To not tell her parents?

[foreverornever]

Dd(15) had some friends stay over last night, they all helped one of the friends (also 15 but turning 16 in a month) sneak her boyfriend in and they ended up sleeping together.

Dd is obviously in trouble for lying, younger dc saw teen boy in our house which scared them. Friend has apologised, has promised that they used protection and pleaded with me not to tell her parents.

I don’t know her parents well and she is basically 16 so I do feel like it’s something that she should get to tell them only if she wants to and not my place to do so but then obviously I was supposed to be responsible for her last night.

If it was my daughter I would probably want to know but I wouldn’t expect to be told in this situation by other parents.

WIBU to not tell them?

Exactly! No it’s not good behaviour but it’s not remotely surprising or particularly shocking for a group of teenagers. Were you ever one @MyDeftDuck?

Telling the parents misses the bigger picture. There are advantages to being a parent who can be seen by your child and their friends as trustworthy.

I would not tell her parents.

I'd give your own daughter a good telling off and some form of sanction.

If your own DD had not been complicit this would not have happened.

Look at it this way- this girl and her boyfriend are possibly having sex anyway (unless she lost her virginity that night.) Her parents may even know.

Telling her parents won't do anything.

But talking to your daughter might.
Her behaviour enabled this to occur in your house.

I would tell them that their daughter sneaked her boyfriend in- the rest is up to them

Are you ok?? lol! 🤣. I'll spell it out;
If OP withholds the fact that she knows that this underage person had sex in her home without informing her parents, and then if the parents do find out, and they are angry enough, then they could accuse OP of authorising what took place in the first place.
If the persons parents already know thst their child is sexually active and are more relaxed then I doubt they'd bat an eyelid.

There are few things which are important as to why you should tell them:

1. The boyfriend person had to be snuck into your house for this to happen. This means that either the parents don't know about him or don't welcome him. There could be a serious reason for this that you aren't aware of and, for safety, they need to know.

1. We have ALL been 15/16 year old girls and we all know we were the worst gossips when we were. This will get out. Other kids will find out, other parents will find out. You don't want to be known as the Mum that other parents can't trust their kids with and this could get really serious, especially if the boyfriend is older.

1. This person was snuck into your house for this reason with planning and full support from the friends. Do you know that this hasn't happened before at your house or anyone else's with any of this group of girls, your own daughter included? What would you expect to be done if the roles were reversed?

We don't live in a safe world and it's not getting any safer, someone trusted you with their daughter and, whilst it wasn't your fault, things went wrong. Be someone that deserves that trust and call her Mum.

As per my previous post, the only possible offence with which OP could be charged is causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity. Even if this was something the police wanted to pursue (which they would not in this case), they would have to prove beyond reasonable doubt that OP knew the boy was in her house and encouraged them to have sex. Not going to happen.

Just to let everyone know I have spoken to the girls mum.

All is fine, no assault took place and nobody needs to phone the police. They’re just two teenagers, three months apart being teenagers.

My younger child is also fine, they were scared to see someone they didn’t expect and came to tell us straight away which is exactly what we want them to do, they are not permanently traumatised by seeing a teenage boy in our house.

Obviously it’s easy to think your teens don’t lie to you or sneak behind your back if you’ve never caught them. A lot of the parents judging here don’t know exactly what there teenagers are up to.

dd is in trouble and I have spoken to her about it a lot since but she’s not going to be excessively punished just given less trust for the time being. Her and her friend didn’t have to own up and tell me exactly what had happened because I thought he was on his way in not his way out. I’m disappointed they lied and broke the rules in the first but I’m glad they felt they could immediately fess up and were willing to apologise and talk about it sensibly.

Thankyou for the helpful replies.

The bigger issue is they can't be trusted to respect boundaries.

Boundaries are there for a reason, as they will find when they get older and get fined for driving at 45 in a 30 MPH area.

Yes you need to tell the parents. She knows you know and if it comes out you didn’t say something, you’ll never be forgiven! What if down the line she says he raped her or something and you were aware of this?

Glad all is well and thanks for the update. It's great that your DD feels she can talk to you about things like this. Who knows, maybe your relationship with her will be all the stronger after this.

The PP who said "You must have been drunk" really made me laugh! 😄

FFS. It is not factually rape.🤦‍♀️
Posting some info for you and others.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-protection-system/children-the-law#article-top

Its you that needs to re read what you actually wrote in the first instance
Which was the Op could be seen aa allowing undrage age sex to take place

Again how coukd she allow it to take place if she didnt know it waa happening ?

Anyway its all good everone knows an nobody is rushing off to the police .

She'd deny it

Glad all is OK OP. Some of the responses on here are quite wild and dramatic. Teens do all kinds of things without parents knowing! What happens when parents are out at work and the teens are home. They could have people round and gone before they got home and parents wouldn’t know!

it’ll be a good lesson for your DD and hopefully she understands some of the risks. It’s good she told you straight after and I actually think it’s better to just move on with very little drama as that will build trust and she’s more likely to be open. Sanctions etc will just cause more divide and DD will go to friends house more….

No one said they were going to did they? But never mind. Nothing seems to process does it?

I'm not sure what good telling the girl's parents would do at this point. The deed is done.

What I would have done is read her the riot act. What did she think she was doing, bringing a strange (to you) boy into your home and shag him into the bargain. Totally not on at all.

So if you were sat out in your back garden and your teenage daughter silently opened the front door (that you can’t see from the garden) to someone and wordlessly they crept upstairs and hid, you’d definitely somehow magically know about it?

This is an utterly batshit response. @Mooselander was bad enough “I’d never let my child in your house again”? Errrr, in this scenario it’s your child that sneaked the boy in….isn’t that something you need to address with her? Or do you always blame other people for your own child’s behaviour?
But @pepperminticecream accusations are off the chart! Op was “obviously drunk”? Why was she?
Where do you live? Unless it’s absolutely tiny, it is not difficult for a group of determined teenagers to sneak someone in and unless, like PP said, you do a full sweep of all potential hiding places, every hour, you’d never know.
They ALL need to be told that sneaking someone in is not ok.
As an aside, I did my own fair share of sneaking around when I was a teenager. But what I did notice, when I went to university? The people who’d had the super strict, helicopter parents, who managed and monitored everything? They were the ones in the hospital having their stomach pumped, or having sex with loads of unsuitable men.

@ineedadehumidifier "But what I did notice, when I went to university? The people who’d had the super strict, helicopter parents, who managed and monitored everything? They were the ones in the hospital having their stomach pumped, or having sex with loads of unsuitable men."

And how did you know how they'd been parented ? Were you a fly on the wall?

Trustworthy?
Weak more like! Expect more disrespect of your home and your family.

@foreverornever
You handled it all brilliantly.
I also think your understanding of teenage behaviour is realistic and on point.

Some of the replies are WILD. I've genuinely never met anyone as sheltered and hysteric as some of the posters on MN on posts like these, wow.

Glad it all worked out OP

Good update OP. At least the girls parents can now talk to her about contraception/morning after pill etc and they're aware she's sexually active.

I think I would be coming down a bit heavier on your DD for such a massive breach of your trust however, but you know her best.