To not tell her parents?

[foreverornever]

Dd(15) had some friends stay over last night, they all helped one of the friends (also 15 but turning 16 in a month) sneak her boyfriend in and they ended up sleeping together.

Dd is obviously in trouble for lying, younger dc saw teen boy in our house which scared them. Friend has apologised, has promised that they used protection and pleaded with me not to tell her parents.

I don’t know her parents well and she is basically 16 so I do feel like it’s something that she should get to tell them only if she wants to and not my place to do so but then obviously I was supposed to be responsible for her last night.

If it was my daughter I would probably want to know but I wouldn’t expect to be told in this situation by other parents.

WIBU to not tell them?

I have never heard the term pearl clutching used as a synonym for frigid if that's what you mean. I tend to hear the term used in the context of false moral outrage? Which is the tone many of the posts on this thread have and I was referring to.

Sneaking boys in - not ok
Having very slightly underage sex if it's consensual and safe and with someone age appropriate - not ideal but definitely not moral outrage territory

This is exactly what I'd do, id explain the situation, that she'd snuck the boy in through the night and you feel they should know as you didn't have eyes on them and leave it at that, if the family can't sort it out between themselves from there then I think you've done enough to put them in the loop, that said if the mum asks you outright if you know whether they had sex I wouldn't lie and would say it's very much sounding that way but she should speak to her daughter. The reality is, whilst this happened at your house and you were responsible for them, you're not responsible for her having sex, this may not be the first time and even if would likely have happened elsewhere very soon anyway and the parents would be absolutely none the wiser but it's right that you give them a bit of a steer as this was your watch. Also not your fault btw that they abused your trust and home

You think it needs investigating?
OP could literally ask her DD.
And the DD would clearly have mentioned if the boy was rapey anyway.
I think likening this to a sexual assault on a child (which i suffered age 7 by a 40+ male) is far beyond ludicrous.

Nope. I mean you calling other women “pearl clutchers” for not being cool with supporting under age sex, are you saying not supporting underage sex = frigid?

But he’s 16

It wont make any difference despite whst some mumsnetters think should hspoen
As they are so close in age its not in the public interest for the police to prosecute .

Happy to dive into how the English language works here.

Referring to something in this context as 'being normal' - means 'not unusual'. The word doesn't denote a majority status. In this context it could also be 'normal' (not unusual) to not have a boyfriend.

Telling someone sex outside marriage is wrong is just as shitty parenting as allowing a 15 year old to have sex (which isnt what the OP did).

If you don’t talk to the parents, you’re showing your daughter that sneaking a boyfriend in and having sex with him is no big deal. Is that the message you want to send?

Indeed im nearly 53 and didnt have sex untill i was 18
But i know pleanty of people of the same age who did have sex at 16 or under
Both were normal.

I think I would tell the parents everything I know: that the kids snuck a boy in and that I have been told they had sex.
Do you know 100% what happened? No. You only have unreliable teen say-so. But this was under your roof. You were the adult in charge and they snuck this by on your watch. If this was my child and I found out that other parents knew and didn't tell me, I would be furious. You need to be honest and model that honesty and accountability for your daughter.
No judgement in it, just facts.
They might initially be angry with you for 'letting it happen', you'll have to take that on the chin. It wasn't your fault and teenagers are resourceful and all kinds of sneaky! It's their whole schtick.

I agree with this.

Also agree with this

In what way did my comment say that anyone should support underage sex? I said it's not ideal BUT my recollections of my own teenage years were many of us were at it AND if it was my own teen the context (safety, consent) would be more of a concern than their actual age if it was a matter of a few weeks.

I am NOT proposing people should be actively supporting or encouraging their underage kids to have sex. But I AM saying some of the comments around how utterly horrified and outraged her parents should be and accusing the OP of supporting statutory rape feel a bit OTT and, for want of a better term... pearl clutching.

Her parents need to know ... who cares if she's nearly 16?? Just because it's then legal, having sex at a FRIENDS HOUSE in secret with her family in the house at the same time, is plain wrong and very very immature. They need to know so they can instil in her this isn't normal.or appropriate behavior. They need to know.

Who are you referring to as “frigid” then? Your posts says I have never heard the term pearl clutching used as a synonym for frigid

In everyday language, “frigid” is frequently used to shame, dismiss, or insult a woman for rejecting sexual advances, setting boundaries, or appearing emotionally distant and unapproachable.

I agree. If you overdo it with the wagging telling off finger at kids it all goes completely underground and they tell you nothing. this isn't the sort of 'them' and 'us' relationship I want with my children. There must be trust and some guidance but overdoing the whole thing just makes them feel ashamed and like there's no safe place.

Back when i was a teen it wasent uncommon for some girls in their mid teens to have boyfriends who were late teens early 20;s now that was awful and people turned a blind eye
Two teensgers with three months between them is not ideal but its not shocking like some posters are making out.

Just checking, are you saying parents are expected to stay up all night on watch when their children have friends for a sleepover? And going to bed yourself is ‚irresponsible‘?

I agree that the other parents need to be informed, but to accuse OP of having done something wrong for it to happen at all, I think is a bit much.

Why would you even consider keeping this a secret. No way.
It’s not the age, it’s the deceit.

It isnt just underage sex is it though? It's a strange male interloper creeping around a house where other people 's children are sleeping under your care. He could be a rapist, violent, have a knife. drugs, alcohol.
You need to tell all the parents i think before they hear it from their own daughters.

Legally she has no such ‘duty’ to the parents. They have no rights in this situation because it’s not their body. Also when two kids who are close in age have consensual sex it’s massively unlikely there will be any police action. The purpose of the sexual offences involving children law is to protect people who have been assaulted and to prosecute older people who have coerced the child. it isn’t to criminalise what the law recognises as normal sexual development between consenting children close in age.

And the trust is of course 100% when your underage teen sneaks her friends boyfriend into your house, upsets your other child and they shag in your guest room…. But yay you tell her you have the trust and you are down with her bad self!

I wouldn’t be having any of those other kids in my house again either!! They not only lied to you they let a complete stranger into YOUR house without your permission or knowledge!! I’d be losing my shit at ALL of them and telling ALL the parents what their little shits have done!

no it doesn’t. not when the two kids are close in age like this.