Don't say this and definitely doesn't need to be all tinkly laughter.

I like what Shmee1988 said,

Id be temped to reply with 'no, it obviously would not be okay'. Make them feel a bit stupid. Dont explain.

It is. Similar to Gisèle Pelicot’s book title ‘Shame has to change sides’

‘Obviously that’s not ok, Brian.’ You don’t need to explain why.
Does your DH know about this idea? If so, what does he think?

Hard no. What a ridiculous and misogynistic suggestion!

Even if I had a banging body, I wouldn't want this for my DP's 50th because it's not about insecurity, it's about principles. (He wouldn't want it either.)

Definitely a no from me....

But I'd be telling friend that if he really wants a stripper just be honest and get a private showing, don't be using your DH's 50th as a cover up.

‘Obviously don’t do this’ is fine.

For the avoidance of doubt I would not want a male stripper either. I know these responses are supposed to make a point but objectifying men doesn’t make buying women ok either. That’s not a form of equality I’ve ever been interested in.

Yes!

I would say that the fact they've asked you shows they probably think either you or hubby wouldn't be comfortable with it. Just reply to say thanks for checking but neither of us would appreciate this so please don't. No big deal, they asked the question, you say no thanks. Sorted.
'I don't want everyone to think I m a bad person' - this clearly needs a bit of work, OP.

What about the birthday girl or boy they haven’t consented to be humiliated and touched by a stranger. Strippergrams are hideously outdated.

at a 50th birthday party-who is going not that i think its appropriate but wont there be women and children there

" Hi colleague, I'm glad you asked because that's a definite NO. I hope the rest of the planning is going well"

Id just reply saying, Haha, nope!

Absolutely not.
It’s gross. Don’t care if I didn’t look cool, it’d be a great big no from me.
I remember being at a party for a close friend of ours before and someone ordered him a stripper. It was the most cringe thing for everyone. The bloke whose birthday it was, his poor wife sitting there, the rest of us. It was just awful 😂
what tackless person does that. She was sitting on his lap and everything. I remember thinking then, fuck that if that was my husband, I would have walked out.
Say no and be proud to have morals and the confidence to care about your own boundaries and feelings. Some bloke he works with doesn’t get to ruin your marriage boundaries

Agree with PP re HR issues here.
It doesn’t matter that it’s not actually in the office or factory or wherever.

Birds was more noughties, was it The Streets that had the we call them birds not bitches line? The was a 70s song, before my time, called Strange Bird but was about a man, so it was less used for women than it was when I was around.

Don't think it's about time periods, for everyone saying it is. My grandfathers/great gf on both sides would definitely not have liked a woman presumably young enough to be their daughter undressing for them on their 50th, so let's not say people today. Equally I know some people of both sexes who say we shouldn't see this kind of thing as seedy/sexist, and it's empowering and a valid choice for a woman. OP, maybe I'm a prude, but I wouldn't like my daughter doing this when she grows up (or my son) and I know my husband would hate it.

Say no, its degrading to women so you don’t
agree with it. We paid for a stripper for my female friends 21st. Not a chance i’d be doing that now as she’s 50 next month. Big story with the stripper too, so cringe when you think back!

These are bad enough for friends and family or stag hen dos but a work party? That's an HR nightmare. I hear your personal reasons for not wanting a stripper but there are MANY many other reasons as to why this is a terrible idea

Seriously? I don’t actually believe they still exist.

Can't believe they had this idea in a work context.

How many is many? And what about those who don’t have a choice? Are they just ignored?

This. Since when do people have strippers at their birthday party? Weird.

Tell them your DH is not a vulgar low life and would hate such a thing at a family event. How freaking sleazy of him to even ask . Yuck .

Do not use any smartarse, 'humorous' or passive aggressive responses. They will think that is 'banter' too. And ignore it.

Be clear, be assertive and factual - the answer is no.

"Hi colleague, I'm glad you asked because that's a definite NO. Also to anything similar. I hope the rest of the planning is going well"

"No to a Strippergram and or anything similar - that would not be appreciated"

They asked, you can answer. That's how it works. And thank goodness they did ask rather than just go ahead. If they ask they can expect one of 2 answers - yes or no. Your choice, Say no.

As they have asked you of course you can say No.